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When considering dating trans/NB folks, what is the best way to ask about their genital configuration, gender identity, and future planned trajectory?
In other words, I have a strong preference for female genitalia. I also strongly prefer limited or no body hair (shaved is fine). There is a set of tomboy/androgyny/boi that is my type. Is there a polite way to ask about this?
Honestly I am not sure there is a particularly perfect way to raise genital preference, but it is good to be transparent and honest about your preferences, it might be good to raise early and in a context where you are opening the floor to understanding their needs and preferences too, esp. around any dyphoria they might experience and what their needs are.
The majority of trans folks are pre- or non-op, so it's best not to assume anything about their genitals, and if you have preferences it's even more important to communicate about.
For transmasc folks you might need to examine your preferences and the extent to which female gentials make you see men as women (just like when men really enjoy penises on trans women), and just be honest with yourself and your partner, and be careful not to invalidate someone's gender.
Tbh, this isn't that far from talking about hair and sexual preferences with cis people, it's just good to be sensitive because being misgendered can be really dehumanizing.
That's pretty much what I figured. Wish trans folks had something like the old school hanky code.
As far as my preferences go, I was in a triad for a while with an NB. If I were stuck on a desert island and had to pick between a vanilla woman or a sub boy, I'm picking the boy. However, like I said, I have a strong preference for female genitalia. The whole tomboy/NB thing is the sweetspot for me in this spectrum.
I also have smell preferences. MtF, many NB, and cis women smell much more attractive to me. I imagine it's related to test levels. I don't find heavily transitioned FtM very attractive. There's an androgynous smell that's kind of like fallen leaves that I really like.
Not trying to fetishize here, but thought the perspective might be interesting. I'm very masculine and fall somewhere between a wolf or bear.
there might be like hanky codes, but I just might be the wrong girl to ask, I'm the over-committed lesbian trope, have had a single monogamous relationship for over a decade 😅
If I were single, I wouldn't be interested in dating or actively seeking out a relationship.
For trans women who haven't or don't intend to get bottom surgery: What is the line between a man who just happens to enjoy a good penis and likes yours, vs someone who is fetishizing it? I have never pursued a trans woman (to my knowledge), but as a dude who thinks some cocks are nice regardless of who they're on, I always wondered how you approach that approvingly without seeming objectifying.
Another consideration is how the penis is related to in terms of your gender, if a guy is into the woman because she has a penis, does he see her penis as a woman's genital, or is it still male?
One way to explore this is to ask how you would feel if the penis were not used for penetration, not even used erect - would you still be attracted to her if her penis remained flaccid and was stimulated more like a clit?
If you want her primarily to take a "masculine role" in bed, and you primarily want her penis to function like a man's penis, the appeal might be motivated from a place that on some level still thinks of her and her genitals as male.
Sometimes it's just about the novelty and taboo, which are frequent objects of sexual desire (think of how popular incest porn is, etc.). Sometimes it's about a repressed bi- or homo-sexuality, where the woman with male genitals becomes an ideal basis for fulfilling some of that forbidden desire.
Simply seeing the gentials as male is probably common, and on its own isn't the biggest crime, but if that translates to not seeing and treating her as a woman I think that can be really problematic.
The issue of objectification is separate, and I would even argue some objectification can be desirable in sex (or at least aiming to never objectify does not seem like an absolute ideal), we sometimes wish to be sexual objects (whether that's healthy or not) - but we rarely wish to be seen as men.
My only question is why? Why go through all that stuff to “become” someone when you can just “be” who you already are?
I mean, almost nobody is happy with the body they’ve grown, but most of us just accept it and go on with life. What is the reason for drastic changes like taking hormones and getting surgery and needing other people’s validation?
I hope this isn’t seen as transphobic, I’m happy to accept anyone, I just really don’t understand the drasticness of it.
Because that body was so unpleasant I was considering suicide. There was a wrongness pervading every aspect of my life. And I've long liked the term "hormonal dysphoria" to describe how in some trans people such as myself the mere act of having the wrong sex hormone dominance essentially has very similar symptoms to major depression.
