Ask Lemmy

I'm going to skip over the "find a hobby that gets you outside the house" because I assume you will have thought of this and/or others will elaborate in the comments.

So my attempt at novel advice is not to sleep on online relationships. If your rural community is too small to support a group in your niche interest, find a group online. Be active in the group, asking and contributing, joining and volunteering. You may find it's still 100:1 people you interact with to people you form any sort of lasting relationship with, but that's not really any different than IRL.

One of my sister's longest lasting friendships is with someone she met playing an online Horse Girl^TM game in the 00s. The game has been defunct for a decade, but they stayed friends. They only met in person for the first time when the friend was getting married. You never know when our weirdness vibes with someone else's weird; it's a beautiful thing. She values that online-origin friendship just as much as any IRL-origin friendship.

It ain’t easy. I’ve found this quote from CS Lewis to be true

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”

In other words, friendships are often about or around something. Work friends. Gaming friends. Etc. it’s 100000x easier to talk about something with a stranger and allow more personal things to trickle in.

I was just at PAX West and was waiting in line for an hour. The guy in front of me cracked a joke and I laughed and played along. I asked him if he attended cons a lot. Which led to ones he’d been to and favorite ones which led to the developers who had the best booths to favorite games to favorite movies. We chatted for an hour about stuff we liked. We had lots of similar interests in gaming, movies, etc.

This is where you need to have some interests to talk about and if you don’t, then you need to find some. Hiking, gaming, puzzles, whatever.

Don’t discount online friends too. Find a discord about something you like and just start participating

Build community, somehow, online or in person. Even in rural communities there are other people around, even if you don't know they exist, even people you can get along with. Go find them.

My husband and I (M), in our mid 40s, feel the same. We used to have tons of friends in our 20s and 30s but they've all gone everywhichway and we can't seem to make any new friendships stick. They all die on the vine at good acquaintance. It's not for lack of trying. And WE live in a city! Anyway, all this to say: it's not just you. I think society has changed its social bonding. I suspect we have shifted dramatically during the pandemic and outer relationships aren't an interest to general society anymore. We put in our effort and have good social interactions with others but we seem to be the only ones trying. I don't know how this will help, except: you're not alone? 💜

DnD and Discord/Revolt video game groups.

I'm an introvert though so I'm okay just being on my own.

I don't deal with it all that well. I mostly spend my days taking naps due to depression.

I shitpost comments all over Lemmy whenever I feel lonely.

It's easy, I hate most people. :)

Seriously though, social stuff never interested me. Leave me alone with my books, my tech, and my cats. Don't really need anything else.

I make an exception for family, and cooking, and stuff like that, but in general? I'm happy to stay at home.

How do y’all do it?

In a sort of similar boat in the sense of no friends, not really an active social life and for now, work means nothing but getting the money (will change in a year though when I quit for a new job). Plus having OCD and social anxiety (diagnosed by a specialist).

I keep myself busy with things, I like: Gaming, reading books/ manga, tv shows and anime. I'm also trying to get myself into a bit of different things such as learning a language (isn't going well though) or trying to educate myself more into things I find interesting.

moving is not an option for me at this time or anytime soon.

How come?

You have work colleagues? Have you tried making friends with any of them?

Have you tried doing anything to make friends in any capacity? Friends don’t just drop in your lap while you sit at home.

Also when you say your family and friends all disowned you, was there perhaps also an element of you disowning them over ideological disagreements even if some of them still wanted to remain friends?

You need a hobby that forces you out of the house and interacting with new people. That's how you'll form new friendships and fill your time with things you enjoy.

I was in the same boat 8 or so years ago, when I first started transitioning, and what I did was find local groups for things I liked on Meetup.com and joined them. I also started attending conversions for things I liked too, if your area hosts any.

At a local anime convention, I met a gaming group which I liked and joined and would eventually meet my current partner in. I had also joined a local board gaming group which is where I met one of my closest friends who was also in a similar alone situation and we ended up bonding because of that and our shared interests.

I wouldn't say it was unusual to have fewer friends as you age. Plenty of people seem happy spending time by themselves or with their partner.

That said, I've noticed in my 30s that some friends who've coupled up (some with new families tbf), are pulling out of more social plans or generally seeming less interested in hanging out. I think they are making a mistake there: friends are way easier to make in your 20s/30s and you need to tend to friendships to keep them alive.

I don't live rural and I imagine the conservative bent makes the trans femmeness that much harder.

One thing I haven't seen here though is volunteering. Doing good with other people is a pretty way to get to know people.

In my province, our rural areas practically beg people to volunteer as firefighters (for us, rural generally means the woods) and from every chat I've had with someone doing that, it seems very social.

If there are any Democrat offices etc, they love volunteers.

Hope those kinda help? Good luck!

I had a shitty abusive childhood with zero social contact, so I never really learned how to have friends, or thus how to need or really derive much fulfilment from them; all my emotional needs and regulation had to come from within, and I am the part of a person that's left when all the bits that can't survive that are gone.

I got out of there eventually, but by that time it had kind of grown over; I eventually learned to be (slightly) social, but honestly it's a bunch of work for empty calories; I can spend the whole weekend's time/energy/spoons on some group activity but don't get to recharge and it's like not getting a weekend at all.

so in answer to your question I do a lot of hiking.

Also rural US here. For me: Play board games, find other folks to play with. Facebook group for better or worse, but over the years other methods help such as FLGS game night, or bar game night.

Also effective for another friend: “retro” / couch-friendly console video game nights. Invite over friends to join.

