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All I heard of before is that lemmygrad is more "extreme" than hexbear? My instance defederates from lemmygrad, but federates with hexbear, I don't know the exact reason for this though.
I think it's the other way round. They share similiar politics but lemmygrad users don't have the same abrasive commenting style.
It's been a while since my instance was federated with either of them, but I remember grad being more extreme in their beliefs and hb being more... annoying. The hb folks did a ton of brigading and picking fights. Maybe they chilled out since then, but the .world threads were exhausting to read with hbs being assholes in every single one, including things that had absolutely nothing to do with politics.
I was in an instance that was like that, but since they even made a post justifying their stance on keeping the federation with hex, I just jumped ship.
Not having to deal with ml, grad and hex is so much better.
Huh yea that's kinda weird, but it's also fairly subjective or perhaps your instance admins "straw that broke the camels back" just happened to be coming from lemmygrad at the time. But still weird to defederate from one and not the other regardless of which one was first lol