No Stupid Questions

it's normal to wait for a while before presenting to parents. for muslims its an especially serious thing. that culture probably doesn't have a lot of casual dating. regarding her family, you should be supportive in doing things however she needs you to do them. don't be a pussy about it

Why does it upset you?

Yeah here is the thing: honor killings still happen in Muslim families in the west.

Not saying her family is that extreme, but they could very well be. Even if they're not, prepare for a lot of problems when they find out. If a Muslim girl tells you that she can't tell her parents about you, idk trust her on her word. I know the feeling, it sucks, but that is part of the deal you made when you got serious with a Muslim girl

Her family’s Muslim

That right there is the reason. Trust her on this one.

Hey there, am an Australian from a Muslim family. I too have the same, yet opposite, relationship dynamic as you - though our families are both aware now.

Formally, it is considered forbidden for Muslim women to marry outside the faith; her family won't take it lightly. Perhaps in ways you haven't considered.

Talk to your girlfriend. Ask her what she is worried about, and she will tell you. That is the best thing you can do.

Perhaps a slightly less doom-and-gloomy scenario (because not all muslims hate women): in many muslim cultures it's expected that a relationship turns into a marriage quickly. A non-muslim colleague of mine started dating a muslim girl and her family was totally supportive of the relationship, but he did have to marry her within just a couple months of dating. They were both happy to do so but they're a fair bit older than you are. Your girlfriend might not feel ready for such a thing.

Talk to her about it, and ask if she's worried about her family's reaction, what she expects and why. Don't pressure her into introducing you to the family, but clarify that you'd just like to know why. You can express you'd like to meet them of course, but just remember that her decision should be final in all this. That will help your relationship going forward, and once she is ready for it you'll get to meet them.

Yes. She knows her family better than you, trust her

It could be for her safety that she's keeping you a secret. There have been so called "honor killings" of women whose dads or brothers suspected that she had dated someone and had sex out of wedlock.
Even in my western and free country of The Netherlands.

Do you trust your girlfriend? Then let her decide when it's the right time to tell her family about her, her very life might just depend on it!

She’s already part of a religion that hates her for being a woman, no need to give them even more reasons

Friend of mine had the same scenario in high school. The only one who knew was the twin sister of the girlfriend. The rest of the family would never have accepted a non-muslim. It's probably the only way to do this until she's an adult and can tell them to fuck off.

If she is still financially reliant on her parents, you should abide by her wishes on the subject. You should not consider it a reflection of her relationship with you. She is doing what she needs to do to survive and thrive.

Eventually, she might choose to rely on you for financial support. But, you could be killed in a traffic accident, and she would still be dependent on their support. Even after you are supporting her financially, she still needs to do what she needs to maintain her relationship with them.

You should not consider her relationship with her parents to be a reflection on your relationship until she is capable of supporting herself, independent of both you and them.

Until then, she is being coerced, to some degree or another, and you should consider that coercion when evaluating her behavior.

It sucks that she opened herself up to a relationship when she couldn't fully commit to it with you.

I'm sorry you're having to go through things like this.

Other comments raise a good point about Muslim culture and it's worth considering.

I dated a Muslim girl. In college. We were both 22 and she still had to keep it a secret. Her dad called her every night at 8pm to make sure she did her work and was getting ready for bed. I often had to overhear that right before we fucked.

Don't be a baby about it. If you want to be with her, be in understanding and do what it takes.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Fadime_%C5%9Eahindal

No pressure? You don't think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she's upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we're all free to do things your way?

Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn't about the culture gap at all? Maybe it's about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?

Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that's in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you're just bad at being selfish?

I assume America by 'West' and 'free country'? Ya'll are teenagers and she is a minor. Until she is in an independent position and likely a legal adult I would not engage in the affairs of her legal guardians, as close as you two may be or feel.

Dude, how many stories of Muslim father's that go fucking crazy over their daughter seeing an "infidel", have you ignored to not understand that there is a real risk she could be under?

