bradorsomething

(Ogden, UT) As the White House attempts to find every angle on Charlie Kirk’s death to drown out the Epstein Files, word is circulating of a miracle relating to the recently dead Kirk’s clothing. A blind hospital employee cleaning the operating room, where surgeons tried to save Kirk’s life, has reported that after handling the remains of his shirt, he has developed a sudden distrust of black people. “Of course, I don’t want to say black people. But I am trying to be polite,” the man said on condition of anonymity.

Republicans are thrilled with the news. “This man used to be a rational member of society, and now he is out buying a gun for his protection,” said KC Crosby, co-chair of the republican party. “And I am assured, if he hadn’t been wearing gloves, he’d hate brown people, too. Maybe even able to see!”

Calls to the Vatican have received muted responses, as republicans demand to beatify Kirk as a Saint immediately. “The church has racist Saints, yes,” said one Cardinal speaking off the record. “But we don’t make you a Saint just for being racist… not any more, as least. They probably want to find an openly racist church, which is not difficult in America.”

Enter the KKK, who claim their strong religious background qualifies them to beatify Kirk. Klan members have already begun placing images of Kirk on crosses, and - disturbingly - burning them. Still, they feel this is what Kirk would want for his legacy.

“Charlie is a religious figure now, and we can only hope he is burning there in the afterlife like we honor him here.”

(Phoenix, AZ) As the nation works to discuss the assassination of Charlie Kirk without bringing up gun violence, the White House has announced that Donald Trump will lead the organization going forward. “It’s a sad time, very sad,” said the president at his New Jersey golf course. “We know Charlie’s family is sad and America is sad. I know they want me to take over until his son is old enough to take over.”

Turning Point, a corporation with its own board of directors and chain of succession, says they are reaching out to the president to clarify his symbolic leadership of the firm. But trumps office clearly responded as if the president ran the organization. “The president is planning to move the headquarters to JD Vance’s old office once he moves,” said Karoline Leavitt to reporters, “and has a new logo commemorating Charlie being commissioned at a gold leaf factory. The president is excited to do the work.”

When asked how this would affect the president’s current work administering the country, Leavitt had no comment.

(Undisclosed Location) As conservative rhetoric grows louder following the Wednesday shooting and death of Turning Point’s Charlie Kirk, a voice calling for acceptance and understanding of his death in a historical perspective granted a rare interview on the matter. John Titor, a -428 year-old time travel from “basically the US,” sat down to answer questions and grant his unique perspective on the matter.

“First, let me thank you for coming the day before your minor car wreck,” he began. “I want to start by saying that I know you are going to ask about Hitler, and I cannot stress enough that, given a strong enough understanding of time, Emperor Kirk was a much more important issue to be dealt with.”

Titor stressed that Hitler is surprisingly the best outcome for World War 2, but Kirk was a terrible influence on the third world war. “Yeah, you don’t want to see Turning Point Events in the future, they use the name for… well, that’s not a problem now.”

When asked about the gunman, he said he preferred not to influence the current investigation. He would confirm that “a shooter” would be arrested and tried, but could not give more details beyond that. “I don’t think even we have the full story on that one,” he said. “But we do know more as time goes on.” When asked if he was optimistic about the future with current events, he said he was hopeful, but not to assume all troubling events will end with Kirk.

((Washington DC) After a tense meeting with Monoco’s Minister of State Christophe Mirmand, the tension escalated when, in remarks to the media, trump declared 14% tariffs on the nation unless the Minister could guess the number he was thinking of.

“I told you, I said I was unhappy. I was unhappy. You don’t get to… unless you guess the number these are on, Christophe. They’re on,” the president said, in the newly paved rose garden area of the White House. “I am serious, just guess, you will never get it. Fourteen percent. Guess.”

After a moment of thought, the Minister, appointed by Monaco’s Prince as executive head of state, looked over at trump and said clearly in his microphone, “Fourteen.” A surprised trump confirmed the number was correct.

Economic forecasters welcome the new approach by the trump administration.

“The president issued a new tariff with a clear reason… that he was angry… gave conditions for the target country to end these tariffs, and when the conditions were met, by Minister Mirmand guessing the number, they were lifted. This is a very promising step forward by the administration.”

The outcome has been met by applause of other countries hit by US tariffs, with several requesting number guesses of their own, or perhaps a puzzle they could solve instead, or guessing which of his sons he loves the most. But some US government representatives feel this isn’t a good direction for policy to turn.

“Everyone knows who dad loves the most,” said one US government advisor who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals. “These questions distract from the reason we placed these tariffs, because the economy.”

No additional guesses had been offered by the president by newstime.

(Houston, TX) NASA administrators are posting online, and international partners are asserting their rights, as China made public a 2.7 trillion dollar offer for the International Space Station, made directly to trump in his truthsocial feed on Friday. The offer reads: “With heartfelt blessings of President Putin, China offers $2.7 trillion USD for the remainder of the International Space Station. Payment directly to president trump for distribution as needed. Details to be discussed in private.”

The message, sent shortly after the closing ceremonies of the SCO summit this week, has sent shockwaves throughout the international community.

