Asklemmy

I too, am a straight male. It's actually pretty easy.

It might be a bit of a faux pas when addressing someone as he/him when they prefer something else. Simply, if the mistake is made, they'll correct your assumption (I'm sure they get it all the time, it's not that big of a deal), and tell you their pronouns. Then it's your task, socially, to respect their wish to be referred to by their pronouns. It might seem awkward to refer to someone directly as "they" or "them", but it is grammatically correct, it just sounds awkward to our brains because it's so rarely used as a singular direct pronoun.... direct in the way that you're talking to, or in the presence of that person... but it's perfectly fine and preferred by your friend/colleague/acquaintance or whatever.

For yourself, if you're commonly and most comfortably referred to as he/him, then you have two options: 1. ignore it, and people will assume, or 2. put "he/him" in things like your bio/email signature/about me pages and leave it at that. It doesn't require qualification or context, like "my pronouns are" or something like that, just "he/him" alone in your bio is enough to let people know what you are comfortable with.

Personally, I don't do anything, I let people assume, because I'm unbothered if someone refers to me as he/him/she/her/they/them. All pronouns for me are fine. I'm most commonly referred to as he/him because it's the historically "correct" pronouns, but pronouns are more or less irrelevant to me.

And yes, people do, in fact, prefer they/them. I've met a few, and it feels awkward at first to say "they"/"them", but you get used to it.

People who actually care about pronouns will tell you theirs.

Honestly, I think that if I would say "my pronouns are he/him", people would think that's a weird thing to say and would think something like "oh, it's one of those woke people".

Where I live, the people that tell you about their pronouns are a minority, and they are usually people that need to tell you their pronouns to avoid confusion, or people that are particularly active in the "woke" community.

For 99% of the people you meet, it's fair to assume pronouns because it's obvious. And if your assumption was wrong, they can just tell you. No need to get butthurt over it.

Saying "my pronouns are..." without anyone asking for them is just ridiculous in my opinion. Like, what are people going to say 5 years from now? "My name is ...., my pronouns are ..., my ethnicity is ..., I live in ... and my favorite color is ...."?

What a dumb way to start a conversation. You know, the whole point of a conversation is that you ask and answer questions, or share things you like to share. We don't need to share everything in the introduction sentence, including pronouns. It's just pointless most of the time.

To be clear: if anyone wants to tell me their pronouns right away, all good, I won't dislike you for it. Just don't expect the same from me, just assume my pronouns and I'll be happy to correct you on the off chance that you're wrong.

Cis allies usually put pronouns in their bios to show support and normalize the act itself of specifying then online. IRL since you are cis and I asume you look masculine there is no need to specify your pronouns.

Just whenever you meet someone and they tell you to talk to them in a specific way, just do it and respect their pronouns. Its easy. Most people dont care if you get it wrong the first times as long as you acknowledge your mistake and correct yourself, your brain will get used to it and you will not make the mistake later. That's the different between someone who is learning and an idiot purposefully misgendering someone.

BTW if you arent sure about someone elses pronouns, just ask them. Easy.

Pronouns are just your preference for what you should be referred to. If you don't provide them people will assume. The logic is that if only people who want to use specific pronouns suggest them, you are essentially outing yourself so even if you associate with your birth pronouns, it's polite to present them so it's less awkward for others.

The actual use is more awkward. The expected use is that you use it when the person in question is discussed but a pronoun isn't really used unless that person is not around so again it seems to just be a polite way to present yourself.

For added context a good use case of announcing pronouns would be a research paper where someone would be described to another person Edit: Ive been made aware about another obvious use case. Talking to people online where you might not have a way to identify any other way

I think at some point language as a whole will shift. Most languages have had a concept of masculine/feminine and differentiating between genders for most if not all of their history. This seems pretty weird as a concept in modern times since it serves no real benefit. If we were to develop a language from scratch today I don’t think it would have such features.

Its going to take a pretty long time (hundreds of years) but language is constantly evolving. I think it will get there. In the meantime things are going to remain at least a little confusing.

I have a few transgender friends and its still a bit if a mental hurdle to see them as who they want to be identified as sometimes. I sometimes slip up and will call them by their old name or use the wrong pronoun. It’s never intentional of course, but sometimes my mental auto-correct isn’t working at full capacity. If I meet the person post-transition then its never really a problem as I always see them as that gender.

Are my pronouns he/him?

Probably. Your pronouns are what you want them to be. If someone says "I saw shapis at the park yesterday, but he looked busy so I didn't say hi to him," are he and him what you want in those positions?

(I'm going to assume you're a he/him for the rest of this, but if you want something else let me know and I'll edit the post.)

Is that how I should tell people?

Yeah, you'd say "my pronouns are he/him."

Do you actually tell them as you meet them? Do I have to wait for a certain social cue?

In person, it comes up in group meetings where people are making an effort to be inclusive, typically gender diverse or far left crowds. Someone will mention it, or people will just start doing it. You don't have to be the first person to start adding pronouns. But if you're in a crowd with someone you know would appreciate it, it'd be nice to start it on your own (without singling them out).

The most awkward option is that you introduce yourself without pronouns, then it goes around the room and people start; in that case just pipe up and say yours are he/him.

How about online. Should I tell people or have it on my personal profile somewhere?

Having it in your profile online is a good idea. Online it's way more important, since it also combats "there are no girls on the internet."