You've already asked yourself what's the worst that can happen. Now ask her what she thinks is the worst that can happen, and what she thinks would actually happen. Do not correct her or interrupt, and only ask probing questions so that you can better understand.

I promise you that her answers are not the same as yours.

Nah dude. You gotta respect your girlfriends wishes on this. Maybe consider getting a place when she's 18 so she can get away? Will she be moving for university?

If her plan is to keep living with her family and never revealing you, there's no outcome to that path. But if she is looking to move or study or whatever, you might see a future for the relationship.

Talk to her about the future and where this is going.

She's almost certainly doing it for a good reason. If you love her then trust her, damnit.

you are 19...that is the definition of being stupid

I wanted to date a Muslim girl in high school. She said she couldn’t, because her father was “very strict and wouldn’t allow it.” We remained friends.

Conservative Muslims have a very different attitude towards religion than we in the West are used to. She may be in a free country, but she is not in a free home. She is not keeping you a secret out of shame or embarrassment.

You are not stupid for feeling upset, but you need to manage that feeling. She is keeping you a secret because telling her family would ruin her life. Learn to understand that, and enjoy what you have.

Her family is Muslim

She is protecting herself. I’ve seen this song and dance too many times in the Muslim community. She is taking a huge risk dating you and that should be enough for you to understand. If you love her, trust her, she is protecting your alls relationship in a way you can’t.

Hell, I dated a Ukrainian girl whose father and brother both abused her when they found out about us, because I wasn't part of the Ukrainian community, or part of the Orthodox Catholic church. I tried to get her out of there but she wouldn't leave.

I couldn't imagine how this would go with a devout Muslum family.

Honestly, her family being Muslim is one of the more understandable reasons for not telling them. The doctrine of Islam quite directly prohibits a Muslim woman from dating a non-Muslim, or “infidel,” so the fear of backlash isn’t exactly unfounded.

Ok lots of good advice and comments but let me simplify this for you a bit more.

If you trust your partner let them handle their family, trust what they say about them. If you cant, it ups the chance of break up because she is already stressed.

Unless you suspect you are the other dude or in danger stay out of it no matter how curious you are. There is literally a community full of stories like this and it always back fires when people get involved too early.

If she knows the backlash will be insane and she still has to live there, totally understandable. Make sure you're aligned on where to go with this in the future. If she truly wants to choose a life with you she may have to break with her family at some point. You can't expect her to be ready for that at this time, but you also shouldn't be strung along if she never sees an actual future with you. Good relationships require honesty on both sides and great communication.

we live in the West and it’s a free country.

Yeah unfortunately to some people that doesn't matter.

Respect her and her needs. If she doesn't want, there are good reasons for that.

She is underage, so that also counts maybe?

Maybe she is protecting you, or herself... Can you tell?

I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country.

Unfortunately, that isn't up to you to decide for them.

Be careful, try to respect a (probably) different culture. You will not be able to change them.

Try to find out what is possible to do and tell, and what is good to do and tell. It's going to take some time (we cannot know how long).

If you behave respectful now, it will earn you their respect and this makes both of you a happier life.

I just want to point out something that I've not seen others mention - sometimes girls are just way too paranoid about what their families will think. I know one girl who keeps insisting that her parents wouldn't let her date a black guy, but then she also admits that she dated a hispanic guy before and thought the same thing but her parents loved him. Honestly I think like 70% of girls imagine that their parents wouldn't accept some huge swath of men due to some superficial characteristic, but probably in reality only maybe 20% of parents would actually be against their daughter dating a guy who treats her well, even if he's of a type they dislike.

Many muslim families don’t allow dating, go straight to marriage. Being in the West doesn’t change one’s religion. That’s kind of a bozo comment. Assuming you can figure that out after a year, your question is because your feelings are hurt. I dated a Viet girl in high school that similarly didn’t want to tell her family since her father didn’t allow it. It felt like she didn’t care as I did. So I understand your feelings.

Are you gonna marry her? Would you convert for her? Then things will change. If not this is how it is.

You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don't live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family.. so what to do... anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.

Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you'll find someone else.