“First,” said one NASA administration who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisals, “the ISS does not belong to America, much less donald trump. The station was built by multiple nations who each have an ownership stake. But second, this administration has just promised to put a nuclear reactor on the moon in five years. How can you make these advances while selling critical infrastructure?”

But interest has been shown by the White House, with an announcement that, should the sale go through, every taxpaying American would receive a $50 “Science Refund,” to help stimulate the economy. That has some trump supporters excited.

“I ain’t never going to space,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in eastern Kansas. “But $50 will buy me a space heater. That’s my president.”

EU President Ursula von der Layen says the matter is not open for discussion. “We are happy to work with the Chinese if they buy the Russian and American parts of the station. The EU portion is not for sale.” But pundits question whether the EU would have much say, with the difficulty getting to the station without the Russian or Americans.

Cosmonaut Nikolai Chub says he is concerned to return to earth, as his draft paperwork was resent to the station on Friday, with orders to be sent to Ukraine. The timing seems related to the deal.

The station, built by an international consortium over 13 years, is scheduled to be decommissioned in 2030, with no planned replacement. The Chinese space station, Tiandong, was completed in 2022.

(Washington DC) Source close to the White House are confirming rumors that trump is testing several versions of a new Pledge of Allegiance during his weekly briefing, often interrupting security personnel to make them repeat various versions of the pledge. Unconfirmed rumors also say a ground of school-aged girls were brought to the White House to “test the pledge,” for a proposed October unveiling.

“This is concerning,” said one White House staffer who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “He usually forgets an idea after a few days, but he has been speaking of this for two weeks, it’s very strange.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt denied the rumors, but deflected questions about whether she had been asked to take the pledge. “What I do at the pleasure of the president is private,” she responded to questions related to her taking the pledge.

Administration watchers are cautious in their evaluation. “It feels horrible to say it,” said one, “but it’s always possible he’s just sexually harassing these women and the pledge story is a cover up for this. Really, this is a very broken administration, I can’t believe I am downplaying something they would be doing to only being sexual assault.”

(Houston, TX) As outrage continues to build over the actions of the office of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the office seems unconcerned and even welcoming of the outcry. On Wednesday, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem announced that, by order of the president, ICE would move to only motorcycle units in the coming months. Artist concepts included new uniforms, and two-wheeled cages that would be towed behind the units for prisoners. The outcry has been vocal and immediate.

“This is a disgrace,” said Charles “Buzz” Sabsen, a 10-year veteran motorcycle officer in Philadelphia. “We’ve been saying for months now, at least we’re not ICE. Some ticketed motorists even smile when we tell them. You can’t take us back to the bottom rung just to prove you hate brown people.”

Likewise, ICE officers are decrying the change. “I think this is a bridge too far,” said 10-month veteran ICE officer Aaron “Buzz” Landren. “Some of the newer guys are exciting about this, but us older guys? How will I balance a battering ram on a motorcycle? I’m all for hate, but… have you ever heard of the phrase ‘a hat on a hat?’”

Immigration lawyers note that trumps enforcement numbers are still well below President Biden’s, and motorcycles will not change this. “Mention I want to know where the Epstein files are,” said lawyer Alejandra Rimosa. “Maybe he’ll put them in clown cars next, to see if that distracts us.

The Epstein files could still not be accessed at newstime.

(Washington DC) As the White House attempts to make the trump presidency feel longer by making every week feel like a century, some republicans acclimated to the chaos are casting eager eyes to the 2028 election. And Vance supporters are alarmed by their views.

“Sure, he’s got the couch thing,” said republican voter Karen Hannagen. “But he’s never been to prison. And have you seen the big head memes they’ve got about him? He’s one pair of overalls away from Kentucky, in my book.”

Views like this one have Vance supporter concerned. Nancy Kegal, chair of the ‘Elect Vance Unless Trump Tragically Dies in the Near Future’ Action Committee, says Vance has a lot more crazy buried deep inside than people realize. “Have you ever looked at his eyes? I wouldn’t get in a car with this man.” However Kegal had trouble citing examples, and when pressed admitted Vance often acted more privileged than mentally unstable. “It takes a certain kind of leader to praise a country’s leader at noon and start a trade war with them at before dinner, but vance has been in the same room as trump... they’ve looked at the first page of the same briefings, taken the same pills, and done other things that, when you’re famous, they let you do it. If anyone can be the next trump, it’s vance.”

Other republicans also look eagerly to the next election, over 2 years away. “Trump is fine, but he’s getting repetitive,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Eastern Florida. “Also if he runs, they say Obama might run again, which is illegal, so trump has to stop him by not running. Me I like that RFK guy, he looks like someone I could ask for meth if he knew I weren’t no cop.” The Republican National Committee refuses to weigh in on the matter, saying, “The prompt you requested is not allowed in ChatGPT, please rephrase your request.”

When asked about her preference, Karen Hannegen says she was sad the president couldn’t run again. “When I see trump, I think about my daddy smacking me and telling me it was for my own good. America needs a good smack sometimes… just don’t touch my Medicaid. I think that Tiger King might be a good president, or maybe, who’s that guy that jumps over building? Super Dave? Evil Kineval? Maybe one of them.”

