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(Westlake, OH) American Greetings Corp (AM) stock is trading higher after hours, following the announcement of a new partnership with Ruger Firearms to produce etched shell casings, following the recent trend in both assassinations and mass shootings. The announcement has drawn praise from investors, who say innovations such as these could help American Greeting eclipse their primary rival, Hallmark.

Twenty-four generic greetings have been announced, with more to come in the following months. Firearm enthusiasts can look forward to slogans such as “hello, deer,” “miss you… not,” and “this round is on you” being ejected from their weapons starting in November.

Gun control groups point to some of the phrases with concern. They note that “we will always be together” sounds much less threatening on a greeting card than a shell casing.

Some firearm enthusiasts also express concern about the new casing, but more focused on whether they are more prone to jamming, and whether custom rounds can be ordered with other sayings.

The trump administration embraced the idea in an announcement, and stated they also are only a few months away from a bullet release of their own. The “trump bullet” will be 24 caret gold, and have the president’s signature on the shell casing. “Every one of these bullets will have my name on it,” the president said at a golf outing, while his secret service nervously looked on.

(Tempe, AZ) Both backlash from liberals and strong support from republicans is meeting the release of a new gun released by Turning Point USA to memorialize the death of Charlie Kirk, the group’s former CEO. The rifle, equipped with a scope and silencer, and “similar to the weapon that killed Kirk” will be available in November, just in time for the holiday season.

A Turning Point spokesperson said the weapon pays tribute to Kirk’s legacy. “Charlie was a firm believer in gun rights. His last words were about gang violence. We feel that releasing this weapon will help heal the divide his death caused.”

But some say the weapon is in bad taste. The anti-gun group Sandy Hook Promise released a statement saying that any glorification of gun violence, and profiting from it, is unAmerican. They also call out the body targets of Kirk that come with the weapon, asking the logic behind including them.

The weapons, however, are seeing massive preorders. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in urban North Dakota, says he will be buying one to commemorate Kirk. “He died doing what he loved, and I’ll say a prayer for him each time I see him in the scope. Amen.”

The Kirk family were not available for comment on the new weapon.

(Washington DC) As the Nobel Committee announces this year’s Nobel Prize winners, much attention is going to the desires - some would say expectations - of republicans for donald trump to win the prize. However, rumors coming from the White House suggest they have a plan in case the president does not win.

Sources not permitted to speak on the record have revealed that a new “US Peace Prize” will be unveiled in November, which in their words, will surpass the Nobel in every way. Multiple sources confirm the prize will be triple the roughly one million amount given with a Nobel, although other accolades differ between sources. Some noted awards include free entry into all trump-branded clubs and facilities, the ability to claim a national park as vacation property, and “a long row of cheerleaders chanting your name as you go up to receive the award.” Sources indicate that the president is very excited for the naming of the first recipient of the prize.

Sources are concerned, however, for the aide that quipped “why would Obama want to go to a trump golf club” when the prizes were discussed. He has not been seen since.

(Oslo, Norway) As the Nobel Committee begins their announcements of this year’s Nobel Prize winners, one eager hopeful recipient of the Peace Prize is taking decisive action to influence the results. Wednesday, the US dispatched a navel carrier task force, led by the USS Abraham Lincoln, to the waters off Norway in anticipation of receiving the prize. Two Marine rapid response landing groups are with the fleet as well.

“We want to make sure the prize has a triumphant return to America,” said Pete Hegseth, leader of the newly renamed US Department of War. “Norway should be honored to have this lethal, heavily armed flotilla off their coast while they announce the winner.”

The president also declared the fleet had a peaceful purpose. “There’s nothing more peaceful than being at sea, nothing,” he said at a golf course outside Washington DC. “You know Lincoln received the peace prize, thats why we sent the Lincoln. He was also a Republican.” [Ed. Note: The Nobel Prize first started 37 years after Lincoln’s death] “I don’t think it would kill the committee to give me the prize, not that these boats couldn’t easily kill them, easily.”

Press Secretary Kathlene Leavitt was also optimistic of the president’s chances. “No president in history is more peaceful than our president, who brings peace to Iran, Venezuela, and any American city that defies him. If the mainstream media can ever do a simple thing right, they will learn to enjoy his respect.”

The Nobel Committee could not be reached at their new underground bunker headquarters for details on the announcement.

(Berlin, Germany) The BMW Corporate team has announced that in 2026, all turn signal technology, previously locked behind a very expensive paywall, will be available as a free feature to all of their luxury vehicles. Drivers of these vehicles will be able to signal freely, negating the $1,000 per signal contract required for these vehicles in the past.

Drivers are optimistic the change will have a great effect on their driving. “Doug,” a 46 year old vehicle collision specialist lawyer, says the change will greatly affect his driving. “I used to have to consider, when I cut this person off, is it worth $1,000 to let them know I saw them, but I’m just being a dick? Now I can freely let them know, and not affect my 3 alimony payments. I’m excited about this change.”

