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I'm going with my inability to think about anything that isn't currently in range of my senses.
That bill that needs paid, that doctors appointment, the fact that there's half a gallon of gas in my car, NONE of it exists until I get an email, calendar alert, or I hop in the car and need to be somewhere in 5 minutes.
People take good drugs to reach that state of not thinking about things!
Sometimes I feel like I can't clean up because if I put something away I won't remember about it anymore. Imagine the chaos.
I have ability to ignore pain, stressful situation and/or things I don't want , it has helped me immensely but also is a problem when I have to understand people's nature , what type they are, it also does not help me control my emotions, when I am excited to meet some one, I will just talk truth to them.
I believe it's kind of like autism, cause I know I should control myself but I really can't it's like I am on cliff and falling down but I can't find the rock to hold onto , I just talk.
That there must be something fundamentally unlikable about me but I don't know what it is and nobody seems to want to tell me so that I can change it.
I'm not one to default to "counselor!", but I don't know how else you get an honest opinion.
I don't see how a counselor is going to give me an objective answer when they only know my perception of things. They don't know how I interact with people in real life, no matter how self aware and honest I try to be.
It's worth trying. They can breakdown situations and tell you how it looks from an outside perspective be it something you did or something you said.
Without knowing much, if you're closed off to this idea, maybe you're closed off to the people you're interacting with also?
Interacting with a counselor is interacting with a person in real life. That's kinda the point.
no matter how self aware and honest I try to be
Unless you're not actually doing that?
You're free to interact with me, anyway you like. Hell, you can call me. I'll be open and honest with my reactions, nothing to lose. For what it's worth, I'm old, maybe I got some perspective for you. Don't mean I'm wise! DM me though. Post responses keep getting lost. Maybe you can help me with that?
And keep working on being self-aware and honest. That never hurt anyone.
I know at least two times when I was definitely hallucinating in my adult life, which makes me uncertain how many other times I was hallucinating that I don't know about.
Sure your memory of events wasn't scrambled? That's common with our brains. Seeing Yoda sitting on the TV is a different deal.
When I did meth 20-years ago, I had a banger after 3-days. Sat on the phone with my mom, soberly discussing what was happening at my apartment, no idea it wasn't real. People were walking in and out, chatting with me.
We talking that kinda hallucination? A whole story that played out? Or you just see something for a flash, something that couldn't be real?
Were you really sleep deprived, by chance? Because it's actually not overly unusual in that case. Sleep deprivation wreak havoc on the body and brain.
My codependency. I completely rely on others for my own validity. If people are busy/don't want to hang, it really upsets me.
I know it burns out my closest friends. I talk to most of them daily and over analyze the fuck out of our friendship if they get busy/distracted.
I'm honestly lucky I still have the ones I do. I'm also starting my first therapy session on 31 Jan so I don't lose the people I have in my life.
My immediate problem is I have an extremely hard time asking for help, in any context. I think it stems from trust issues. My immediate thought when something needs to be done is "I will do it, or it won't be done and I will deal with that outcome", because I think the chances someone else will actually do it when asked, the way I want it done, are pretty low.
Makes you a rock star at work until you break under that expectation you set. Makes for weird relationship dynamics when you help all the time and never ask/expect that it will be reciprocated. It's just not a great position for fostering healthy interpersonal dynamics in general. I'd argue that it might also sap energy from working towards some things you want done, and are unhappy, deep down, are left undone.
I think there's even a name for it - helper syndrome or something. It's a weird "It actually works pretty well, until it doesn't" position.
God, where would I even begin? I hate almost everything about myself.
One big thing I cannot stand is how emotionally overreactive I am. When I get upset about something, I get so deeply and incredibly upset to the point where it doesn't even make sense. I feel things way too incredibly deeply and I hate it.
Another is that I endlessly frustrate myself by being lonely, but at the same time never putting myself out there to try to meet new people. But I hate new people and getting to know them. I only like people that I already know well.
