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You should talk to a therapist.
Asking this question and being self critical is a good sign.
Being told you are gaslighting is NOT necessarily a sign you are a psychopath. They could be gas lighting you. Or you could just have some other blind spots about your own behavior.
People throw gaslighting around willy nilly now, so it could jest mean OP made them think about some opinion they had.
It’s very hard to say without knowing the person, but I think your advice is good.
You should talk to a therapist.
Definitely. This.
It's really the only good answer OP is likely to get on the internet.
You sound like someone on the ASD spectrum - honest, principled, not confirming to social norms, overthinking. You had to mask to survive, yes, so obviously there is a facade, but that don't make you a thief. You are thoughtful & intelligent, & capable of using logic to steer the conversation, but that don't make you manipulative. You are honest man with morals, how can you not be kind? Why don't you consider yourself a nice person?
For what it's worth, ADHD folks tend not to fit social norms, either, and have blind spots about their behavior and how people perceive them.
I had ADHD but also read this as ASD.
There is a lot of overlap with ASD and ADHD symptoms/behaviors.
Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me
Are you sure that they know what that word means? Most of the time I see the word gaslighting, they actually mean something else.
What does it mean? It's a relatively new term and I've seen it used to describe everything from accidental logical fallacies to being short-changed at the liquor store
I'm going to try to explain the origins from memory so someone who knows more will probably explain better.
It comes from an book or a movie, where a husband is planning something nefarious (don't remember if it's a murder or something) and he uses the attic of his house to do it. This is set back in the days when they used gas for lighting things and when he turns on the lighting in the attic, it causes the lights to change (probably get dimmer) in the rest of the house. His wife notices this and brings it up to him, since he obviously doesn't want to reveal that he is the one causing it, he constantly convinces his wife that it's all in her head and that she might be losing her mind.
From the wiki article describing the play/movie the phrase comes from:
"In the story, the husband secretly dims and brightens the indoor gas-powered lighting but insists his wife is imagining it, making her think she is going insane."
Imo it's when someone is deceived by a person who lies about the actual state of affairs/reality to make the other person question what they experienced as credible. I don't think that's the same as when someone helps question beliefs in general because skepticism is good to make sure we aren't self deluding, but if that person is lying about reality to manipulate them it becomes bad/gaslighting.
Another example I think is from it's always sunny in Philadelphia in the episode where Dennis and Mac go to live in the suburbs and Mac asks Dennis if he hears a beeping the audience can hear and Dennis says he can't until he blows up saying of course he can when berating Mac. Dennis is angry at Mac and in retaliation he gaslights him about the annoying beeping sound to manipulate him into questioning if the beeping is real or an audio hallucination.
Edit: just realized it's possible it's always sunny was doing an homage to Gaslight in that episode as they've done similar things in the past with other older movies and TV shows
Not to be an armchair psychologist over here (you should probably see a therapist) but it sounds more like autism, not psychopathy.
Maybe you’re undiagnosed autistic. Im serious.
It doesn't seem like you're a sociopath, it seems like you have ASD. That kind of analytical, no nonsense approach to socialization is typical of high functioning ASD.
It might be worth looking into, of for no other reason than to better understand yourself
Sounds like the absolute worst version of imposter syndrome. You doubt everything you are and believe, because you might have some sort of mental illness. Not knowing what that mental illness is you assume the worst possible one.
Oof. Don't worry. You're just who you are. All your accomplishments are real. All your values are valid. Anyone can feel gaslit, honestly memory itself is very shaky. For example tell me exactly what you did 12 days ago. Tell me what you had for lunch that day.
If it's still bugging you just go talk to a therapist. Every person, mentally well or not should see a therapist at least once. There is no shame in exploring your pysche.
Well I wasn't going to comment because I thought everyone here was going to say "you're describing everyone we all feel that way" but I guess not haha
Everything you said in your original post is something I've said when describing myself to my SO or friends. I've been called condescending and I've worked very hard to not be that way. Sometimes when I start hanging out with someone new or get a new coworker I can tell by first impressions they aren't going to like me. Nowadays I can usually turn it around but in the past I would just try not to bother them. People will say "why do you hate me?" and it will catch me off guard because I dont feel that way at all.
I'm also told I can be very argumentative. I get that less now as I am more aware of it, but people who know me know that I am passionate about my opinions.
I don't have any advice besides thank people who give you feedback. Being yourself doesn't mean not working on your social skills, they can be trained like anything else. I've definitely learned better habits, I have more and closer friends through years of work and introspection.