I tried plenty else first. I attempted to man up, I grew a beard and got somewhat strong. I tried being an effeminate man and cross dressing for a bit. I tried religion. When I transitioned there were still old trans people giving the old advice, to wait to transition until the only alternative was suicide. I hit that point at 19 and began hormones at 20, but in a more accepting world I'd've probably accepted myself at 16.
Re: "wrongness" and "accepting yourself", how much do you think it has to do with how society/others regard the identity you present? I.e. how much do you think the path you've taken is an internal development vs a response to society?
In order to describe what I'm thinking: Today, you've found a place/role within society where you're more comfortable than the places/roles you've taken in the past. However, a completely different culture/society would have had different available "options".
Sorry if I'm being way too abstract/hypothetical. Even as a "more conventional normal person", I've long wondered how different I might be had I grown up in a completely different society.
I think about bits of it somewhat often as well as the global history of Trans identities is complex and because as a feminist I maintain criticisms of our society's expectations on gender. But at the same time, I've experimented and messed with the social roles relating to gender since I was young. So when I look at groups like the hijra and two spirits I can see that in those cultures I might've fit in those genders. But ultimately, it's a thought experiment. My culture and I shape each other, and as much as I challenge it i am also bound by it as my place of understanding of the self.
But at the same time, the body wrongness that's hard to see as anything other than innate. I remember having phantom breasts as a teenager. I remember being uncomfortable having a penis as a very young child. I do not believe there is a world in which I could be happy with a testosterone dominant body without serious neurological differences. I think in a time period where no form of estrogen was available I could have managed with mere removal of testosterone, but it would not have been thriving.
It can be really hard to understand why trans people transition - the answers are complicated and involve explanations of the neurobiology of sex and gender.
One way to help you understand is to imagine or even try out being in the wrong sex yourself - if you are male, imagine you were born a woman, they named you Sue and expect you to date boys, play with dolls, dress in frilly skirts and dresses, and so on. Why can't you just be Sue authentically? Why bother with horomones and social transition?
When it feels wrong to be in the wrong sex, it is due to how your brain developed as a fetus, and you can't help that the wrong sex hormones make you depressed and anxious, you can't help that your body feels completely wrong, you can't help that the only known solutions to the suffering is to take the right hormones, to fix the body and to live as your actual gender. Cis people don't have to go through that struggle, so it's harder for them to understand what it's like to be trans. It makes complete sense you would have difficulty understanding, even as a trans person I struggled to recognize I experienced gender dysphoria or that I needed to transition - it was not obvious at the time.
And if the thought doesn't bother you, you might be actually agender or genderfluid or something. I probably am agender for this reason, although I live as a cisman.
Thats such a good way of explaining it so people understand, Ill start using that example
Edit: to clarify in case there is confusion, im not trans, just like the explanation and will use it in future
Many people go out of their way to transform their bodies, from diet and exercise to drugs and surgery. My question is why not? It's your flesh puppet; decorate it how you like.
I wouldn't characterize transition as decorating your flesh puppet in the same way that cis people do when dieting and plastic surgery ... not that transition doesn't involve those things, but there is a clinical basis of transition that is not there when just pursuing beauty. This is why your boob job may be covered when trans, but not when cis.
For me at least, there's a pretty significant difference between being in a body i find revolting versus one I don't. I wanted to live my life as someone I could tolerate, who didn't make me feel disgusting.
I'm not underselling it, dysphoria is repulsive. I felt like a freak, I felt wrong. I just did whatever I had to do to fix that. Validation wasn't something I sought as much, it's certainly nice to be recognized but I transitioned for me first and foremost.
tbh even before hormones were changing my body, they drastically altered my mind and alleviated my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation within a few months ... while the dysphoria I feel about my body is severe sometimes, it's much easier for me to live with than having testosterone dominance in my body and its impact on my mind
This is what I didn't understand about transition before, that it can have these kinds of medical consequences. I thought of being trans more as a social thing, and that never seemed worth prioritizing. I had no idea the wrong sex hormones can cause depression and other mental symptoms (and not just those symptoms caused from being sad because body looks and feels wrong, I mean the sex hormones directly impact the brain and cause the symptoms).
