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should I apologize to this friendly manager I had an argument with? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 1 day ago by ricesoup@lemmy.ml to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

17 comments fedilink hide all child comments

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/36766269

I know lemmy is titled to the left, so most probable answer is going to be no, managers are our enemy, but hear me out.

I always thought like this: I'm there to work and earn money, not to make friends, not to fake a friendship with any manager. If they fire me, no manager is going to ask me how I'm holding up or what my plans for the future are. What may look like a friendship is all fake.

There is, however, a manager where I work at that everybody agrees she is friendly and goes the extra mile to help employees. When I say everybody I mean that literally, none of the coworkers I asked said anything remotely bad about this person. At my company there are other managers everybody agrees are narcissistic morons and everyone hates them.

I had an argument with this manager everyone likes and after thinking about it, it was mostly my fault we raised our voices. She raised her voice first but because I wasn't listening to her because she triggered me.

I feel bad about it and I can't believe I'm writing this, but I'd like to have a private conversation with her to apologize and explain why she triggered me. She also does typical things any manager does that I find very unfair that I want to explain so she maybe stops it.

Is being honest and having such a conversation a stupid idea?

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[–] wuphysics87@lemmy.ml 10 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 20 hours ago) (1 children)

Before reading. If you have to ask, the answer is yes

Edit: My answer is still yes. Based on your title I thought you didn't work for the manager (a manager vs. my manager)

You respect them, you feel as though you disrespected them, and you want to maintain their respect. Apologize. Simple as that.

Where you need to be careful is the transactional nature of the apology. I.e. Maybe if you apologize then you can tell her what she did to piss you off. That's a bad play in any relationship.

You need to think about what that thing is and how it effects the way you do your job. Nuts and bolts. If it's something that improves the quality and efficiency of your work. Bring it up in a meeting. Otherwise, you aren't the boss. Suck it up and deal with it.

P.S. We aren't anti management. We are anti abuse. Based on your description, thid isn't an abusive relationship.

[–] ricesoup@lemmy.ml 1 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

Where you need to be careful is the transactional nature of the apology. I.e. Maybe if you apologize then you can tell her what she did to piss you off. That’s a bad play in any relationship.

I'm sorry, I don't understand this paragraph. You mean I CANNOT tell her what she did to piss me off?

That’s a bad play in any relationship.

I don't agree: If I want to clear the air it cannot be one sided, the context has to be considered as well. If the context is not considered then the problem festers, the apology becomes useless.

The context in this case means what made me react like I did, which would be not listening to her.

[–] wuphysics87@lemmy.ml 5 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

I'm not saying you can't. I'm saying an apology shouldn't be a quid pro quo. It might be that a conversation leads to why you were upset in the first place, but if you are sincere it shouldn't be part of your consideration.

[–] ricecake@sh.itjust.works 2 points 4 hours ago

Exactly. If you're apologizing, apologize. There's nothing wrong with also asking to have a conversation about what caused the conflict.

"I'm sorry" and "can we talk about what happened?” are both valid, but ultimately aren't dependent on each other.