Ask Lemmy

I've been thinking on how to answer that in a way that would satisfy you and encompass "Russian" properly, but I know I can't. So with a little preface, I'll just say what I feel and what I know some others feel from conversations and other evidence.

I've been born here several decades ago, after the collapse the USSR. A lot of my childhood happened during the times of uncertainty about which I have only been hearing and reading and watching and listening from others -- but now that I'm living in the times of historical uncertainty of my own, some aspects of which could even be worse because the factors that comprise the uncertainty are either more severe or larger, and with much more corporate and government surveillance, I realize that my childhood and teen years were probably one of the most free and prosperous and maybe even democratic periods of modern Russia (post-USSR collapse). I never much of a social person, fell in love with video games quite early, as well as computers and tech, and through them learned English, so mesmerized by the possibilities for entertainment that it provided that a lot of my consciousness for long existed mostly in the English-speaking parts of the internet, with the occasional necessary interactions with the (mostly) Russian-speaking real world outside -- often with the like-minded geeky people.

This combination made me a rather left-leaning or liberal individual -- I struggle to provide my proper ideological views because the politics here, in Russia, seem to have defined somewhat different criteria, so sometimes I find myself belonging to different groups depending on who I'm talking to: English natives (or near-natives, such as Swedes, Germans, etc.) or Russian natives. Thinking about it now, I realize that a lot of my musical tastes revolve around political or societal themes, but I don't know if that's because I grew such views thanks to places of the internet I frequented or it's the music that made me gravitate towards such places. It's a little more complicated because I remember being an active member of multiple seemingly opposite communities back in the day, which each from today seem incompatible, but ultimately probably contributed greatly to my tendency to not make enemies or label people easily.

That applies to both Russian music and otherwise. I don't listen to a lot of new music outside of synthwave probably, and the two most prominent Russian bands I would point out would be:

• Кино / Kino
• Гражданская Оборона / Grazhdanskaya Oborona (and Егор Летов / Yegor Letov's music in general), although not every bit of theirs is close to me

I've heard other artists and songs and I think I've liked a lot, but not enough to recommend or even remember much. My English-singing bands list is much larger.

Now, as to what it actually feels like being Russian -- to me, it's weird.

Growing up, I've been unwillingly consuming a lot of propaganda from the state about some grandeur and uniqueness of my country, although not about my ethnicity, to some degree repeated and distorted by its older victims. It has always felt weird and funny, because I've always seen the disdain from so many sides towards the government: how they're lying and lazy and incompetent and corrupt and leave the rest in poverty, etc.; this is probably why I developed some disdain to any calls for patriotism and national pride -- to me, it never made sense to be proud of something I had nothing to do with, like Gagarin's first trip to space or the literary achievements of Pushkin or Dostoevsky or Ostrovsky or many others (especially knowing how many writers and poets suffered for their works, only to be re-appropriated as a patriotic argument later).

At some point, when the Russian internet culture has matured and produced various branches and communities, I think I could say I felt some sense of belonging to some places. I don't think any of them have survived to this day, as the few that did have evidently changed -- I haven't been part of them for too many years to say whether that's for best or worse; although I'm glad to say that at least of them aligns with my views largely.

Seeing depictions of Russians in media has always felt just lazy, never offensive. I've seen a lot of people, talked to a lot of people, but never understood the stereotypes shown in media -- if they were based on Russians, these were probably not the same Russians living with me in the same country. The only two different examples I can think of now are Stranger Things and Anora, where I definitely felt something unique and new -- truly seen, exposed, familiar, as these finally managed to show people I could not only imagine I knew in Russia, but people that felt like someone I have actually encountered over the years. Bizarre, but in a good way.

I have a great command at English, something which is rare for the country in general, even rarer in my parts. In Russia, this is impressive, but dealing with foreigners, unless they somehow already know I'm Russian, this is nothing special -- in fact, it is somewhat expected where I often spend my time. Quite some dissonance.

It's been much less fun sharing where I'm from since 2022. Before it could spark some surprises, albeit offensive, like "You're not like other Russians", sometimes because of the language skills, sometimes because of behavior, etc. I don't feel bad because there's less favorable characters in my country and culture -- I am not excited to interact with them either; I do feel bad, however, when they kind of pre-determine how other people will see and approach me.

These days, in most environments I'm just hoping the question would never arise and nobody would put me into a trap of supporting their worldview and Russia's place in it, regardless of actual people's lives involved.

Often when I do interact with fellow Russians, I'm happy to see how much distrust they also have in the government. Most recent example probably being the Max messenger and how people just refused to have it on their devices, sharing tips to sandbox it if they absolutely must, like getting airgapped phones or setting up software sandboxes, etc. I hear people of 30-40 years installing VPNs for their parents to enjoy YouTube or Instagram (the latter's joy is arguable, but I digress). Taxi drivers often berate the government and everything it's in amusing ways that warm my heart. And it was eye-opening to actually interact with people supporting the anti-war candidates and efforts -- especially when some of them turned out to be the ones I know are not as progressive or open as I am, turning out to be just as pissed at some things.

There's things I like here, too, actually. I was sad and surprised to learn that I'm lucky to have as good of a public transport system (in most cases) and urban design compared to a lot of the more western nations -- I have been berating them almost out of habit before I learned how truly insane people have in that regard in some of the wealthiest countries. It's not Netherlands level, but I'm glad it's not Deutsche Bahn either (I've always loved trains and not once have I been late because of one, always on time). The weather and architecture have always seemed to have their own charm to me -- even if seemed gloomy and depressing at times. In my region, all four seasons are pretty vibrant and defined, which I think allows me to live out emotions more often and broader, even if we don't show them to strangers a lot. Early spring, when the snow is melting and can't bless me with its presence anymore, is the saddest for me, but sometimes that creates eerie mists and beautiful times to let some melancholy out.

I try to consume my media in English mostly, because the Russian translation and dubbing and interpretation scene seems to be in shambles. It's ironic because I thought I'd become a translator/interpreter -- it started as a joke said by one of my classmates during some English class, where the teacher has been giving us texts to translate, probably because she couldn't be bothered for more; thanks to video games, these classes were a breeze to me, and it felt good, so I actually went and got a BA for this thing, with flying colors or whatever it's called.

Never worked as a translator, not a day. Turned out to pay horribly, so I taught English to teens and kids for 2.5 years, with great success, but kept overworking myself for more money. I then spent almost an entire year working in a predominantly German team as a developer, among other Russian developers; the entire team spoke English, wrote English, kept documentation in English, etc. Then the company left a few months after the invasion and I spent some years in a smaller Russian company that gave out fake names to its employees and wanted everyone to hide their origin -- which was kind of fun at first because I had picked my fake name a while ago and was surprised to be using to make actual money, but I realized how fucked up it was at some point. Since I got laid off there, I joined a bigger Russian tech company and been working there since, missing the fun of collaborating with different nationals from Germany, France, Switzerland, Albania, Hungary, India, etc.

And that's just so little of it.

Mostly boredom and existential dread, why