Ask Lemmy

A fake 10 Denari coin with an invitation to a prayer group on the back

Some weed .

Labuubuu. What the crap is a baby gonna do with some frankincense anyway?

Maury was the fourth wise man.

Hey, let's keep it baby-appropriate. I'd bring him the entire DVD box set collection of Baby Einstein videos but they'd reject my offering because DVD players & electricity didn't exist back then, and they wouldn't understand the concept of vegetating while staring at a flat surface on the wall for hours ignoring all your bodily needs & ignoring all your chores & obligations & family & all human interaction.

Uranium-235.

I couldn't figure out what to give the kid. I mean, a king deserves only the best, and the King of Kings doubly so. But what you do get someone who literally has everything?! I mean, he made everything, well at least his dad did? I don't know.

So I'd been studying these earwigs that infest the graineries of my subjects and found this really cool one. The sculpting on its abdomen is just beautiful! So I named it after this kid and brought an amphoriskos of them with me to give to the little LORD.

When I knelt and placed the bottle in the kids manger, the mother just jumped up and snatched it, tossing it in a corner. She and the dad (lol) looked at me like I had grown a second head. I get that bugs aren't everyone's thing but they didn't even look at them! The next dung scarabs I find are getting named after his parents.

Vaccines.

Come on people, do you want the son of God to get whooping cough?!

(For the record, I'm in favour of science-based medical care, including vaccines. I shouldn't have to say that. What's the world coming to?)

A Glock and some ammo, got thrown out when I tried to demonstrate it, apparently I distrubed the peace...

I brought him a Camel, but apparently they were a Marlboro family.

A $10 charity donation in his name

a letter from the real father

Jacks, and a Lite Brite.

Guikt for the eventual damage done in his name.

I arrived well after the other wise men, sweating through my robes and wishing I’d taken a shorter route. I knelt beside the manger and laid out the lamb’s-wool scarf I’d meant to bring. It was soft, pure, perfect. Except the shearing accident had splattered it with dried blood. Mary stared. Joseph’s eyebrows climbed halfway to heaven.

“It’s prophetic symbolism,” I muttered. “You know… blood of the lamb?”

The silence was so heavy it felt like a fourth gift.

Panicking, I pulled a small winter squash from my pack and set it beside the scarf. “And this. For… later.”

The baby gurgled. I decided to take that as forgiveness.

Cut out... maybe I brought something inapropriate, something not fitting the narrative. I think I am bringing a blade, meant to show decisiveness. But on top of being a weapon it was roman made. ayyyyy

I had some marvelous time share options to offer but after 4 hours the rubes said they'd stick to the manger. Don't they know time shares practically pay for themselves? Smh

This little drummer boy who would just NOT stop playing

An extended car warranty. In 2000 years he'll thank me.

My mixtape

Common Sense.

A cross necklace.

Modern carpenter hand tool. Then maybe he'll become a world renowned carpenter instead of mingle with idiots that crucified him.

A .45 Colt 1911. Find out if it really is God's caliber.

Health insurance

Look, I had a lot going on, so I kind of stole some flowers from someone's yard on the way, but the other wise men caught me. It's bullshit!

Richard Dawkins “the God Delusion”

Numbing cream. I said it's a surprise tool that'll help him later, but no one bought it at the time. Little did they know he'd really need it at the end of his life

A copy of the anarchists cookbook.

Opium

Cyanide.

Food and water, and a plush bunny. Somehow I feel that they drew the line at the food and water.

Jesus was born in Texas. He needs a hamburger.

A circumcision? :3 feel free to delete my comment I just don't think it's thought about enough

A bible.

There weren't 3 wise men.