this post was submitted on 21 Apr 2025
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Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem fell victim to a thief while eating dinner at a downtown Washington, DC, restaurant Sunday night, two sources familiar with the incident, including a law enforcement source, told CNN.

The Secret Service, which provides security for Noem, reviewed security camera footage at the restaurant and saw an unknown white male wearing a medical mask steal her bag and leave the restaurant.

The thief got away with Noem’s driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, passport, DHS access badge, makeup bag, blank checks, and about $3,000 in cash, the law enforcement source said.

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[–] MintyFresh@lemmy.world 11 points 1 day ago

From what I've heard about the secret service they were probably at the bar getting plastered. The thief probably had no idea who she was. Or....

This was an arranged dead drop to pass Intel off to Russia. This way the narrative is she was robbed, not just giving a package to some rando. No evidence to back that up, just wild internet speculation for your Tuesday morning.

[–] Stamau123@lemmy.world 132 points 2 days ago (2 children)
[–] lemmy_user_838586@lemmy.world 118 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Also, according to our own laws, she was doing something unlawful because why would she need $3,000 in cash?! They'd civil forfeiture that shit if a normal person got caught with that much cash on them.

Sounds like it was taken via citizen’s civil forfeiture 😊

[–] shertson@lemmy.world 28 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Yeah, when I served on a jury, the prosecutor was very clear that the only reason someone carried more than $100 in cash was for drugs or other illicit dealings.

[–] CosmicTurtle0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 12 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Hope you voted to acquit.

Edit: ducking autocorrect.

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She runs the Department of Homeland Security, not Restaurantland Security.

[–] RowRowRowYourBot@sh.itjust.works 107 points 2 days ago (2 children)

$3k in cash? Her coke habit is expensive

[–] AcidicBasicGlitch@lemm.ee 45 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Seriously, who tf carries that much cash and is a govt employee without being up to something very sheisty

[–] dumbluck@midwest.social 24 points 2 days ago

She hasn't had a chance to deposit that bribe yet. After all, she had just received it there in the restaurant.

[–] futatorius@lemm.ee 6 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

It's a definite warning sign when a person has that much ready cash on them.

[–] RowRowRowYourBot@sh.itjust.works 5 points 1 day ago (1 children)

i cannot think of why someone one at her level of government would need to hold $3000 on them

[–] qarbone@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago (2 children)

I can't imagine why anyone, in this day and age, would have that much cash on them unless they're directly going to buy something or just sold something.

Even then she’s a cabinet secretary someone else should hold onto the cash unless no one else can know about it

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[–] frustrated_phagocytosis@fedia.io 99 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I thought using cash like that was a sign of criminality?Or does that only apply to minorities? You better believe any cop out there would confiscate that shit from any of us faster than you can say civil asset forfeiture. It was certainly a point of contention for Fanni Willis during the Trump trial.

[–] Raiderkev@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I carry cash often because I play poker on the weekends as a hobby. It's funny how stigmatized paying cash for anything over $100 has become. People are always surprised to see it, and you definitely catch some judgemental looks.

[–] BeardedGingerWonder@feddit.uk 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Really? I don't do it a ton because I don't really like carrying cash, but I can't think of a time when someone's looked at me weird, my dealer practically insists on it and the local tradesmen all seem to like it so much they give me a discount.

[–] Baguette@lemm.ee 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I carry cash in small amounts because some restaurants prefer cash to avoid the credit card fee

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[–] Chozo@fedia.io 47 points 2 days ago (1 children)

She has a Secret Service detail, and still managed to get robbed? I hope she feels real safe going out in public knowing that they can't even protect her purse.

[–] BeardedGingerWonder@feddit.uk 4 points 2 days ago

Cojones on that thief though...

[–] Litebit@lemmy.world 59 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (11 children)

Looks like drop off of state secrets to russian agent made to look like a theft. What better way than in plain sight and blame it on a thief.

[–] MadMadBunny@lemmy.ca 4 points 2 days ago

Immediately thought of that. Drop off bribe.

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[–] SeaJ@lemm.ee 53 points 2 days ago (9 children)

Why was she carrying around $3k? Nothing illegal about that but that is a little curious.

[–] blakenong@lemmings.world 27 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] RowRowRowYourBot@sh.itjust.works 24 points 2 days ago (3 children)

That’s where your mind goes?

It’s for coke

[–] blakenong@lemmings.world 14 points 2 days ago

That sounds more likely.

[–] dumbluck@midwest.social 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

They aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe it's a bribe she received that she planned to spend on coke?

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[–] MeekerThanBeaker@lemmy.world 21 points 2 days ago (2 children)

She claims she took out that money to celebrate Easter with family... for dinner, activities, and gifts.

I use a credit card for such things, but yeah.

[–] AcidicBasicGlitch@lemm.ee 13 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I guess in her defense, if you're involved in the destruction of the U.S. economy, you never know when the economy might collapse and credit cards will no longer be accepted.

Still, you would think she would just carry around bars of solid gold or something.

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[–] BakerBagel@midwest.social 10 points 2 days ago

It's illegal if the cop who finds it on you says it's illegal.

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[–] SlyCooperKing@quokk.au 31 points 2 days ago

Damn. They just eating these opsec L’s

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 16 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Boy, she had a good night, that’s probably six guys.

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[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 36 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Incoming federal ban on n95s

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[–] NauticalNoodle@lemmy.ml 12 points 2 days ago

I've got $5 that says she just misplaced it.

[–] Jaysyn@lemmy.world 24 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Good. She fascist trash & there literally aren't enough bad things in the world that can happen to her.

[–] CallateCoyote@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago

A puppy killer too let's never forget. About as comic book villain as one can get.

[–] mhague@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

I didn't see a video. I'm going to assume Noem pocketed the cash and there's no "man in the medical mask."

[–] Zippygutterslug@lemmy.world 21 points 2 days ago

Lmfao what a fucking loser

[–] HorikBrun@kbin.earth 19 points 2 days ago

I give up trying to write satire. You just can't beat the real thing.

[–] Gregg@lemm.ee 17 points 2 days ago

Medication? Sounds like someone needs to attend a wellness farm to remove themselves from the teat of BiG pHaRmA

[–] AmidFuror@fedia.io 16 points 2 days ago (1 children)

The makeup alone has to weigh a ton. Strong thief.

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[–] Wazowski@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago

Good. Just a shame she didn’t choke to death, slowly.

[–] griff@lemmings.world 6 points 2 days ago

Kripi Gnoem is insecure in her deeply-beloved homeland!!!

[–] Today@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

I hope they donate it to an animal shelter

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