And to top it all off, I made the mistake of letting someone get too close to my heart only for them to leave me. It's not even their fault because they are literally just my coworker...we weren't even friends outside of work. But I made the mistake of liking them and getting close to them. And if I can't even handle that with just a coworker, I don't know how I could ever put myself out there to be vulnerable for a relationship more than that knowing that they might leave me.
My insurance changes Jan 1st and I'm going to really try to give therapy a go this time around when I get my updated insurance info. I tried months back but quit after one session after seeing the price. Honestly I wonder if I need pills or something because I am just so incredibly frustrated with life and everything and I can't stop crying like an idiot.
Good luck on your journey! Therapy is expensive and it can take a while until you find the right therapist. But it will be worth it, trust me.
Procrastination. Seriously, I'm meant to be in bed right now!
My inability to both talk to new people, and stop talking once I start. It's like I have to mentally burst through a brick wall, and then can't figure out how to stop.
I feel awkward as fuck.
It's OK to not talk...it is also OK to talk too much
ADHD. I blurt shit out. My emotions are about 6 steps ahead of the rest of my brain. Uninteresting things are death. Time is either too fast or too slow. Sitting still for long periods of time is torture
I'm too self aware that I'm paralyzed by most aspects of daily life. I'm frustrating to myself.
Small talk. Not sure why but it's incredibly difficult for me to initiate a small talk or make it flow nicely from one topic to another. It's a reason i find myself resisting the idea of dating or simply went out to socialise, or even talk to my neighbours. The anxiety always there.
FORD. Family, occupation, recreation, dreams. If you know the FORD of a person after meeting them for the first time chances are they will want to talk to you again. They just spent 20 minutes telling you about the 4 most important things for them and you actively listened. Of course they are going to want to be around you, you not only gave them attention they felt comfortable telling you information. Which gets retroconned. They didn't trust you and then tell you, they told you therefore they must have trusted you.
Don't bother with weather or whatever the local sports ball team did last night against the opposing sports ball team.
One big problem I have with getting to know new people is these questions are often reciprocated to one another. And when people ask me the same questions, they get to know exactly how pathetic and empty my life is. I try to avoid the questions but it just makes me uncomfortable because there often is no easy out.
I don't have hobbies or passions to talk about. When I get home from work, I literally do nothing but veg out on the couch all evening, mindlessly scrolling on things like YouTube or Lemmy. I don't have a significant other or children or pets or friends to talk about. And I don't like people knowing this stuff about me until we've gotten close to one another. My life is so pathetic and embarrassing that it makes this stuff really tricky.
I have rage issues and I know why. Being angry is a pain killer, a source of temporary energy, a coping mechanism. Got the flu last year and felt like death, walking to my kitchen stubbed my toe, got furious, suddenly I don't feel sick any more. I have become an addict to the rush of adrenaline I get from being angry.
It has hurt my career, it has ruined friendships, relationships, and caused who knows how many self-inflicted wounds. By every measure I have an incredible life so yeah it is me, the universe clearly doesn't owe me anything more.
My big wakeup call was this summer when I was staying for a few days at a beach resort sitting on the balcony and just looking at the paradise of jungle+mountains+ocean and I am still mildly annoyed about a thing that happened at work a year ago.
Therapy starts in January when my new better insurance plan kicks in.
For me it's gotta be my shaky hands. I don't know why they're so shaky but it makes typing hard and I have to take pictures multiple times to get one not blurry. Super frustrating!
I had a coworker who had this. She is young, in her 30s, and she had (and still has, but I don't see her anymore) what's called an essential tremor. It's totally benign and harmless with no known cause, but it's mostly seen in old people. Young people can definitely have it, but it just seems to be significantly less common.
It was never super obvious that she had it as hers was pretty mild. But if you watched her work closely, you would notice it. Or when she would try to show me something under the microscope, I would notice because she couldn't keep the slide still and everything would be wiggling.
She was absolutely more than capable of doing her job with it though. It just made it seem like she had a bit too much coffee lol. Maybe there might be people out there with a tremor that have tips for some of the tasks that frustrate you like picture taking.
The crippling depression that's completely stopped me from functioning in any meaningful way. That's definitely the big one.