But not all BMW driver are excited. Karen, a 32 year old mom boss, is concerned this may mean BMW drivers will be expected to signal like common folk. “I drive a BMW to signal that I made it… or that Brantley made it, but that’s the same thing, we’re a team. I am still waiting on a BMW manager from the dealership to confirm this is just optional, because I don’t want to do it.”

BMW engineers are embarrassed the change took so long. They note that other car companies have long kept their turn signal technology free, but look forward to BMW drivers being able to show their intension to change lanes more affordably.

The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) could not be reached for comment, as the government is shut down.

(Washington DC) As the US Government shuts down and coverage of the Epstein Files drops to a trickle, the white house announced another bombshell, saying that the US Special Forces will be replaced by artificial intelligence by midyear 2026. The announcement was made in Friday’s press briefing by press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

“Too long have we relied on human beings to rid America of its most dangerous foes,” said Leavitt at the briefing. “The president and war secretary have determined that a combination of AI and drone technology will provide a more intelligent and more loyal strike force for our country’s needs.”

When asked whether special forces soldiers would be absorbed into the existing military structure, Leavitt responded, “the president said to remind them that ICE is hiring.”

The US Special Forces has a proud tradition of serving the United States since 1942, and have provided specialty operations for the military, varying from special reconnaissance to the killing of Osama bin Laden in 2011.

Not all Americans agree with the change. Leo Sturbgetter, a rural Kansas cow detangler and decorated Delta Force veteran, said “I agree with the president on so much, I can’t believe he’d do something to hurt people that voted for him.”

(Portland, OR) The White House is responding in confusion as Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has deployed the state’s National Guard to Portland in a move preempting the president’s order. Kotek says the guard was activated due to rumors that fascists, posing as US Military, were planning to invade the city, under orders of their fat rapist leader.

Kotek says she cannot identify the leader in question. “We know he is very old,” she said at a press conference Tuesday, “and very fat and confused a lot of the time. Some citizens are reporting he has been seen on tv at some golf events. If you have any information to help local authorities track this awful man down, please call the state police department.”

State guardsmen say they are pleased to be called up by the Governor, and will be on the look out for these fascists. “We only know they were supposed to be dressed as soldiers, and their leader is really, really fat, and confused a lot of the time,” said one guardsman who naturally asked not to be named. “We’re not permitted to say who we think this might be, but I understand he could be from Washington. I’m not sure which one, though, could be the state next door.”

The president had no comment if he knew the identity of the fat rapist fascist Governor Kotek described.

(Moscow, Russia) Recent events in the US have alarmed Russian officials, as trump appears to have overcome his fears of association with Jeffery Epstein. On Sunday, the president held a press conference with Maisy, a “very mature” 17-year-old press aide, who he said will be helping him very closely while Melania is out of town. The president joyfully took questions from reporters, and noted several time his new aide’s age.

“She’s quite a girl, and very nimble,” the president noted as his aide stood beside him. The president took questions for 20 minutes, then left, holding his aide’s hand, aboard Marine 1.

The response in Russian security circles was immediate. “We paid so much for these files,” said one agent, on promise of anonymity. “Israel robbed us, and this was before they knew we’d help him win the presidency. He’s been so careful until now, but now it’s like he doesn’t care. It makes no sense.”

“Ukraine is going to get those tomahawk, I can feel it.”

But some Americans support the president’s stance. Bill Belichick, head football coach at UNC, said: “it’s good to see don living his best life. Republicans don’t have to follow the same rules that the rest of you do. I don’t think this Epstein stuff has the pull it once did, which is fortunate, if you ask me.”

And this outlook seems to follow in republican circles that can’t afford sports cars as well. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow-detangler in rural Detroit, said: “this Epstein business has run its course. We’re at war with gangs in Venezuela now. Also Obama needs to shut his mouth and there’s a squirrel that can water ski. We don’t have time for that any more.”

Democrats lament that their half-hearted efforts to release the files no longer seem to affect the president. They note that after six month of effort, they managed to release the names of several of the president’s republican enemies, which they call a win.

The First Ladies office could not be reached for comment.

(Washington DC) Markets and lawmakers are reacting with confusion, as this morning president trump announced in a post on truth social that he was now the ruler of a small island. The post read:

“NOW AS WELL AS PRESIDENT I AM KING OF ISLA MUJERITA LENTO. UPDATE MAPS. REMAINING PRESIDENT AS NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION ON THIS MATTER.”

In a press briefing, a visibly tired Karoline Leavitt informed the press that the island, which cannot be found on any map, is populated mainly by young women who can’t run quickly, and will now be overseen by the president directly. “He will assume all government duties effective immediately, and a beauty pageant overseen by his excellency will be scheduled in one week’s time, overseen directly by the king.” She provided no further details despite repeated questions, instead attempting to draw attention to the Epstein Files in a sudden change of White House policy.

Constitutional scholars question whether a sitting president can rule another country, but note it is not explicitly barred in the constitution. “There might be some issue with the emoluments clause,” said one, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals by the administration, “but that has been put to bed already with the millions trump and his family have made in less than a year. I suppose congress could impeach him, but I find it more likely a bolt of lightning from a vengeful god would strike trump at this point.”