Also you are not a psychopath and there isn't anything wrong with you. Most likely your social type isn't the majority and you have to work a bit harder to gel with the mainstream. Its just something to be aware of. I often feel like my '"true self" is hidden from others, so I try to be as real as possible with my SO and my closest friends.
Are you capable of feeling guilt or remorse? If so you are probably not a psychopath. If not you might have some traits. In any case you might want to see a professional.
Also autism is often mistaken for some degree of psychopathy. As an autist I have personal experience with this.
Oh definitely. I just had a spider get stuck on a glue trap meant for thrips and I felt bad the whole day.
Just out of curiosity: When you say you always speak the truth, is that truth you speak always something negative?
Yeah, there’s an important distinction between genuine honesty and an asshole who “just tells it like it is”.
Also a difference between "always tells the truth" and "always says all of what's on their mind".
Like if someone asks if they look good in an outfit , there's a very large range of truthful replies. Some are more hurtful than others.
No, it means I don't say things that are untrue. If I can without lying avoid saying what I know someone doesn't want to hear I prefer to do that. But if you ask for my opinion you're going to get it.
Username checks out?
I’ve had similar concerns about myself. I’ve started therapy and found out that I’m suffering from toxic shame - something originating in childhood, developing as you age, and comprehensively modifying behavior in adulthood to include masking, dissociation, lack of emotional connection, inhumanly strong moral guidelines/standards, etc. I’d suggest at least looking up the concept of toxic shame. Also, give yourself some credit and some love; whatever the cause, it’s almost certain that your behavioral patterns were set by forces outside of your control and it sounds like you’ve managed it well
Psychopathy is a popular catch-all term. "Low-empathy" is better, but I think you're just a critical person and most people don't like criticism or self-reflection.
Yes. But then I remember I'm not smart enough to do that.
No of course not. If I'm a psychobath I wouldn't worry about it.
Well if you're capable of worrying about it that means you're not a psychopath. Sounds more like you think critically about subjects and raise points that they never considered.
Now you may not be bringing those points up nicely, or maybe abruptly, or lack of grace. That you'll have to explore yourself. It really depends on the nature of your conversations/debates/attitude.
Life advice for everyone, read "How to win friends and influence people".
The undiplomatic straightforwardness you describe makes me think your empathy might be severely limited, which is sometimes looked at as a defining aspect of psychopathy. Have you heard about this guy? It's a great story.
Something to consider in regards to honesty, is tact.There's no reason to lie, but also no reason to be abrasive. It is something I struggle with myself and how I use words.
An example of tact could be someone has bad breath your response could be: "Your breath smells like shit" or "You could use a mint"
The latter will be much better received than the former but neither are a lie and present the issue. Saying things as definitive I've noticed also comes across as harsh even if you are 100% certain of something. I don't fully grasp communication in that way but I've gotten better once I've recognized it and it has helped my interactions. Perhaps it could aid yours.
If you worry that you may be a psychopath, you’re not one!
You’d have framed this question differently. You’d be putting the blame on the other person
“Why is he/she stupid enough to think I’m gaslighting? Can’t they grow up?”
It's good to be self aware and self critical but I think you're over analysing yourself and putting negative labels on you.
A true psychopath wouldn't care or have the ability to care.
The way you describe yourself you sound like you're intelligent and insightful, and it's unsurprising you would get on with older people if you're more mature than others of your age.
You do need to be careful about inadvertently manipulating other people to your way of thinking - anyone needs to be careful of that, but particularly if they're skilled in being persuasive. Just because you can persuade people to your way of thinking does not mean you are always right. I'm able to do the same in real life but have to frequently stop myself and think - it's really important to learn to be open to other positions before you rush in and try to change people's minds.
Having said all that, that is not "gaslighting". You may need to understand what your friend is saying. It may be that actually you are doing a good thing in persuading them. Or it may be you're inadvertently doing harm.
Or it may just be that your friend is very impressionable - some people are a bit like pillows - they will take on the opinion of the last person they spoke to much like a pillow takes an indent from the l last head they laid on. That'd be their problem, now yours.
But you probably need to understand what it is your friend is saying so you can reflect on whether they are right or wrong to blame you.
Overall though, you seem to take quite a negative view of yourself or are worrying you are a "bad person" (although a psychopath isn't bad, they're just built differently; but obviously that seems bad to a lot of people). The fact you worry about being a psychopath shows you are not one, but also it shows you seem to be feel bad or guilty about who you are. You should explore why that is. As others have said, therapy can be a good way to do that. But having self awareness and a degree of self criticism (within limits) is already a powerful thing; but it can be a bad thing when that is paired with low self esteem.
