Asklemmy

Management isn't your friend, but managers are still people. The job is not the person. A good, nice, friendly person can have a job where their work interests aren't necessarily aligned with yours and still try to do what they can to see that your interests are met.

If they fire me, no manager is going to ask me how I'm holding up or what my plans for the future are

That's just not true. It's not universally untrue, but it's just wrong to default to such an antagonistic view from the outset.

All that to say: it sounds like you're mainly having difficulty reconciling your thoughts on how you behave towards people with how you behave towards management. If you replace job related words with words like "people" or "person" then the question gets a lot easier.

I had an argument with this person everyone likes and after thinking about it, it was mostly my fault we raised our voices. She raised her voice first but because I wasn't listening to her because she triggered me.

It's pretty obvious to me that you apologize. Then ask if they'd be open to a conversation about what you feel could have gone better.
"Hey, do you have a minute? Sorry about how I acted when we were talking the other day. I thought about it and realized that I hadn't been listening, which wasn't right of me and made things worse. Would you be open to discussing it now that we have a little distance from it? I'd like to explain myself a bit and share some related concerns that I had, if nows a good time."

They're a person. If you feel your wronged them, apologize. If you feel like you want to explain things and offer feedback, just make it clear this isn't a prerequisite for the apology or anything.

Admitting you were wrong in a situation (or opinion) is a very mature and strong skill to have. It also makes communication and relations much more honest. A lot of people never learn this.

So, if you know you were wrong. Sincerely apologize. Then stop! No complaining, no blaming. And especially no bitching about being triggered. Being triggered is on you, not her.

If the conversation is going well enough you might be able to explain yourself a bit for mutual understanding. But for now it is on you to make up for the breakdown in communication. You don't have to be her friend, but you are both adults and need to work together in at least a professional courtesy. Save any feedback for a later conversation and try to keep emotions out of it.

Good luck!

Before reading. If you have to ask, the answer is yes

Edit: My answer is still yes. Based on your title I thought you didn't work for the manager (a manager vs. my manager)

You respect them, you feel as though you disrespected them, and you want to maintain their respect. Apologize. Simple as that.

Where you need to be careful is the transactional nature of the apology. I.e. Maybe if you apologize then you can tell her what she did to piss you off. That's a bad play in any relationship.

You need to think about what that thing is and how it effects the way you do your job. Nuts and bolts. If it's something that improves the quality and efficiency of your work. Bring it up in a meeting. Otherwise, you aren't the boss. Suck it up and deal with it.

P.S. We aren't anti management. We are anti abuse. Based on your description, thid isn't an abusive relationship.

A lot of people need to be right all the time, even if it is to their own detriment. Therefore they would see apologising as losing.

Social cohesion is quite important and I believe something that is becoming a little undervalued. Especially in a workplace. While of course if is important to stick to your principles, it's not that important to be right in a lot of social situations.

Relationships aren't linear progression. Sometimes you move forward, sometimes you move backwards. Sometimes you can move forward by moving backwards. An apology rarely hurts in the grand scheme of things.

However I would think about what you're saying. And what I'm about to say carries the lack of context from not knowing any more than what you posted.

You weren't listening and it was mostly your fault (your words). She didn't trigger you. And telling her she triggered you will probably not go well. You reacted to her in a way you are now regretting. You need to take responsibility for that and that is likely what you are apologising for.

The conversation about things being fair, save it for later. Put a lot more thought into it.

Just explain yourself and your thoughts at the moment, trying to solve a problem is not making friends, is just about working in a better environment

You’re entering into these relationships with a lot of negativity. Please consider the person holding the position and approach the potential relationship with a positive, constructive mindset. You’d be surprised what can happen.

Regarding the apology, go for it, but I think it should include a promise to bring your better self forward if a difference of opinion comes up so it doesn’t devolve into an argument.

Regarding criticism of things the manager does: hard no. That’s not your place and IMO no good can come of it. Just put it right out of your mind.

Caveat: I don't know you or your manager, so your experience may be very different.

But as someone who has ended up in management in three previous roles (not currently) your post brought two thoughts to my mind:

1. For me, I'd far rather people in my team came to me and were open about things. Don't bottle it up and hope that they'll somehow guess - they won't. They're not psychic and they've probably got 101 other things to worry about. Think of it like this: Could you do your job if nobody was ever honest with you about you previous days performance.

2. If you're tempted to default to thinking of line manager's as the enemy, consider that in most cases they are just trying to do their best while shouldering 10x the shit from their manager than is making it through to you.

Not saying there aren't bad and/or narcissistic managers about, but I suspect most of the time they only appear that way due to the screws in their back from above.

I try to maintain good work relationships with managers because I want things to go easy for me. My time off requests, my ability to be promoted or transfer, the daily workload and its division, my ability to advocate for what I think is best- all of these are at the discretion of the manager regardless of my beliefs. When there's no target on my back and I'm seen as a team player, the job is predictable and not unnecessarily difficult.

For that reason I'd apologise and explain the situation. Work smarter, not harder. You're making your job more difficult if she dislikes you and your coworkers like her.

A simple sorry will probably work but it's up to you if you want to explain yourself to her.

Sounds like they wouldn't hesitate to apologize, if it wasn't to a manager. But it seems, in this case, it doesn't matter wether she is a manager. Not apologizing would not further class struggle nor raise class consciousness in any way. Apologizing doesn't cost anything else either. On the contrary, they want to do it. She probably needs to hear it. It's good for the emotional health of anyone involved, including the one apologizing.

I say this, not despite being a Marxist Leninist, but precisely because I'm ML: capitalist, worker, manager and (dare I say it) even cop. Those are all just roles people take on. The roles can change, but we're all still humans underneath. You can love your enemy and still fight them, when necessary. But if it doesn't serve a purpose and even makes you feel bad, why bother being mean?

The Nazi and fascist theorist Carl Schmidt (who's still very influential) viewed politics solely in terms of friend and enemy. And being an enemy to him is meant existential, personal and eternal. He wouldn't have apologized. Marxists know, that class is not about who you are as a person, but about the social role one occupies. We can distinguish between interpersonal conflicts and class struggle. The true enemy is the class relation itself.

Less is more. You don't have to be everyone's friend.