I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.
Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
HUGE CONFOUNDING VARIABLE
I am diagnosed with OCD,
That being said I still assert that the changes made are sevear enough that anyone would agree that two plans are not similar:
There was a time where I had no idea if I did or did not like any of these activities and wanted to find out if I did and it did not make sense to me to do these activities alone when I can ask friends to come with me because any friend can text me "why didn't you invite me I would have liked to come":
In summary:
me: "Hey let's do anything"
most of the friends I had: "Come to my apartment"
I know I'm not blowing this out of proportions. I'm alittle more sensitive then the average person and I can compensate for that but what do I do if my limits perclude me from doing things with friends.
inb4 "it sounds like your friends are lame" what are normal people such that they are not like the friends I've had??
It does not matter if you have OCD or not; these people seem to consistently not care about your suggestions. If I tell my friends, "I really wanna play Space Base," then we make it happen.
These people sound like the type who would not check up on you if you just suddenly stopped responding, and those are not friends. I would try to make new friends elsewhere... Sorry!
Apologies in advance if you are disabled, but if you can't stand for 40 minutes+ then I think the first thing to work on is your endurance. Even if it doesn't lead to more hang time with your friends, it will be rewarding for you and probably mitigate the chance of early death.
Incorrect: the very first thing to investigate is the shoes that @danhab99@programming.dev wears. Correct footwear is a game-changer in one's ability to stay on one's feet for hours. 40 min doesn't sound like just a standing issue, but rather that his insoles may not be contouring where his feet actually apply pressure. Some stores make custom insoles just for this purpose. There are also numerous shoe brands out there that look good but feel bad to wear. I would ask what brand of shoes he's wearing.
I bought these 3 weeks ago bc my therapist recommended, the Atrex insoles are also really nice. I've been walking better and maybe I can stand for >1 hr now ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Interesting, thanks, so New Balance 9060 + Aetrex insoles; I may follow suit myself! By the way, you dropped this:
\(to properly type out that emoticon in markdown, you must use\\\instead of\, since one alone will act as an "escape character" instead of a literal character to be printed).I am not disabled, there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to stand for 40 mins, or do 10 pushups, or lift myself over a wall, or carry someone my exact weight a distance of idk 60m???? Why shoudn't I beable to do these things?? Ok, thank you for helping me type this
Everything but that last one is within your reach. I weigh 180 pounds but there is no chance I could carry someone the same weight 60 meters, and I consider myself in decent shape.
I just did some work with a tool that weighs 70 pounds and i can barely lift it into a truck.
Thanks for the reference point, I weigh about the same so I guess I don't have to be able to carry a person