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this post was submitted on 16 Sep 2025
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The answer isn't to beat your kids though. I just think the current generation is taking the good advice to not hit your kids and is too impatient (or doesn't have enough time) to actually raise kids that aren't screaming all the damn time.
The whole “don’t say ‘no’ to your child“ …we’re gonna have a whole generation who won’t understand what nonconsent is. In a literal way too.
I do not understand these people who think boundaries break others. It’s massively flawed and problematic to train humans like this. It’s sabotaging their kids into being abusers and thinking they are above being kind.
We all have choices to be assholes. To be an asshole is a choice. Don’t make it their only option.
I can't understand how such an obviously stupid approach to rasing kids even got off the ground to the point of general awareness. Any intelligent adult should be able to see how learning to take a "no" is an essential part of growing up. Same with dealing with negative emotions in general, which I understand the whole "never say no" thing is trying to avoid.
My daughter was taught how to take a no at a young age. It was a bit rough the first few times, but she quickly learned to take them in stride.
I have come to understand that the whole "don't say no" thing is less about directly saying no and leaving it at that and more about taking the time to explain things to your child.
When it comes to new situations for things that I haven't yet encountered I don't just say no. I sit down with them and explain to them why.
Yes there are times when I will just say no, like when they know what the answer is going to be and understand why but are just doing it to do it, or if there isn't time in that specific moment to explain I would preface it with that and then explain it later.
I think people misinterpret the whole don't say no thing sometimes and literally just give their kids whatever they want which is obviously not good. Boundaries are not optional, and like you mention it is a flawed way of thinking and will absolutely lead to problems down the road.
Yes that makes sense. And yeah bad parents have done some damage with that, especially the boundary thing is important.
some people are allowed to not have all the answers, they just know that ‘no’ is their answer(especially important in where sex turns into rape and power positions).
Where I’m going with this: Abusers will try to gain a ‘why’ just to erode the reason for the ‘no’ as a way to coerce a no into a yes. These particular situations is where ‘no is a complete sentence’ is taught as a perfectly appropriate response.
You are absolutely correct.
I didn't think about it at the time when I wrote my response but there have been situations with mine where he has done things that cross personal boundaries, at his age it's more of him just being young enough to have that boundary himself but not understand that other people also have them.
Those were very quickly remedied by either explanation using his personal boundaries as an example or if that didn't work then acting as if we were going to do something that crossed his boundaries so that he understands in those situations that no is an acceptable response full stop.
I could definitely see where not handling those immediately could turn into an absolute nightmare.
Try telling your kids not to scream.
... and watch them screaming even more just to annoy you.
It's so fucking insane to me that the majority of Americans think beating your kids is acceptable and even healthy
Then You haven't met Australians
Damn, I would think corporal punishment would be illegal in Australia of all places
/woosh
Kids don't "scream JUST to annoy you". If you think that you might be the parent people are complaining about.
Kids are gonna be kids sometimes mate. But they are people not. They aren't doing something "just to annoy you". They have reasons they act the way they do. And it's always because of who raised them.
My point was about actually being a parent and being able to raise a child with mutual respect. It's obviously not just "stop screaming".
The biggest thing is teaching your child that screaming does not get them positive results. Lots of parents have a really hard time transitioning from raising an infant, to raising a toddler, to raising a kid.
By the time they are a teenager they are still whining like an infant to get what they want.
I heard a kid screaming in public a couple weeks ago. I swear to God it sounded like a toddler having a tantrum. I look over and it's literally a kid at least 10 years old. It blew my mind. The parents where treating him like an infant trying to find out what he wanted.
Yeah, part of it is to teach that they won't get their way by annoying you into giving in. Helps in my case that I can be a stubborn fuck, too. It means I have to choose my battles because I don't want to back myself into a situation where I make a choice, realize it's not the best one, but feel like I have to stand my ground to combat whining. Luckily we're past the point of tantrums and she's old enough that I can explain my reasoning in cases where I say one thing at first but then later change my mind.
But there's two other parts imo. One is teaching them the right way to express what they want (as well as when stating what they want might be rude or out of line, like if it's in response to getting a gift that isn't their top choice). And the other is being open and honest about the why. I only use "because I said so" or some equivalent to deal with the endless chain of "why?"s (though I've found deflecting it back at her is also effective, like "why do you think it is?").
Wow, I was actually agreeing with you here. Telling your kids to not scream does not work.
So yes, woosh apparently.
Well given the equal up and down votes on your comment I think your reply can clearly be interpreted as disagreement. Also, saying kids "scream just to annoy you" is ignorant.
Don't make an unclear ignorant comment and expect people to take it in good faith.
If you make adversarial choices, your kids will definitely scream to annoy you. You took it as me saying that kids "only" scream to annoy, which is obviously not true.
So yes, I was on the internet assuming that people argue in good faith and try to have a good time .... I mean yeah, I guess I should have seen that one coming.
I think I'm not cut out for this.
