No Stupid Questions

My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.

Gonna be real here this is straight up abuser language.

Yes. If you can't control it then you need to work on the first before hurting others.

Anger is absolutely a huge turn-off for me. As is all that 'tough-love' talk. If it’s not very explicitly explained to me, it comes across as just being an asshole. Even if it is explained, there's a good chance I'll be annoyed someone else decides they can 'teach me a lesson'if I'm not already intimately familisr with them. People assuming they know you well enough to redefine you is... Pretty rude, generally.

Yes. Especially if you are not even working on it and just say "that's how I am", because it implies a complete disregard for how your actions (actions, not feelings) affect other people.

It's exhausting to be around someone who is always angry. That doesn't mean there is nobody who would "like you for you" but it will limit your potential pool of friends a lot, yes.

Nobody's going to want to be around you if you're volatile and hurtful. And "I can't help it" is a thin excuse. These are things you absolutely could control, you just have to try.

You sound young. Get control of yourself and develop some empathy. And while you're at it, do something about your internalized misogyny. These two passages ought to create some cognitive dissonance for you:

Women also piss me off more than men do, so I hang out more with them because I feel like they get me and aren’t as bitchy.

I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]

Yeah, it's a turn off. Doesn't matter if it's friends, partners, work, whatever, if you're unstable, you aren't going to be welcome company.

It doesn't matter why, it doesn't even matter if you're justified. Nobody likes am asshole for long.

See, love is not magic. It isn't something that gives a person blanket immunity to assholery. To the contrary, if someone loves you, and you claim to love them, you should be giving them your best self, not relying on their love to just gloss over you being an asshole

It's like the whole concept of family being where you can just be yourself. Yeah, you can. Family is going to forgive a lot because you're family. But that doesn't mean you get to be an asshole and they're obligated to forgive you. It means that you give them the best of yourself, and they forgive your and love you when you fall.

If you're working on your anger issues, that's great. Good friends will stick by you. But that doesn't mean they have to put up with your shit. A good friend won't put up with your shit, they'll tell you you're being an asshole, to stop it, refuse to let you continue, and offer you help to get better. That's love, not pretending there isn't a problem.

You absolutely can gain some degree of control over your anger. Even obstacles like severe neurological issues don't prevent some control being gained.

But nobody, and I mean nobody, not your parents or anyone is obligated to put up with your shit and let you stay in their lives when you won't put in the minimum effort into improving.

Seeking help is definitely the way to go as others have pointed out.

If you don't care about others feeling hurt, well then just think about it rationally: you probably don't like getting hurt, so you can understand that they don't either and trying not to hurt others generally makes the world easier for everyone.

Now I would also say that aside of that, you should apologize to people you hurt. Not specifically expecting them to forgive you, but because it also logically makes more sense as it might make them feel less bad about your behaviour.

I would overall try to think about things more rationally than emotionally because it does look like your emotions are your main source of problem right now, and for example thinking that hurting people is going to make them improve is absurd.

And thinking rationally would let you realize what behaviors are not okay, and let you apologize/warn people about it even if you fail to control yourself. While people would still completely be entitled to distancing themselves from you if your behaviour hurts them, it might at least give them some insight that allows them to get less hurt. And once again, less hurt is generally positive.

its wierd you say you praise men but ignore women because they should be the best version of themselves. men shouldn't be the best version of themselves? I mean constantly angry is someone I would avoid and im a man. I can get quite angry but its more like the pearl jam jeremy song and likely at that point the person is way beyond the social contract.

Absolutely. After living 10 years with a person like you, leaving her was the best of my life and I should have done that sooner.

I have to add more, to be honest with you.

The reasons why she was bad for me where deeper than just the rage issue alone. That was probably the lesser issue, so don't be afraid.

But I strongly suggest that you start a serious and sincere path with a good phycologist as that has the potential to help you control and understand the issue.

Yourself, and the people who care about you, will thank you for that.

Don't over think and go for it.

Yes, if you are unkind to people many will not wish to be around you regardless of your reasons for it.

You’ll need to work to change your behavior if you want to avoid this. Many people have anger issues. It’s hard to control how you feel but you may have success in changing how you act when you feel this way.

Yes, anger problems are a turnoff for pretty much everyone but a handful of people with psychological problems.

You need to address your anger issues, because no one should be asked to ignore being abused regardless of your reasons for it. Until you fix you, it's unfair to expect others to deal with it.

