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should I apologize to this friendly manager I had an argument with? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 1 day ago by ricesoup@lemmy.ml to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

17 comments fedilink hide all child comments

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/36766269

I know lemmy is titled to the left, so most probable answer is going to be no, managers are our enemy, but hear me out.

I always thought like this: I'm there to work and earn money, not to make friends, not to fake a friendship with any manager. If they fire me, no manager is going to ask me how I'm holding up or what my plans for the future are. What may look like a friendship is all fake.

There is, however, a manager where I work at that everybody agrees she is friendly and goes the extra mile to help employees. When I say everybody I mean that literally, none of the coworkers I asked said anything remotely bad about this person. At my company there are other managers everybody agrees are narcissistic morons and everyone hates them.

I had an argument with this manager everyone likes and after thinking about it, it was mostly my fault we raised our voices. She raised her voice first but because I wasn't listening to her because she triggered me.

I feel bad about it and I can't believe I'm writing this, but I'd like to have a private conversation with her to apologize and explain why she triggered me. She also does typical things any manager does that I find very unfair that I want to explain so she maybe stops it.

Is being honest and having such a conversation a stupid idea?

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[–] ricecake@sh.itjust.works 5 points 23 hours ago

Management isn't your friend, but managers are still people. The job is not the person. A good, nice, friendly person can have a job where their work interests aren't necessarily aligned with yours and still try to do what they can to see that your interests are met.

If they fire me, no manager is going to ask me how I'm holding up or what my plans for the future are

That's just not true. It's not universally untrue, but it's just wrong to default to such an antagonistic view from the outset.

All that to say: it sounds like you're mainly having difficulty reconciling your thoughts on how you behave towards people with how you behave towards management. If you replace job related words with words like "people" or "person" then the question gets a lot easier.

I had an argument with this person everyone likes and after thinking about it, it was mostly my fault we raised our voices. She raised her voice first but because I wasn't listening to her because she triggered me.

It's pretty obvious to me that you apologize. Then ask if they'd be open to a conversation about what you feel could have gone better.
"Hey, do you have a minute? Sorry about how I acted when we were talking the other day. I thought about it and realized that I hadn't been listening, which wasn't right of me and made things worse. Would you be open to discussing it now that we have a little distance from it? I'd like to explain myself a bit and share some related concerns that I had, if nows a good time."

They're a person. If you feel your wronged them, apologize. If you feel like you want to explain things and offer feedback, just make it clear this isn't a prerequisite for the apology or anything.