Ask Lemmy

You know when you're talking to someone and they have maybe a crumb or flake on their face, and you can't help but be drawn to watch it just in case it falls, but whether it does or doesn't fall that wouldn't impact you in any way? But it's distracting anyway?

That's all women's chests. I'm not lecherous, I have a wife and female friends, I'm vigilant and keep it in check, but I'm compelled to check on them over and over. My wife's, stranger's, doesn't matter. Even if I've seen my wife's every day while she was changing for 11 years. What if they were to sway a certain way? What if there was a slight bounce and I missed it? What if the fabric became taut and revealed a line beneath. Or a shape. Perhaps a slight nub in the center? Was that there a second ago? Does that mean anything? I'd better check back to see if it changes again. The buttons on her blouse are slightly stretched, and if she moves just right I may be able to see a glimpse of skin. Not breast skin, goodness no, just any skin currently covered by the shirt. If I'm lucky it'll have some shadow on it to imply shape. This dress has a dip in the front. I wonder if I could... It would never reveal anything. It wouldn't. But what if it did. I can't know unless I look. This shirt is slightly sheer in the light. What's beneath?

The fabric stretched across her backside displays lines when she bends slightly forward. Now I know she's wearing underwear. I mean, of course she is, everyone is... but now I know she is. And its shape. Her bum looks soft. Cushioned. If I were up against it I could really- No! No. But I could. And it would press against me. Stop it. And I could reach forward from behind, slide my hands up her sides and cup her- No! No Goddammit! They look like they'd be soft. In my hands.

The older woman in black's shirt just slid slightly up above her waistline, revealing a sliver of skin. There was nothing unexpected or special about this skin. It wasn't overtly attractive, but I saw it. It was covered and I saw it. Does she know I saw it? I'm glad I saw it.

The waitress in the tight shirt smiled at me. She's younger than me, but not too young. Right? No. I mean, it'd be a little creepy, but not like... creepy creepy right? And maybe she's into that? Probably not, it's clearly all about tips. She's a professional, she knows what she's doing. Yeah she does... Besides, what could even happen. I'm getting dinner, with my wife, and she probably doesn't even get off for hours. But... just statistically some younger women are into older guys right? And I'm not complete dogshit. It's clearly about just being nice, it's part of the service industry. Is it so unbelievable that any woman could find me attractive? Is that fucking impossible? No but- She smiled while looking into my eyes. That's something right? No. It's not, I was just passing the machine back to her after paying. Her lips look soft. Maybe no one's ever kissed her well before. Like sure she's probably had a lot of male interest, but they were probably all douchebags. They probably didn't even care about her pleasure. I could. I mean I would. Like, if I weren't here and she weren't here and we met at a different time and place and things were casual, I think she'd be lucky for me to show her... What the fuck am I even...

When she turned to leave a thin line of her underwear flashed briefly above her yoga pants. Now I know they're blue.

Feels like a deep urge, short circuiting your brain to satisfy it. Like hunger or thirst. The longer I go without sexual attention, the more my brain starts to interpret everything as an opportunity for sex. When I satisfy it, it brings joy and release and calm. It's fun, intimate and satisfy needs for closeness and touch.

It also feels deeply connected to a bunch of psychological stuff like the need for approval, gender affirmation, power dynamics, competitiveness and more.

I'm a man with crippling depression and anxiety who has never had sex or been in a relationship. I jerk off sometimes three times a day (exception rather than the rule) to porn I fucking hate. When I try to watch something I actually like I can't seem to get hard enough. My therapist I used to see says it's not even me being horny it's loneliness combined with touch starvation. So, I don't know if I can even answer in a way that's helpful now that I'm thinking of it. It seems what I thought of as being horny is a coping mechanism. Though I will say being horny is like being drunk, it can cloud your judgment. Testosterone is a hell of a drug. That's all I can say with certainty.

Like slipping into a daydream during a long day after a night with little sleep.

I would say it's like a strong appetite for food.

Imagine you just ate, you pass a street vendor and the food looks and smells delicious. You have the time, the money to stop and get some street food. Maybe it's bad for your health, but it's worth it in the moment.

I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid.

That's dumb, it's a strong desire and it can make you do dumb stuff like buying 2-3x the street food amount you can eat, but it's not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven't learned restraint.

Someone who cheats doesn't cheat because they're horny, they cheat because they never properly valued the relationship they're in to begin with. Same for the career stuff, they probably got away with it so far, and they go too far like people go over the speed limit with their car. Whatever risk exists, they think it doesn't apply to them or that situation.

eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull.

I don't think it's a thing you can train or learn, it's too biological. And it's not worth chasing that much. Staying with the food metaphor, some people love food so much, they travel, learn to cook, experiment, it's a whole hobby. And others are fine with mostly eating the same food every day, use little spices and never learn even to cook good simple dishes like pasta with a decent sauce.

If it's a problem in your relationship because your partner doesn't feel valued that way, solve it the same way you answer what to eat: go along with what they want, surprise them with a visit to a restaurant you know they like etc.. But also talk and explain to them that you will probably not change that way and they have to accept that.

You are acknowledging this is NSFW but didn't use the NSFW flag?

Imagine your pants getting smaller.