Where do you find the energy to just be alive in 2025? Things weren’t great for you before but now the reds are out for blood over being told to mind their own damn business. You people are going to be first in line for the next round of gas chambers if the Nazis get their way.
And yet you persevere.
Just, fucking how?
I had to leave my home and family behind in a conservative state to seek safety in a liberal state with trans protections on the books. I'm still unpacking boxes and wondering how soon I will need to flee the country ... It's like rock climbing, everything is dangerous and you just keep laser focused on what is right in front of you. The stress keeps you in a state of momentum and can distract you and give you a sense of agency. When there are gaps when I can lose my focus, I break down. It's overwhelming, but there is no alternative - you don't choose to be trans.
This year has sucked but I've been keeping my shit together at least.
in-person non-electoral organizing keeps me sane
Spite.
I mean, the suicide rate is pretty high, relative to cisnormies.
survivorship bias is real
love for my peers and allies, and spite for my enemies. i am made of iron. i will persevere. i will prevail.
Every alternative is worse.
Don't you think transitioning reaffirms gender roles and stereotypes? I'm probably missing something, but why isn't being a really effeminate man enough, that there's the need to take hormones and change your pronouns?
Don't you think transitioning reaffirms gender roles and stereotypes?
No, because transitioning at all requires massive amounts of gender transgression that trans people are often severely punished, or even killed for.
I also don’t think it’s correct to blame societal problems (like sexist gender roles and stereotypes) on individuals. If it’s the individual’s responsibility to dismantle gender roles and stereotypes every single day in the way they dress and interact with society, are you doing it? If not, why do trans people carry a higher burden than you?
This also presupposes that trans people all become gender conforming upon transition, when in fact many trans people are also queer and/or gender nonconforming on top of being trans.
I'm probably missing something, but why isn't being a really effeminate man enough, that there's the need to take hormones and change your pronouns?
I’m a trans man and not a trans woman, but let’s pretend that says butch woman instead of effeminate man. So why couldn’t I be a butch woman? Because I wasn’t one. Seriously, people did not know what sexuality box to put me in before I transitioned. I clearly wasn’t a straight woman (no makeup, a mix of teen boy clothes and some feminine tops) and I was too feminine to be a butch lesbian, but not feminine enough to be a lipstick lesbian. And I don’t say this to mean ‘nobody accepted me in the lesbian community and I had to transition to fix it,’ because I never got any shit from other queer people over it. (And I’m not attracted to women regardless.)
So, socially not transitioning wouldn’t have made me any less gender-confusing to other people. And on the personal level, I needed HRT because periods made me suicidal, all the effects of T make me happy, and it’s my body and I get to do what I want with it. Male pronouns also feel more natural to me than female, so I see no reason to not use them.
I basically believed this most of my life, and it was a big part of why I never transitioned. I felt it was offensive to women for me to claim to be one. Even once I transitioned, I had a really hard time using makeup because I felt like a traitor.
Ultimately, I found reading Julia Serano really helpful. I learned that my fear of embodying feminine stereotypes was more about not wanting to appear feminine (even as a woman), and that ultimately this was more about an entrenched anti-femininity perspective than anything like feminism. I learned that makeup is pragmatic and useful, a way for me to alleviate dysphoria, to help me cope, and that I am not a "traitor" for using it. Being pretty and feminine is important to me, as a woman, and it's not surprising other women want to be pretty and feminine too. They shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be that way, even if women should not feel obligated to only be one kind of hyper-feminine woman.