And another: book club.

These are not all necessarily things I am interested enough in to do on my own, but am happy to join others in. Persistence is key. Just because no one shows up a few times, that’s okay. Be flexible within the context of the activity. It’s fine to hate the book you’re reading, or just hang out to talk/listen even if you don’t want to fully participate. And allow others to do the same, but be welcoming and inviting!

Hope this helps.

If you're a reader, find a book club/discussion group. Also, check your local public library for any group activities that may interest you.

I don't know, cousin. Like my spouse and I are in the same situation: We've got each other but no other close friends. In our case because we got married younger and had kids younger than anyone else and they stopped hanging out with us.

I’m married and share a lot of your feelings. Never really had friends, super introverted and anxiety runs my life sometimes. I’ve been struggling with mental health for over 3 decades and it can feel exhausting sometimes. Life feels like a roller coaster at times that I just want off of.

Mid-50s here. Maybe not quite as isolated as you. Stopped working (60 hour weeks) a few years ago; family all 4+ hours away - visit 2ce/year; couple of friends on the other coast I exchange daily-ish emails, but no hang-out-and-watch-the-game people.

Everyone's different, and I don't really feel the emptyness you describe. I read, both print and web. I post on lemmy maybe 1/day, sometimes twice, sometimes not for days, but reading threads here, I think, satisfies my need for interaction, even if it's just voyeuristically watching other people's conversation. Video games, all single-player. Youtube cooking channels and a bit of my own cooking - can't really cook that much for one person. Some wood/craft/metal projects.

I thought I'd become lonely when I stopped working. Planned to look around for volunteer opportunities, maybe take up a yoga or other fitness-type class, but that loneliness or emptyness just hasn't hit. I did spend a couple years sort of tapering off contact with the people I used to work with: get coffee on the weekend or consult on some project, but I haven't even heard from them in years now.

All that just to say: the people you see flourishing may just have a different experience of social satisfaction than you, and just because you see someone apparently happy in a situation doesn't mean you can be happy in the same sitch. There's lots of good advice in this thread, but you can start even smaller. Check in with a neighbor - make up some pretense if you need, like baked too many cookies, harvested too many tomatoes, can't lift heavy-thing into the right place. If they aren't complete assholes for that 5 minutes, try something else. If they are, try a different neighbor.

On the 'in case of emergency' thing: the last time I needed a ride to a medical thing, because they won't discharge you to Uber, my neighbor was right there. Lived next door to him for 20 years, but we exchange, maybe, three sentences in a month. I don't even know his daughter's name or the grandkids that visit periodically. I don't know what I'll do if/when I start to have medical stuff that needs recovery assistance. Maybe a home health worker. Maybe just hope I can hold out until Medicare will pay for inpatient rehab. But I was happy to see the 'community pulls together to help its own' phenomenon in person, even a recluse like me.

I don't exactly know. My wife and kids help me stay sane (or push me in the other direction). They are my everything, even though I wish I had some other outlets.

I have a friend I see every year or two.

I had another friend who transitioned and we drifted apart because every conversation revolved around that and as happy as I am for her, our relationship began around gaming and movies and nerd stuff and that glue just faded away. I'm still emotionally invested in her well-being, but we don't have anything in common any more.

Another close friend lost his job and moved states to live with his brother and mom

And that's basically it. Other than my family, I just have social media, but I'm pretty private and don't really open myself up online, preferring to interact anonymously. So I don't have any advice to help, but you're not alone (in a totally unhelpful way).

I'm in my 40's, and I guess, I don't feel the need for others because I managed to complete my bucket list in my 20's and 30's, and now I can just kind of enjoy my peace and quiet.

I read a lot of books and sip a lot of wine, and I just enjoy it.

A few years ago I had a falling out with the people I once considered to be my closest friends. It fucked me up pretty bad, I'm still not over it.

But last year I started leaving the house again. I'd been playing Riichi Mahjong online for years, and one day I just had the bright idea to check if there was any kind of local club near me to play in-person. There was, should've looked into this sooner.

I've met some pretty cool people through this game, and I'm starting to put myself back together at least a little. I can't say my mental health is totally healed, but I'm a little better than where I used to be.

Whatever interests you have, look into any kinds of local hobby groups or activities you can get involved with.

If there is volunteer work available to you and you are able bodied enough to participate then that is a great avenue for making friends with the side effect of improving your community. There is also political organizing but you mentioned you are very rural so this is probably unavailable to you. Being around others, not just to hangout, but to accomplish a shared goal is a great way to become friends without feeling out of place or forced. Hobbies that get you out of the house and require active participation between people are also great for this.

I have a dog. she counts on me, and I count on her. all other humans are meh..whatever. I know I can't depend on anyone so I don't bother. I've stopped trying because it does nothing but upset me constantly, so I've just closed the doors and opened the windows a crack for some air but otherwise..I don't even bother with humanity.

For the lighter stuff, you should check out VRChat. It’s a mess of a place, but it also has a bunch of people who are in your position, and finding community.

I know that’s a weird one, it’s not for everyone, and I don’t mean to make assumptions. If you’re on Lemmy, you probally already have an opinion about VR/all that.

I’m essentially in the same boat as you but I’m in my mid-30s and in Los Angeles. I don’t connect with people here anymore (now that I’m done partying and doing drugs all the time like I was in my 20s). It’s rough.

I tend to take some programming courses online as well as a Mandarin course with a tutor in China. Lately I’ve been looking for good places to study.

I border on loneliness quite often but I legitimately don’t really care for most people so I live with it.