(Bogota, Colombia) As the US ramps up its military presence further and has now sunk an unarmed ship killing its crew, the administration says they are in this until the War on the Epstein Files is over. “We have struck a significant blow to the attention of the media,” said a younger, blonder press secretary favored to soon replace Karoline Leavitt. “We will continue these violations of international law until the Epstein files are forgotten.”

The Epstein files, which trump campaigned on releasing and subsequently went to war with his political base to withhold, contain information about who travelled extensively with Epstein and participated in his extensive child rape enterprise. The trump administration denies they are mentioned in the files, and say they will continue to sink civilian ships until we stop asking about it.

In a briefing Tuesday, a spokesperson filling in for trump, whom they assure us is alive, attempted to follow the president’s notes and describe a number of civilian targets they plan to attack next, including other commercial vessels, a powerplant, and for some reason a Wendy’s in northern Alabama. “Terrible fries, apparently,” said the unnamed spokesperson filling in. He reiterated, “these targets will not be attacked if the Venezuelan government can provide ironclad guarantees that the Epstein matter will be dropped. Thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Wendy’s stock is down after hours on the news of an impending attack on one of their restaurants.

(Minneapolis, MN) After years of declaring the dangers of respecting gender, republicans are quietly optimistic that the recent school shooting in Minnesota, killing two children and injuring many others, will justify 50 years of loud and often violent hatred of transexuals. “We have said for many years, these people need to be driven into the streets and shot like animals,” said one republican pundit on fox news Thursday, “and this one shooting confirms all our years of fear were correct.”

This enthusiasm is widespread among the far right, while some admit that this shooting is a breath of fresh air, after dozens of mass killings by straight, white, conservative males in a row. “I’ll be honest,” said Jerub Cornflour of Kansas, “after all these troubled men who couldn’t get mental help in time in a row, I was starting to think the guns were the problem. I mean, that Trump boy voted for him. But this shows that trans people mean to kill us all, and it’s not the guns, it’s the gay.”

“Would of been nicer if he wasn’t white, though,” he added.

This mental contortionism is widespread in America, where even the idea of banning weapons would be met with laughter at this point. As communities grieve and enter the second of three days they will discuss the tragedy, republicans are just glad they have something to blame other than mental health.

“This is a real tragedy,” lamented Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Georgia. “You have to look at children dying like this and wonder what bathroom he used.”

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans come to terms with another violent shooting of children in out country, many are relieved to hear the recommended period of reflection and grieving has been released on the day of the incident. The US DVA has declared that every American should think about the shooting - which reports three children dead and 18 injured - once a day for three days, but continue their prayers for a total of 40 days. While some are concerned with the brevity of the period of thought, most agree that the period of religious observation is extremely appropriate, given the age of the victims and the religious setting of the tragedy.

“Questions have certainly been raised about the brevity of the thoughts,” said a spokesperson for the agency, “but when a president can limit discussion of his involvement in the Epstein files to only five days, three days is a very generous number.”

Americans agree. Nancy Stracker, a kindergarten teacher outside of Chicago, said, “I can’t stand to even think about something like this happening to the children in my class… better to forget it as quickly as possible and hope the problem goes away by itself.” This helpless apathy is reflected around the country; Leo Stubgetter, a cow detangler in southern Idaho, says “I want to focus on the transgender part of the shooting, not the dead children. More than three days of that would make me almost too sad to hate.”

When asked what could be done to help limit gun violence in America, gun advocates point out that the shooter was transexual, and hope that changes the subject. While no federal agencies focus on white people with firearms, there is a growing call to limit their use by anyone not identifying with their original gender, and gun advocates agree that somehow, by preventing this one shooting using legally purchased weapons, these sorts of tragedies would still happen, but we could stop discussing this one.

(Washington DC) In a confusing emergency press briefing Sunday, press secretary Karoline Leavitt informed the media that the White House is not looking for “the football,” a suitcase that always travels with the president and enables him to launch the US nuclear arsenal. “It is a coffee-colored suitcase about 2-feet by 1-foot, heavy, and may have an open handcuff attached to it,” she said. “Although it is not missing, it would be important to say something if you saw it.”

Members of the media were mixed in their response. “This is probably another ham-fisted attempt to distract from the Epstein files,” said a reporter from CNN, who asked not to be named. “I was really tempted to ask if the files were in the suitcase, if they wouldn’t throw me out over it.” Other reporters agreed, with one saying, “if the files were in there they’d probably lose them harder,” to laughter from those nearby.

Still, some at the briefing expressed concern at the White House’s “over-the-top” attempt to portray things as okay. Said one: “we all know it’s plausible that they lost it, and this is what they’d do if they did. So did they get smarter? Dumber? If they lost the briefcase, what does that mean for national security? Could Pete [Hegseth, Secretary of Defense] have left it in a bar? Really this creates more questions than answers, which is exactly what you’d do to create a distraction.”

The White House’s attentive detail to the non-problem only further muddies the water. Since the briefing, three separate updates have come out, stating that the briefcase is fine, and thanking the press for being diligent watching for it.

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.