Get therapy, because most of what you said in your post is very troubling and shows that you have a disconnect from reality

Sorry mate, but it sounds like you're absolutely in the wrong and need to work on your anger issues instead of waving your hand at people for not understanding you.

I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.

People acknowledge your reasons but it's no excuse for shouting or lashing out. You can try anger management or trying to keep your voice lower when you're mad, or at least apologizing when getting genuinely mad at someone.

Yeah. I'm sorry, but I don't even know you, and I already don't want to be around you.

You're right that people should accept you for being you, but they aren't obligated to put themselves in unpleasant situations.

Finding a way to control your emotions will help ALL of your relationships.

The anger I could work around, but saying "I can't control it" shows a lack of introspection that would be an instant giant red flag to run away, fast and far. Good luck, friend. We all deserve love.

While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]

Holy internalized misogyny, Batman!

This is truly wild and the exact opposite of what women actually need.

Who gets to define the best version of themselves? They don't get input on that? Only you? Only men?

Coupled with your previous post on narcissism where you said this:

I call my friends useless and horrible, and I really have no guilt/remorse or sympathy about that. I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.

It's not tough love. This is abusive language and behavior.

I understand getting frustrated with people if they've failed to make positive changes for themselves for a long time... but unless you're their partner who lives with them, most of it doesn't and shouldn't have a direct impact on your life. Meaning it's up to them to make choices for how they live and what they feel is comfortable. It's up to you to be their friend and respect their choices being different than yours. If you can't do that, you're not actually their friend. You're just a rude domineering person who thinks they know best for everyone else (Pro tip: you don't, actually).

"Tough love" almost never results in people suddenly respecting your opinion. No, if anything it makes them resent your opinion.

Even if it is a partner you live with. Guess what? It's healthier to just dump them and move on if you're so disappointed with them than trying to bully them into the person you want them to be. Try spending less time justifying your own actions with your reasoning and try spending more time considering their actions and their reasoning with intent to focus on charitable interpretations.

Look, I've had anger problems myself. The worst habit I picked up from my shitty parents was resorting to hurtful and abusive language when I've been pushed pushed pushed into anger. Even if the things I am saying have root in valid critiques of the people and the situation the abusive language does not help anything, ever, at all! I know this from experience. What you probably need is some therapy to help you find more healthy ways to express yourself and more healthy ways to help yourself disconnect from these situations as they do not impact you personally most of the time. (I can see a perpetually late friend impacting you, but that's small potatoes, get over it or stop being their friend: problem solved.) I promise you, therapy helps.

All you're doing is making people hate you.

it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.

Almost everyone who has anger issues or are abusive and doesn't think that's a problem, says a variation of that stupid line.

There's no such thing as "tough" love, it's just unnecessary aggression and anger wrapped in an excuse wielded by those who refuse to acknowledge their issues and work on them

If i simply said hi to someone and they screamed I HEARD YOU, I would literally think fine then I won't say hi again.

This is something called human nature. If you act like an ass to me then I will stop talking to you. The fact that you don't see that says not only do you have anger issues, I would ask if you are sociopathic or bipolar. You need serious help either way. Even if you aren't either of those you need to figure out how to fix this. You won't have many friends if you keep going this way.

You call it tough love but trust be very few people on the entire planet would call it anything other then being an asshole.

There is a way to help people without being a jerk about it.

To answer the question of : do people find it a turnoff?

Hell yes. Why would they find it any other thing then a turn off? People don't enjoy being treated that way.

You praise men and ignore women and you think that's ok. That's a serious disconnect from reality. Wanting women to improve themselves is good, but this is NOT the way to do it.

Again I would encourage you to get help.

I would highly reccomend talking to a therapist. It can be hard to find one that works for you, but give it a shot and try a few if one doesn't work. Therapy can be incredibly helpful and this is something that sounds like it's having a negative impact on your life.

Handling a human powder keg all the time is exhausting and extremely anxiety inducing. Your ex's and friends might love you just as much as you love them, but a relationship built on eggshells and arguments will never be healthy for either of you or last long term.

Yes. 110% a turn off. It sounds like you have a lot of issues and baggage you need to sort out and that is a massive red flag to me and I'd imagine it is for most people.

Making others unwilling participants in your personal issues is a sure-fire way to ensure none of your relationships last.