I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.
Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
It would be helpful to have an example (or more) of what you suggested and what ended up happening.
Other people have good advice, but I'm wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche, or if your friends have strange interests, or if you find it difficult to enjoy normal activities.
There are lots of activities that people do that I'm not that interested in, but I'll go along anyway and still have a good time - it wouldn't be my first choice, and I'd be annoyed if my plans always got taken over in favour of them, but I wouldn't be "visibly miserable" doing something like this: for example, one time we ended up going out for "electric shuffle" (just shuffleboard which is electronically scored) which is pretty expensive for what it is, but whatever. The main attraction is being with friends and interacting, anyway.
I remember one time I planned a cycling trip and everyone I invited ended up doing something else (I can't remember what, but I remember distinctly it being something they could have done on any weekend). I was a bit miserable at that but still had a good time on my own.
Listed some of it in this comment: https://programming.dev/post/37296315/19332878
There was variaty. I strived to recommend varying levels of specificity in the plans, anywhere from requiring tickets to just going to the park bc I'm sick of being inside.
It does sound like a good variety and not overly niche. I host a film night and we rotate who picks the film with the idea of bringing a mixture of ideas. It works a lot better than all trying to agree on something IMO.
I think your difficulty standing could be something to work on. Standing isn't comfortable for anyone, but I think most people can stand comfortably for longer than you describe, so perhaps you can build up your strength, or perhaps you have a mild disability and would benefit from something to lean on. That might open up some of the opportunities you talk about.
I see a connection between several of the things you said that your friends don't want to do expensive stuff. That is a common source of difficulty in friend groups, but there are lots of ideas for cheap or free days out - I'd start with walking. It's also something that, for me at least, is something I'm very happy to do by myself and be alone with my thoughts, so I can always say, "I'm going for a walk around X on Y, anyone want to come with? I can pick you up at Z" or whatever.