And about respecting other people's pronouns. How do i figure them out? Is it a big faux pas if I don't before I know them? Is it a faux pas if I refer to someone I just met and I assumed to be male as he/him?

If someone has a gender presentation you can't figure out, ask. If you're pretty sure, guess. It's a minor faux pas to get it wrong, but it's within the realm of the inevitable awkwardness of human interaction, just say sorry once, correct yourself, and move on. Think of it as being as rude as accidentally stepping on someone's foot. (Think about how rude that'd be if you kept doing it though.)

I've never seen anyone referring to anyone irl by non conventional pronouns. Is it an actual thing or is it currently being pushed to make the world a more inclusive place?

It is very rare, but they're out there. People with really unconventional pronouns (I've met a fae/faer) are going to understand if you have to slow down when talking about them. Generally they're chosen by people whose gender identity is nonconventional enough that they're willing to put up with the hassle to get something that feels more right to them.

Pronouns are largely used to refer to people in the third person. As such I will never declare my pronouns because they aren't for me to use, they're for other people to use to refer to me. As such they should use whatever pronouns deliver maximal clarity for the listener.

I will respect others' pronoun preferences because I'm not an asshole, but when people start trying to tell me that I'm being bigoted by not stating my own pronouns, they can fuck off.

I am a straight male

Being straight doesn't impact what your pronouns are! Your gender, whether you are cis, non-binary, trans, or any other gender identity is what determines these pronouns.

are my pronouns he/him?

Probably but thats up to you. Usually pronouns are given in that order as a matter of standardisation for understanding where they go in a sentence. Ie "He is going to the store" or "it all comes down his choice." Obviously this leaves out some other gendered standard pronouns like formal Sirs and Ma'ams but for most conversation knowing she/her or they/them gets you most of the way there. For standard ones it might be intuitive but for people with neo-pronouns it helps a lot.

do you tell people when you meet them?

Sometimes. I try to do it more these days as a matter of course but usually I will give them when I'm in an environment where some people do and don't where no one does. They are in my email signatures and real social media bios though.

Online rules

At least on your profile somewhere. I like Hexbear's "no exceptions they will be in your name" policy, its better for uptake and helps people feel included.

figuring out others

If it isn't clear you could always ask. If you aren't a dick about it then it's usually fine. If you get corrected though the most respectful thing you could do is just say sorry and use the right ones from that point on.

non conventional pronouns

Yes people do use them, if you are in places that queer people go to or feel comfortable you are more likely to meet someone with them. I would argue its more polite to refer to them as neo pronouns but I also have boring ones so its not really my place to say. If you look around hexbear there are a couple of frequent posters with neo pronouns and I've known a few people irl to use neo pronouns as well.

Getting someone's pronouns wrong once really isn't too big of a deal. What's more important is how you react to being corrected and using what they ask you to going forward.

I still don't know a good way to ask people their pronouns. Or rather I haven't had to do it often so I don't have much practice still so I still feel weird. Sometimes I get nervous that asking someone their pronouns might even make them feel like they don't pass as the gender they want to present as. I've talked about this with people and the advice I've been given is that the best way to do it is to introduce yourself with your own pronouns. I still haven't really had much opportunity to do it so not sure how to make it flow conversationally but the idea is that you're giving everyone the opportunity to do the same plus it lets them know that you won't react poorly to hearing someone tell you their pronouns.

I've really only met one person who prefers they/them and a couple of she/they folks. The trans people I have met all pass well enough in my brain that I don't have to consciously try to use the correct pronoun. It just takes some effort to get used to.

Back in, say, 2016 or so there was a meme about "did you just assume my gender?" It was always a caricature and it seems like most people either want you to assume it or are okay if you get it wrong so long as you correct yourself once they correct you.

Watch Princess Bride. Perfect that "as you wish". With genuine sincerity.

Perfect. You've had a fun movie experience (Inconceivable!) and you now know the perfect way to respond to someone who has asked you or corrected you regarding pronouns.

I wouldn't ask someone their pronouns as a conversation opener because it makes some folks uncomfortable. For example a trans person might wonder something like "Do they ask that of everybody? Do I not pass?" if "passing" is something they care about.

It's better to just correct mistakes when you make them. It's also just something you'll pick up automatically talking with people they know, and like here where the hypothetical person's pronouns are ambiguous you can fall back to they. And when taking to the person themselves you are going to be using you anyway.

Yes, your pronouns are he/him :)

Generally, people are pretty chill about it. If you are unsure how to refer to someone, you can always just call them by their first name or something else (the barista at the front counter, the person in the yellow sweater, etc!)

I wouldn't overthink it, most people are totally cool if you get it wrong, especially if you show a willingness to get it right from then on. Queer people just wanna be treated like everyone else :)

-queer guy living in the gay district

If I've never heard anyone else use a specific pronoun for someone new or I otherwise don't know, I try to use they/them. Otherwise I use what others do.

And if someone does let you know that a person/themselves prefer a specific one, always say thanks (you can't be sorry for something you didn't know!) and do your best to remember for next time.

I also try to use genderless terms like "folks" or just "everyone" instead of "guys"

I find the use of the term guys exclusive.

I don’t tell people my pronouns. I’m male. I look male. I act male.

I appreciate when people are questionable or want to use different pronouns tell.

I equally appreciate when people don’t ask mine.