Your comment used the word "just" which in that sentence literally means "only". You could have cleared up the misunderstanding. But your short comment was ignorant sounding. It's why it got down voted mate.
I agree much of this comes down to parenting. I'm right with you on the passive parenting. It's introducing unnecessary problems upon the child and society.
That said random kids we see could also have learning disabilities that aren't apparent at first.
My nephew is on autistic spectrum and does tantrums at 12 all because plans change (part of life but he's still struggling with that despite consistency). He doesn't appear at first as any different from any teenager until he's triggered. It's not appropriate. We always remind him to speak respectfully. He has a younger sister who is way more adjusted by comparison (has normal tween struggles) but she's not as neurodivergent. Basic parenting advice on behavior is working for her.
Though it can be a struggle to talk a child out of this when it's beyond just understanding. Learning to cope is just taking longer for this teen. Possibly aging into medication and long term therapy. It took that for my other niece on a different spectrum who's still finding the right medication and adjusting.
Just something to consider when judging random ppl.
Well, neither is true, though. Newer generations don't just magically have less patience. Nor children today are more prone to tantrums and screaming than children in the past 30 million years. That's just good old, "back in my days", backwards thinking that has, ironically, also always existed amongst the older generations.
It's a song and dance, driven by evolution, it has happened before and it will continue to happen. As this thread and hundreds of threads, and newspaper articles, and postcards, and letters, and books, and clay tablets and campfire rants have proven, ever since humans developed speech.
Kids these days.
The internet has drastically and measurably changed the behavior and attention span of children.
Socrates said the same thing about books.
And that is equally true.
We said the same thing. Of the TV. And the radio before that. And of the comics before that. And of the theater before that. And of the circus before that. Etc.
We ought to be careful of many pseudoscientific claims. Specially in psychology. We don't have a control group of children before the advent of the internet to compare today's children with. The "i 'member!" crowd are now all adults, a group who are notoriously biased and bad at being objective regarding their own childhood.
We can compare today's children with and without certain habits, and indeed it has been found that mobile internet access, and social media specially, are detrimental to children in some personality development aspects and cognitive skills. But this is not a pass to make broad generalizations of entire generations of all children and parents across the globe. That's just generational bigotry.
Like, different habits lead to different behaviors? Sure, no shit. But that doesn't change the fundamental make up of human beings.
I'm a little confused why you don't think there have been journaled studies on the differences between children with access to technology and those without. Some examples are impoverished communities and countries and people in strict religious sects. TV, radio, books, they have all had an impact on they way brains develop and process information. Biologically no, if you pluck a newborn and place them in North Sentinel Island, they will adapt perfectly. But that's the thing, the human mind is meant to adapt to its surroundings. The surrounding of the majority of children today is being absolutely bombarded with distractions, and it has a measurable affect on behavior across the board.
Oh, let me clarify. There are studies. What I mean is that you cannot compare today's children to children from, say, 200 years ago, not even 50 years ago. It's not possible as people back then unfortunately couldn't see the future and foresee that their future scientific counterparts would need certain observational data on children's behaviors. So we have cross sectional and cohort studies on the impact of smart phones and the internet. But this won't say anything about generational differences amongst children, or the generational comparative differences to previous cohorts of children. Thus, it is impossible to say "parents today are less patient" or "kids today scream more". Those are stupid and annoying common place generalizations from people who don't know jack about developmental psychology or parenting.
Listen, I have two degrees. The first is a B.S. in Psychology with a Neuroscience emphasis, and the other is a B.A. in Cognitive Science. And anecdotally, I also have two children. I only state that so we can skip past all the talk of "bigotry", and "stupid and annoying" generalizations. It doesn't matter that we can't compare to children 50 years ago, if we acknowledge that "x" has an impact on children and that "y%" of children are exposed to "x", isn't the outcome the same?
For fucks sake, it takes a psychologist to be a pedant idiot on the internet against another psych. I also have a Bachelors in psychology and a Master in sociology. And as my doctorate tutor likes to say during debates when people throw credentials around as if they mean something to basic facts and science, "do you have an argument or are you just interested in comparing dick sizes?"
I was just responding to your statement about "people who dont know jack about psychology", so that we could have a more informed discussion. 🙂
Excuse my exasperation. The comment I replied to was exactly saying those arguments and I was addressing those arguments alone. I never said modern technologies don't have an impact and your interjection with the topic implied you agreed that tech caused a fundamental generational change that validated the idea of "kids these days". If you gave a smartphone with social media to a sentinelese child, they would probably develop behavioural issues as well. But that doesn't mean this change would be universal to their entire cohort of children or that he was magically a new kind of child fundamentally different from the previous generation. To claim that "kids these days scream more" is precisely the kind of ignorant generalization I'm referring to, and it is born out of generational bigotry. It's not a new phenomenon, it's well historically documented. It's the source of the generational rift that has plagued every generation from boomers to millennials, to gen z, etc. Kids today are under new and unique circumstances, just like every kid from every generation has always been.