this post was submitted on 24 Sep 2025
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Why or why not?

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[–] RaoulDuke85@lemmy.world 57 points 3 days ago (3 children)

You can find people attractive without wanting to date them.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 13 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (2 children)

true, it's hard to fit all the context I wanted to add within a title ...

my question is really meant to ask how people would react to learning someone they are attracted to and would otherwise date is trans

If I just asked "would you date a trans person" I would expect the reader to think of an ugly trans person because that's the stereotype, and then the answer is usually no, but that doesn't get at what I'm wondering about.

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[–] WeeSheep@lemmy.world 46 points 3 days ago (6 children)

Yes. Because i find them attractive.

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[–] teagrrl@lemmy.ml 16 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Can we just not do threads like this? It literally just a thread for cis people to confidently declare how much they find trans people yucky and how they are completely justified in finding us repulsive. Nothing good comes from these discussions.

People say they have a genital preference, yet trans people have a range of different genitalia, pre-op, intersex, or post operative. People say they want kids, yet some trans people can still have kids pregnancy, banked eggs or sperm, adoption, surrogacy, etc.

For every "requirement" cis people have for trans people there is a trans person that exists that meets those requirements and then cis people move the goalposts to justify their bigotry.

Cis people don't respond.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 3 days ago (1 children)

yep you are exactly right, though I don't know how you expect cis people to know this without interacting with trans people who are able to complicate their view ...

it sounds like you justified the thread for me - the good that comes from a thread like this is the possibility of cis people learning more about the diversity of human biology. I don't expect anyone to change their views overnight, but refusing to talk to cis people about their views just because they are problematic doesn't seem right to me 🤔

still, you're not entirely wrong that the discussions can just become a way for transphobia to be aired publicly, so I understand why other trans folks might not want to be exposed to this

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[–] candyman337@lemmy.world 16 points 3 days ago (2 children)

People are misinterpreting what straight means in this thread. You can date a trans person and be straight. Have a genital preference is different than your sexual orientation. It's perfectly fine if you wouldn't date a trans person because they don't match your genital preference, sex related things can be a deal breaker. But you're not gay for dating a trans person of the opposite sex.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 3 days ago

+1, dating a trans woman as a man doesn't make you gay

tangent on attraction to trans people being gayI understand why people get this confused though, a lot of times "trans woman" is a gloss for "man who lives socially as a woman" - the assumption people have is that trans women are "biologically male" - this is like an essential aspect of being a trans women, it's what differentiates them from cis women: being male. And so I understand the polite response is to treat a trans woman as a woman, but when it comes to someone's sexuality, that is likely to expose the deeper perspective that trans women are really male (and thus attraction to them is attraction to a male, and thus gay). All I can say is that trans women are women biologically, too - sex hormones like estrogen mediate a lot of the differences between male and female bodies. A trans woman on estrogen is more like a cis woman than a cis man "biologically" - the way they smell, the way they metabolize drugs, etc. And even this binary notion of sex is a bit of a lie, even cis people often have more mixed sexual traits than they realize. Anyway, this is complicated. "Straight" and "gay" might themselves not make sense in a world where we acknowledge the natural diversity in human sexual differentiation.

I think sometimes the "genital preference" has often become an acceptable form of "transphobia" (I don't mean that word in the "I'm going to murder a trans person" kind of way, but more like a "bias and stigma against trans people" kind of way).

I think this is a fundamental confusion about female penises, tbh - the assumption is that they are much like male penises, which is a reasonable assumption given how little exposure people have to the female penis. Even in trans porn you generally see trans women's penises being used like men's penises - how are we supposed to show this is unrealistic and not characteristic of most trans women?

On the other hand, I do believe genital preference really should be respected regardless of whether it gets mixed up with transphobia, and someone who understands and sees a woman's penis as a female might still prefer to have penetration with a vagina, for example. Anal sex can be involved and be painful, etc. so I completely understand if that doesn't end up suitably replacing vaginal sex (and to be honest, I feel this way myself as a trans woman - I was deeply unsatisfied with having a female penis, and I feel if I have a right to my bottom dysphoria and sexual preferences, who am I to deny some legitimate preferences of sexual partners who also want a particular kind of penetration?)

That said, I do think often ignorance and transphobia hide behind "genital preference" and this muddies the waters. My reaction to this is a bit of indifference - I'm not interested in coercing anyone into having sex with trans people, I just want to have an opportunity to expose more people to the truth and invite people to think more deeply about their beliefs. I don't need to change them, even, it's just nice to have some dialogue.

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[–] ProfessorScience@lemmy.world 27 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I would not. I'm all for treating people as they want to be treated, but as far as my own attraction goes, I don't think I'd be able to completely think of them as being of the opposite sex.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 3 days ago (2 children)

this assumes you are able to tell, do you think you can always tell?

or is the point that once you know they are trans, the knowledge prevents you from seeing them as their gender?