Regarding being an effeminate man: I have had conservatives tell me this, that I need to just live as a really effeminate man. I just don't know what to tell you, being a man is not right. When I first transitioned, I didn't care as much about the social elements. It turned out testosterone was ruining my mental health - I had severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation - all of which cleared up quickly after blocking the production of testosterone and getting on estrogen. Estrogen consistently makes me feel high, it's better than opiates. Not every trans person is this way, but a lot of us are. It's called "biochemical dysphoria". In a way, I would have been willing to settle for having an orchi and living as a eunuch with estrogen supplementation - it would be a lie to say I was a man, and I would know that, but if I could have estrogen and live without testosterone in my body, that is most important to me. Living as a woman has always been important to me, but I never thought I could - that was a dream too far, in a sense. It felt like how I should have been born, but since I wasn't, I resigned myself to living as a man. That estrogen will make me look like a woman and i am able to live and be a woman now is like going to heaven, it's a dream I never thought I would live.
So, tl;dr I have to take hormones because I was born with a condition where my brain can't handle testosterone, and I would have probably killed myself, and generally I lived a very low quality of life before HRT. I was a burden to those around me, and I transitioned for my health and to be a functioning person in society.
I think we all live within the language of gender, and trans women who have lived as men and are insecure in their womanhood often lean heavily into feminine roles as a compensation. I did this even before I transitioned, but it didn't feel like I was contributing to a stereotype of women as a man - I was "gender non-conforming" then. But as a woman the very same behaviors become stereotypical. I like to cook, sew, bake, etc. and those were comforts to me before I transitioned, but are also important to me now. If anything, once I transitioned I felt more freedom to stop clinging to more stereotypical roles, and the more I can validate my womanhood, the more freedom I feel within my womanhood. Either way, I tend to make an exception for myself when it comes to being stereotypical - I figured being trans is rough enough, I can't solve patriarchy all by myself, and it's not up to me as an individual to overcome such huge social and structural problems. I like being feminine, and I am lucky enough to enjoy it now, so I will. If anything, I've learned to stop judging other women for when they are feminine, as a whole I have become more embracing of women as a result of transition.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I understand it better now.
Femininity has nothing to do with my own experience of gender. I wasn't feminine before I transitioned, I'm not feminine afterwards.
My very existence challenges gender stereotypes, and I wouldn't have it any other way
Since middle school and throughout high school and college I got progressively more and more depressed due to repressed gender dysphoria, and starting HRT has almost immediately started reversing that. I had always been outspoken about how gender roles were stupid and never cared about using "women's" things (like I shared my mom's hair products and stuff), but none of that changed the fact that I was extremely uncomfortable in my body, and being perceived as a man was something to avoid as much as possible. If people made jokes like "that's how you know you aren't a woman haha" I would always fight back against that, but being compared to women felt like more of a compliment.
Plus imo anything a trans person does that could "reaffirm stereotypes" wouldn't do that more than any cis person doing it. I've heard similar things from some cis feminists, where they felt that if they did something stereotypically "girly" it would be hypocritical of them, until realizing that the entire point was that you should be able to do those things if it makes you happy. Avoiding stereotypes can reinforce them just as much as doing them, since then it makes the people claiming the stereotypes as universally true seem like they have a view worth changing yourself for.
Questions mostly directed to FtM if possible:
I'm non-binary/transmasc, would I qualify for top surgery/sterilization as is or do I have to fully commit to HRT? Who do I even talk to about this? Will I get resistance from medical professionals?
Unfortunately, I live in the US and my health insurance is UHC. Do I have a snowballs chance in hell of getting gender affirming care covered by them?
Do you have dysphoria hoodies suitable for hot weather? If so, where can I get them?
Are puppygirls more of a local thing, or a worldwide thing? And what are the criteria for being one? Does it have significant crossover with the pup/petplay community?
As far as I know, pup/petplay is an outgrowth of queer male leather with leather pups being the prototype. Ponyplay has similar roots, probably a little more tradionally het. A fair amount of it, especially in porn, is just female submissive cishet roleplay. There is also overlap with furries.
It is relatively common in the straight-ish kink and leather communties in the US. There are leather pups all over gay leather. I can't speak to the lesbian communties.
If you're in the US, get involved with your local bdsm/kink community. Saw a girl come out as a hu-cow for the first time at a recent event.
not sure I can speak to this, not really directly related to trans folks either