I'm gonna guess that "Quite the opposite; I have very strong morals. This however icludes things like not lying which means that I always speak the truth and not everyone likes hearing it. I don't follow many of the social norms expected of me."
is the reason for this
"A person recently said to me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I so effortlesly make them question their own beliefs and feelings."
It's good to remember that most of our society is based on lying, and that most people prefer someone nice, rather than someone honest.
most people prefer someone nice, rather than someone honest
I try to identify those people fast to keep away from them.
Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings
That says more about them than about you. An intelligent, stable adult shouldn't be able to be so easily affected, even if they were in a room with Hannibal Lecter.
I've always been quite critical of myself
Lots of people are. That's a good thing, as long as it's constructive criticism. Sometimes it can go overboard and become unhealthy.
don't consider myself a very nice person
Yeah that's not great. You should be nice.
I have very strong morals
Then I think you're not a psychopath.
However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don't conform to many social norms expected of me
That's great! I wish more people in the world were like this.
However, it's also important to say things in a respectful way. That doesn't mean beating around the bush or sugar coating anything. It just means take their feelings into account.
E.g. if someone asks you if they are good at their job, and the truth is they suck, don't say "no, you suck" (unless they deserve it). Say "there's room for improvement. You can get there by working on x, y, and z." The latter is constructive and gives them a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. In a way, that is more truthful than no light at all. Everyone can improve and change and better themselves, and it's important to remind others (and yourself) of that.
Not conforming to society is great. I wish fewer people conformed.
But I can't help but wonder why they don't see me as I see myself
No one can do that but you.
I worry that I'm hiding the true me so well that people don't actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain
That's called being an adult. As a child, we aren't required to regulate our emotions, or enter complicated relationships with others. Life is full of tradeoffs, and after enough of them, even if you always make the best choices, you'll still be far from where you felt when you started. We're all strangers in foreign lands after a while. That doesn't make you a psychopath; it makes you human.
I feel of felt something like you (and like someones that commented here). What made me search for help was this fantastic interview with a sociopath, with which I found big big (BIG) correlation: https://youtu.be/bdPMUX8_8Ms (I didn' t remember it was that long, but is worth if you may).
Long story short: it was found that I'm not sociopath, autistic (all questions of mine, subject to exams), but I know I have a different perception of relations. I can go aroung and do like Dyshae (the interviewed person of the video), demonstrating what others expect for good even though I don't feel it like everyone else.
Or I can be myself and, if my lifestyle is healthy for me and others, only live, no need to change how I do or trying to change my feelings. (In my specific case, it is not healthy to me, I have depression and I'm paralyzed by many things, but this would not then be of interest here and, certainly, not more Long Story Short.)
I hope it can be a light for you.
I would suggest that you find a therapist who is experienced with psychopathy and see them. Although a lot of people who are psychopaths do terrible things, not everyone does and empathetic SEEMING behaviors can be learned and be beneficial. It seems like this is bothering you and getting a diagnosis and learning how to read other people's emotions and respond appropriately might help. Even if you aren't actually feeling it, you could put them at ease and fit in better. Radical truth is great and all but little white lies get told for a reason and that's something it might help you to learn.
Yeah I absolutely relate to this, but challenging people yo be objective and showing them a new perspective* that is outside of the norm is not gaslighting. Asking someone to question their behavior is not gaslighting. Especially when you are here applying the same reasoning to yourself.
Gaslighting is intentionally making somebody question their perceivable reality with the intent to manipulate for your own gain. I don't think this applies to philosophical questions of morality unless you are contradicting and forcing your beliefs on them through some type of moral absolutism. I also don't think it applies if you convince someone the closed down shop was a hot dog stand and it was actually a Burger stand so long as you were honestly mistaken. If you keep them in the dark intentionally after learning the truth that would probably be though.
It is possible also that your definition of truth is too broad and you need to interject some self doubt, since we've all been wrong before, and maybe in that invitation to discuss both possibilities your approach will be refined.
In line with what others here are saying, I have the same thoughts as you and i got diagnosed with ADHD late, the psychiatrist mentioned I fit multiple criteria for ASD but that ADHD correctly captures most symptoms so we go with that. If possible taking assessments and talking to a profrssional should help cut down on these instances where you assume the worst of yourself.
I sometimes wonder if the emotions I display are genuine or if I'm mimicking them to appear normal.
So a sociopath, basically.
That's called "masking" and is more closely associated with being autistic than sociopathy.