[–] ProfessorScience@lemmy.world 14 points 3 days ago (3 children)

If I couldn't tell, and they didn't tell me, then i guess I'd just be happy in my ignorance. I can't say that I can always tell, because... well I wouldn't necessarily know about the times I couldn't tell. But yes, if I knew then it would break the attraction for me.

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[–] Marshezezz@lemmy.blahaj.zone 24 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Yeah but I’m bi and just am into people that make me thirsty, doesn’t matter to me

[–] NihilsineNefas@slrpnk.net 11 points 3 days ago

Unfathomably based

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 12 points 3 days ago (4 children)

Probably not, because ultimately, I want to play with genitals that are different from mine.

I don't expect everyone to agree, and it's perfectly okay for someone to have an alternative preference, and they are welcome to indulge it, but that's just mine.

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[–] EmilyIsTrans@lemmy.blahaj.zone 24 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I had a problem with that

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[–] verdigris@lemmy.ml 22 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Having been in this position, sure, but I've also had to end relationships because the person transitioned in a direction I wasn't attracted to. Communicating honestly and openly is the key, as it is for pretty much everything about interpersonal relationships.

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[–] cdzero@lemmy.ml 14 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I've never been in that situation but I wouldn't rule it out on principle.

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[–] otp@sh.itjust.works 15 points 3 days ago

No, because I'm already happily married.

If I weren't, well, the "equipment" is part of what I'm attracted to. So whether I would want to continue something long term depends on what they're working with.

[–] 0xtero@beehaw.org 14 points 3 days ago (2 children)

If I found someone attractive, yes of course. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bi, trans, whatever - I’m not attracted to sex or the bits between your legs, I’m attracted to person and personality. As long as you’re confident and comfortable being you, I’ll swing anyway you want.

But due to the world we live in, lot of the time the struggle of being them so very much in their identity that they can’t talk about much else and I don’t find that very attractive, in fact quite the opposite.

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[–] Fondots@lemmy.world 10 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

No because I'm married and my wife wouldn't like that.

More seriously, It's not a hard no, but I lean towards probably not, it would probably depend the specifics of their identity and the state of any medical transition.

In general, I'd tend to call myself a straight cis man. If I think long and hard about it, I could make an argument that I'm perhaps something along the lines of a non-binary person with a penis, who just happens to present in a traditionally "masculine" fashion in basically every way, and who is attracted to people with vaginas who present in at least a somewhat feminine way.

That's a fucking mouthful though, and I'm just not gonna get into the weeds about that in casual conversation.

The fact that I'm a man isn't really something that's particularly important to me, I just kind of think of myself as a person. If somehow someone misgendered me it wouldn't bother me in the slightest (though it may get a chuckle because I'm a bald, hairy dude with a big busty beard and fairly deep voice, not exactly the picture of femininity)

And while I quite enjoy having a penis, I don't feel as though I'd be particularly bothered by having a vagina instead (although you can miss me with that period nonsense, but I think most vagina-havers would agree on that point) and I'd otherwise live my life the same way.

And how "feminine" a theoretical partner would need to be actually gets a lot of leeway. I can find people pretty far into the tomboy/androgynous/butch/etc end of the spectrum attractive, maybe even preferably to the extreme "girly" end of the spectrum. There's a line there where they'd be too "masculine" for my tastes, but it's a fuzzy one.

And for me, a certain amount of physical attraction in a partner is important. It's a pretty wide spectrum that I'm able to find attractive, but there are limits, and I have preferences and dislikes to varying degrees.

And one of those strongest preferences is that my partner have a vagina. I am just not attracted to people with a penis.

If we want to count it under the trans umbrella, I don't think that me dating a non-binary person with a vagina would be out of the question.

Maybe even a FTM femboy type who hasn't had or want bottom surgery.

MTF, which I think is more in the spirit of this question, is a bit murkier though. If they don't intend to get bottom surgery I think that's a pretty hard no. And even if they have or intend to I can't say that I've ever seen, let alone touched, a surgically-created vagina, so I don't know if they'd do it for me the same way as a natural one.

The best comparison I do have is that I generally consider myself to be a boob-guy, and while it's not an outright disqualifier, fake boobs don't usually do it for me in quite the same way as real ones, but some are better than others, and while I tend to like big boobs, I have nothing against small ones, and a mastectomy isn't a deal-breaker for me either.

So I suspect that with bottom surgery, it's a firm "maybe"

As for a trans partner who has not yet but intends to get that surgery, I guess it kind of depends on the timeline. I don't really want to have sex with someone with a penis and a sexless relationship for me would have a limited lifespan.

