this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2024
292 points (92.4% liked)

No Stupid Questions

35901 readers
2416 users here now

No such thing. Ask away!

!nostupidquestions is a community dedicated to being helpful and answering each others' questions on various topics.

The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:

Rules (interactive)


Rule 1- All posts must be legitimate questions. All post titles must include a question.

All posts must be legitimate questions, and all post titles must include a question. Questions that are joke or trolling questions, memes, song lyrics as title, etc. are not allowed here. See Rule 6 for all exceptions.



Rule 2- Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material.

Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material. You will be warned first, banned second.



Rule 3- Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here.

Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here. Breaking this rule will not get you or your post removed, but it will put you at risk, and possibly in danger.



Rule 4- No self promotion or upvote-farming of any kind.

That's it.



Rule 5- No baiting or sealioning or promoting an agenda.

Questions which, instead of being of an innocuous nature, are specifically intended (based on reports and in the opinion of our crack moderation team) to bait users into ideological wars on charged political topics will be removed and the authors warned - or banned - depending on severity.



Rule 6- Regarding META posts and joke questions.

Provided it is about the community itself, you may post non-question posts using the [META] tag on your post title.

On fridays, you are allowed to post meme and troll questions, on the condition that it's in text format only, and conforms with our other rules. These posts MUST include the [NSQ Friday] tag in their title.

If you post a serious question on friday and are looking only for legitimate answers, then please include the [Serious] tag on your post. Irrelevant replies will then be removed by moderators.



Rule 7- You can't intentionally annoy, mock, or harass other members.

If you intentionally annoy, mock, harass, or discriminate against any individual member, you will be removed.

Likewise, if you are a member, sympathiser or a resemblant of a movement that is known to largely hate, mock, discriminate against, and/or want to take lives of a group of people, and you were provably vocal about your hate, then you will be banned on sight.



Rule 8- All comments should try to stay relevant to their parent content.



Rule 9- Reposts from other platforms are not allowed.

Let everyone have their own content.



Rule 10- Majority of bots aren't allowed to participate here.



Credits

Our breathtaking icon was bestowed upon us by @Cevilia!

The greatest banner of all time: by @TheOneWithTheHair!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
 

Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn't sit well with me, especially since I've been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.

I've always been quite critical of myself and don't consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn't enjoy being around me, I don't blame them one bit. It's not like I'm intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don't conform to many social norms expected of me.

Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can't help but wonder why they don't see me as I see myself. I worry that I'm hiding the true me so well that people don't actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn't be second-guessing themselves in this manner.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] asdfasdfasdf@lemmy.world 7 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings

That says more about them than about you. An intelligent, stable adult shouldn't be able to be so easily affected, even if they were in a room with Hannibal Lecter.

I've always been quite critical of myself

Lots of people are. That's a good thing, as long as it's constructive criticism. Sometimes it can go overboard and become unhealthy.

don't consider myself a very nice person

Yeah that's not great. You should be nice.

I have very strong morals

Then I think you're not a psychopath.

However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don't conform to many social norms expected of me

That's great! I wish more people in the world were like this.

However, it's also important to say things in a respectful way. That doesn't mean beating around the bush or sugar coating anything. It just means take their feelings into account.

E.g. if someone asks you if they are good at their job, and the truth is they suck, don't say "no, you suck" (unless they deserve it). Say "there's room for improvement. You can get there by working on x, y, and z." The latter is constructive and gives them a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. In a way, that is more truthful than no light at all. Everyone can improve and change and better themselves, and it's important to remind others (and yourself) of that.

Not conforming to society is great. I wish fewer people conformed.

But I can't help but wonder why they don't see me as I see myself

No one can do that but you.

I worry that I'm hiding the true me so well that people don't actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain

That's called being an adult. As a child, we aren't required to regulate our emotions, or enter complicated relationships with others. Life is full of tradeoffs, and after enough of them, even if you always make the best choices, you'll still be far from where you felt when you started. We're all strangers in foreign lands after a while. That doesn't make you a psychopath; it makes you human.

[–] John_McMurray@lemmy.world 1 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Sociopaths are quite often like this, blunt, moral and intelligent. They're moral out of logic instead of empathy, and I'm not convinced it ain't better.

[–] Thorny_Insight@lemm.ee 1 points 8 months ago

moral out of logic instead of empathy

That's interesting. I'm definitely capable of feeling empathy but my morals are firmly tied to logic and reason. That's why they're so universal and I don't put them aside even when it's about a person I don't (or shouldn't) like. This inconsistency driver me crazy about some people. They might for example present themselves as a kind and compassionate person but then they read an article about someone they don't like and all decency goes out the window and they start writing horrible comments about them. The inverse of that is when I remain calm and measured about something and give people the benefit of the doubt then all of a sudden I'm the bad person for not getting angry about something that I don't even have all the facts on.