I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
ai disclaimer
I'm going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.
Here's the source chat but if you want to cite my words I'd prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt's output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
You could try "I'm going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I'll be there at this time. Let me know if you're coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much." And then make your plans and do them anyway.
This way it's clear that you are doing the thing. If people say "can we do this or this instead?" you reply with "Hey, great idea! Maybe next time. I've already planned the other thing for this time."
Sometimes it will be on your own. Sometimes others will want to join you. Sometimes you can join others on their quests, too, but remember to not try and change their plans to suit yourself.
I thought alot about doing this but I cannot wrap my head around how to actually do that? Like ok I'm gonna try to express some of my mental blocks I have right now:
Wow tying that last bullet point really coalesed what I wanted to ask in this post, thank you <3
I always appreciated being in the receiving end of such plans. It takes a lot of the thought out and I just need to figure out how to make the schedule. Fwiw it also makes the yes/no decision easier.
An additional reason I don’t like making plans like that is I like to think I do things on impulse. In reality I have to admit I often don’t do anything so the gift of someone making plans is appreciated even if I grumble a bit.
It isn't rude to tell people that you're doing an activity and that you're open to having company.
As for being inflexible, you're doing an activity and inviting people, not finding something to do with people. If they want to do something else, plan to do that a different day, because you've already made plans.
making a decision and having an opinion is not rude. And actually, often people are glad that you've removed the mental labor and discussion.