All of that said, regardless of whether I'd date them or not doesn't change how I'd view their identity. There's plenty of women out there I wouldn't date for any number of reasons, but that doesn't mean I see them as any less of a woman.

[–] ethaver@kbin.earth 7 points 3 days ago

Yeah I feel this. Not in any of the specifics, pretty much all of those I'm completely opposite to you in, but just in the overall sense of "yeah this shit's complicated, I mostly like having sex with (in my case penises).

[–] daniskarma@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 points 3 days ago

Personally yes. Because I can find attractive all types of primary and secondary sexual features. So there's no problem if there are some mixed features.

But I would understand if someone who doesn't find penises/vaginas attractive wouldn't want to date other someone who has a penis/vagina.

[–] chaosCruiser 14 points 3 days ago (4 children)

Side note: The atmosphere on Lemmy is very pro-queer. Mastodon seems to be pretty queer too, but the number of users is a lot bigger, so you might see more diversity in answers. If you asked the same question on Reddit or X, you would absolutely find lots of unsavory comments.

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[–] SteposVenzny@beehaw.org 7 points 3 days ago (1 children)

The only issue I might have is that some of the bigotry might start coming after me for associating. I’d like to think I’m the sort of person that would stand strong against that shit but I recognize that’s easier said than done from a position as relatively comfortable as the one I’m in.

Who am I kidding, though? I’d never think through the question as long as I did being asked it as a hypothetical. I’d date her and then maybe regret it later for the tangential reason.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 days ago

you are the first person to mention this! I'm shocked all the focus is on gentials when I would think the stigma and being a political scapegoat would be bigger concerns!

Follow-up question: what if she were cis passing and you didn't experience stigma being in public together?

[–] spongebue@lemmy.world 12 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (2 children)

Being already married and stuff aside, as a straight cisgender male I would honestly have a hard time with it. Like, my parents' neighbor is a trans woman and I'd be lying if I denied noticing her (covered) boobs when she was hanging out in the back yard. But if I'm going to have a romantic relationship with someone, there are physical traits that attract me and others that don't... And I would need to be attracted to my partner, both with what's typically visible in public and what isn't.

It's nothing personal, and I truly hope their new body (whatever that may be) works for them and they find the love they want. It's just not what I'm after.

To use the cliche as a tl;dr, it's not you, it's me.

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[–] Appoxo@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

I would say I am hetero.
If they reflect the sex they are claiming to be? Sure. I am not planning on making kids. So no way of getting pregnant either.
Rather would adopt anyway.

Edit: This assumes I like their personality in the first place.
And it would maybe only in tge first couple weeks be novel and unusual/weird to me. Then it's just business as usual.

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[–] juliebean@lemmy.zip 9 points 3 days ago (1 children)

well, i'm trans, and my partner's trans, and so are the majority of my exes, so, i'm gonna go with yes.

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[–] Cowbee@lemmy.ml 7 points 3 days ago (6 children)

If I wasn't already in a committed relationship, yes. I'm pan.

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[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 5 points 3 days ago

Yes and why not?

[–] Instigate@aussie.zone 6 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

That depends - am I only physically attracted to them? The answer is no, whether or not they’re trans. Am I also attracted to their personality? Then yes, whether or not they’re trans.

It helps that I’m bi.

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[–] Ging@anarchist.nexus 10 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I somehow added an i there and was a little too excited to comment 'Yes, who doesn't love trains!?!?'

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[–] Nemo@slrpnk.net 6 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Me finding them attractive is already a good indication they're trans, so...

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[–] klemptor@startrek.website 6 points 3 days ago

If I were single and they* were secure, then sure. I really feel for a lot of trans people because I know the transition can cause a lot of insecurity. And that's absolutely valid and I don't want to be unfeeling about it, but at the same time I know myself and I don't want a partner who is insecure and potentially overly emotionally needy, because I'm not good at providing that kind of support. So I'd be fine dating a trans person who is confident and secure, no matter where in the transition the person is.

* I say 'they' because I'm fine dating either men or women, not because I want to invalidate anyone's gender :)

[–] apotheotic@beehaw.org 6 points 3 days ago

Trans women are women, and women are gorgeous. So heck yes for transfemmes.

Cute enbies are cute enbies, you can bet I'm down <3

If a person I was dating transitioned to being a man, I would probably have to end it unless they were a femboy? (Currently seeing a transmasc femboy - he's cute as hell <3)

Reason? I'm not attracted to a person's genitals or the gender they were assigned at birth, I'm attracted to the person! If they have a penis/neopenis or vagina/neovagina or both or neither - who gives a damn. If a doctor declared they were "male" 20 years ago who gives the slightest fuck.

[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 8 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (3 children)

No, because I'm taken but it wouldn't change the fact that I find them attractive. I'd date someone no matter their gender or genitals though, if thats what your asking

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