I can be insufferably insistent at times. If someone says they'll do X with me, or for me, I will pester them until they do, "playfully" jabbing at them the longer they don't do whatever they said.
Executive dysfunction. I have a horrible time with completing tasks that I've built up stress over, my brain just won't let me start because it feels hopeless. It's a constant struggle to get things done. And nobody understands. I don't really expect them to, because "oh sorry that task stressed me out so much that I've just completely avoided it" isn't a valid excuse. ADHD drugs helped but I don't want to be on them, and a prescription to them bars me from doing other things that I actually enjoy. So I'll probably just struggle with it the rest of my life.
ADHD drugs helped but I don't want to be on them, and a prescription to them bars me from doing other things that I actually enjoy.
I'm curious, could you elaborate on this?
I want to be a recreational pilot. I'm quite good at it, very committed to and interested in the procedural aspects of it, and religiously adhere to the safety guidelines. According to FAA rules you cannot have an ADHD diagnosis and be prescribed drugs for it and fly, point blank. I've never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but the FAA reached out and grounded me because I didn't lie on the medical application and said I'd dealt with depression in the past. Despite the medical examiner clearing me and issuing my certification.
The long, tedious process of trying to be cleared again stressed me out more than flying was fun, and now I'm just sort of in a limbo, after thousands of dollars spent on training.
This is all to say that the process taught me that the stigma around mental illness is alive and well in the USA, and I just don't want any of it on my medical record anymore. I can deal with it. Mental health support isn't good enough yet to actually significantly improve my life, or at least it's never worked well enough for me. So the consequences of having any hint on an official document somewhere of not being 100% mentally stable and content 100% of the time aren't worth it. Who knows if a new opportunity or new-found passion comes along and I get fucked out of it because I felt sad for a long time and wanted to talk to someone about it, or I wanted some help trying to make my brain work more like everyone else's. I'll do what I should've done from the start, and suck it up.
Sorry for the rant, definitely more than you were looking for, it's just been weighing on me.
The longer I know someone/the closer they are with me, the harder time I have acting like myself around them. It gives me anxiety trying to just act like a normal person, I’m suddenly monotone and so muted people can’t hear me.
My family, most longest/closest friends…it’s like they actually don’t know who I am. And my parents are getting older and I can’t act remotely happy or even awake around them. Been this way my whole life.
Sounds like you need some self love! Don't beat yourself up if you think someone isn't going to like you because you're goofy.
At the end of the day, the people you surround yourself with should be people who love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
You're probably the most normal person in this thread lol
Holy shit... is there a name for this?? I see myself in your comment
I wish. Because it’d help me get a therapist or help them help me. My old therapist, when I was trying to explain, “the closer I get to someone, the less I can be myself around them,” said something like, “that’s an oxymoron, isn’t it?”
Or it was some shitty, offhand comment like that and then just moved on. Though this is the same guy who, the last time I ever saw him, when I was explaining how sad I felt all the time, how I’d lost all my close friendships because I turned into a shut-in, said “well maybe youre just a melancholy guy.”
I was crying at the time. He never actually helped me with anything. Never pushed me to talk about anything at all except my day to day, like, nothing-important-happened stuff. Fuck that guy.
I do need to find a new therapist, though. I’ve put it off for too long.
Angry and frustrated at everything I do,I dont do, could be doing, mix in a good helping of not having done enough of the thing I actually sid
I've recently noticed how often I say "Part of me thinks," and now it bothers me. I don't even know when it started, or where it came from.
For example, I'll say something like: "Part of me thinks I should put a plant on that shelf."
I feel like this is a young persons question. I’m old enough that I’ve been dealing with myself for a long time. I’ve come to terms with everything. I’m fine with myself. It’s all the external factors that are hard. The direction of the world governments, the climate, the price of things. If I could just exist in a vacuum. I’d be pretty happy with that.
Not knowing what I want out of life. Including whether to break off the nine-year, kind of dysfunctional relationship I've been in (neither option feels good).
My anxiety and inability to handle bad results and criticism. I'm getting better about it, year after year, but it still hurts when I make judgement calls and people are upset.