Also at question is the fact no one can identify the island in question. Politicians close to the president note that if such an island existed, full of young nubile women that cannot escape from predatory men, it would be common knowledge in republican circles at this point. They question whether it came to him in a dream, or whether someone close to the president made up the island, and then informed him he could not go.

The Vice President’s office says they encourage the president’s efforts, and say vance will be happy to assume any duties that conflict with being a king. Vance has been making a strong public presence of late, and some speculate the island, and its capital of Boobyfirm, are an effort to transform more power and responsibility to his desk.

A spokeperson from Boobyfirm could not be reached for comment.

(Atlanta, GA) As Christians come to terms with still being on earth after “the rapture,” a day where the most holy would ascend to heaven, there is growing concern in the community as another segment of society is suddenly missing the day after.

Music studios in Atlanta, Detroit, and Los Angeles are silent, as hundreds if not thousands of black musicians have suddenly gone quiet; twitter accounts of major stars such as Doja Cat, Drake, and Niki Minaj are silent, and even Little Wayne cannot be reached for comment. Christians are up in arms, claiming that these artists have stolen their redemption.

“We are god’s chosen people,” shouted Karen Evens, punctuating the comment with her cigarette butt. “We are supposed to be in heaven. Not those people.”

But if a rapture occurred, an unexpected group was chosen as god’s faithful, and some evidence suggests that Karen is correct about the fate of these artists. One sound mixer at TJ Records, whose Manager Dig Drucky can no longer be reached, says an overnight recording session was interrupted by a flash of light, and a suddenly empty studio. “We was jammin and suddenly everyone was gone… drinks all spilled, spliffs on the ground… I had to stop the joints from starting a fire with all those clothes there. Lot of rings and chains, too… you buyin?”

Religious scholars say while a rapture is mentioned in scripture, the possibility of this being a prank should be ruled out first. They note this is not the first predicted rapture event in history.

As the silence goes on, however, some megachurch pastors have begun to worry, as each day raises more questions as to why they were not chosen.

Kid Rock was very much available for comment.

(Atlanta, GA) As shelves fill with Christmas goods not even four months before Christmas, Christians are beginning their customary season opening by publicly denouncing the obvious attacks on the holiday, no longer even 100 days away.

“Yesterday I went to Starbucks,” said Freida Wallbang, “and there were only regular coffee cups. I asked whether they would have Holiday or Christmas cups this year, and the manager told me they won’t know for 2 months still. Like they don’t even care.”

“Also they said Pumpkin spice won’t be in until Fall actually starts, so that’s wrong, too.”

These concerns are being repeated across Facebook, and presumably other Christian conservative hotspots like church talk groups or rural reddit channels. One poster complained that the Devil’s Day (Halloween) was interfering with space for Christmas decorations, and was angered that there were even still Halloween goods at stores so close to the holiday. “How long do we have to keep talking about Halloween,” he asked, “that’s over, it’s time for angels and snowflakes here in Florida.”

Psychologists say this response is normal, and is more related to instinctive response than actual anger. “You have to think like they would… and I use ‘think’ loosely,” said one social behavior specialist who asked to remain anonymous. “They see the decorations on the shelves, and their first thought is that Christmas must be under attack again, because they are always told it’s under attack. I saw stuff out in August this year though… that’s a long time to be angry. It would make a great study if there was any grant money.”

Republicans seem to sense the danger, and Tuesday announced on fox news that people in Gaza were attacking Christmas. In a clever response, some Democratic circles have suggested that Christmas is attacked repeatedly in the Epstein Files.

(Washington DC) As Tyler Robinson appears in court for charges of killing Charlie Kirk, while Luigi Mangione, alleged shooter of healthcare CEO Brian Thompson appears for hearings, First Lady Melania Trump has taken rare initiative in calling for Americans to pay attention to the similarities between these men. In a rare press conference, the first lady called for vigilance.

“No one can deny these crimes are wrong, and forbidden,” she said on Monday. “We have to pay careful attention as a nation to young, well-formed, white men in this age range. We need to know where they are going, whether they are buying weapons, if they have a girlfriend. This is our duty to keep America safe.”

The comments have drawn praise from those who feel America has a problem not divided by left and right, but by strong emotions and political feelings of helplessness. “I know I feel helpless when a much stronger young man is in the elevator with me,” said one female pundit. “You try to appear confident, but you never know what their intentions are. I’m often sweating after thirty seconds.”

These comments mirror the First Lady’s, who has made it her task to monitor the young male staffers of the White House when the president is away or golfing. She replied to questions that this monitoring will be ongoing, and will support the Secret Service. “They don’t have time to watch every pool boy or dishwasher, so I’m going to help with that… much like I’m calling on every American to do as well.”

The president praised the First Lady’s efforts from his golf course in Mara Lago. “She does great, great work,” he said. “Very pleased.”