A deep and primal yearning that crashes over you in waves. A thorn in your psyche; always a subtle throbbing but impossible to ignore once anything diverts your attention to it. Constant intrusive thoughts, loneliness, frustration, panic, desperation, aggression.

Other people are saying its akin to hunger, but I'd say it's more like thirst. There's a stronger sense of urgency and a subtle feeling that's always present and ready to bubble up to the surface at any moment to override everything else.

Recurring, almost obsessive thoughts about certain acts and situations. Vivid imagination of how the body feels during the act. Both to a level where your objectives and priorities are narrowed down to achieving these feelings / situations / acts IRL. Inner tension that can only be relieved by reaching this goal.

The recent thread (on .ml AskLemmy, maybe?) with transpeople who have experienced both kinds of horny was super illuminating for me.

Significant hunger is probably the closest thing to testosterone horny. It's hard to ignore when you need to get some. Then again, it goes away once you (ahem) take care of it, so I don't really get some of the most extreme things that end up happening.

Apparently estrogen horny is slow burning but doesn't really go away, by comparison. OP in that thread said it's actually more intense on estrogen, although in a different way, and now I understand the stupid relationship choices women make a little better.

Edit: Oh, I missed that you're a man, OP. Obviously level of libido varies quite a bit.

As someone with a low libido (and possibly on the ace spectrum), these replies have been interesting, and I gotta say, despite the problems it can cause, I'm kinda glad I'm this way. I know about having strong cravings for things, but having such cravings for other people sounds awful.

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I've experienced both sides, and there is definitely a different quality to the attraction and horny-ness. It's hard to put my finger on or describe in a way that isn't a cliche like "aggressive" and "raw". It's less romantic? It fills your mind a little, it's impulsive, it doesn't have the same yearning. At least for me.

For what it's worth I prefer my attraction and sex now as a woman. Not to act as an internet doctor, but I definitely felt a bit like you when my testosterone was too low. All women have testosterone and having the wrong amount can affect sexual desire - it might be worth having yours checked.

Feels like hunger honestly, brain does start to short circuit, you stop thinking as deeply

For me, as someone with serious libido issues, its unbearable, I want it constantly and cannot sate it. I get maybe 15 minutes of clarity after getting some, then my brain is back to see immediately after. Its a curse for me, I've been talking to a doctor but I don't know what to do. Honestly, it feels good, like really good. But afterwards I feel terrible, like why did I want that so much? But I feel like my experience is an odd one.

Idk, what does it feel like to not be horny?

MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.

I think I agree with your sentiment that sex is overrated. I quite enjoy it, but the way it is portrayed in media is usually more extreme than my own feelings and those of men around me.

I remember when I was around 16-18. I started to diet and exercise, was on the tail end of puberty in my physical prime and drenched in hormones. Went to high school and was surrounded by people my own age experiencing the same. Culture and marketing leads to high school girls constantly fighting with the adults and dress codes to wear skimpier, tighter clothing. I had my first girlfriend and we were both excited to start messing around. And there's a philosophical component- why do we exist? We are a repeating pattern (DNA) that exists not for a reason, but because it can. Life that does not procreate dies, so in a sense procreation is the most life-y thing you can possibly do.

At the same time, I knew better. I was lucky to have sex education and not be in a very religious household. A couple of friends, and my first girlfriend, were victims of sexual assault. I had seen other men succumb to their desires, ruin their own lives, hurt people around them. Not to mention the very real threats of pregnancy and disease. So even while my physiology craved it and my philosophy guided me towards it, my mind pumped the brakes.

The physiology waned as I got older. Or perhaps just distracted with college and work, maintaining an apartment and then a house. My energy was directed elsewhere. My wife and I quickly settled on having sex roughly once a week.

About a year ago though, we created a polycule with another couple. It was really hard for me to keep up at first. I would have to watch my nutrition- make sure I don't overwat or ear heavy and greasy foods beforehand. Make sure I was working out and physically active in general, but not a full workout right before or else my muscles would be too tired. Mentally, I would have to start purposefully thinking about sex for several hours beforehand to make sure I was in the right headspace and ready to perform. The past 3 months have been suddenly dry due to just calendar issues and some minor medical procedures in the group, so I've found myself in this routine of trying to be horny and keep up but suddenly without the payoff of it. I also have a touch of the 'tism and really like predictable routines and long-term planning while the other 3 people are bi-polar or severe ADHD, and they all seem to have little issue with going from cozy to horny almost instantly.

The actual feeling of horniness I think is similar to most other biological functions. Being hungry or thirsty or sleepy, needing to urinate or defecate. I view it similarly, ideally on a roughly 2-4 day cycle. Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days. I'd find it difficult to get hard for a couple hours after, and difficult to cum again for at least 6, more like 24 hours after. By day 4 I noticed I start to get a little bit more irritable, a little bit more stressed out by little things. Longer than that and sexual thoughts start to interrupt my normal thoughts processes. Blue balls is real too. I know some men exaggerate the affect to manipulate women into sex, and some women have started to think blue balls isn't real, but the reality is that it's real minor inconvenience that I try to avoid.

The Wolf of Wall Street scene where they talk about masturbating multiple times a day is hyperbole, but not entirely inaccurate. I think there's a lot of value to a quick, utilitarian jack off for some cheap stress relief and clarity. Having sex with others is fun, but people obsess over it too much in my opinion.