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what questions do you have but don't feel you can ask trans people? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)

submitted 4 days ago by dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.

Mostly I'm interested in what people are holding back.

The questions I've been asked IRL:

why / how did you pick your name?
how long have you known?
how long before you are done transitioning?
how long do you have to be on HRT?
is transgender like being transracial?
what do the surgeries involve?

For the most part, though, I get silence - people don't want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.

If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.

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[–] Machinist@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

When considering dating trans/NB folks, what is the best way to ask about their genital configuration, gender identity, and future planned trajectory?

In other words, I have a strong preference for female genitalia. I also strongly prefer limited or no body hair (shaved is fine). There is a set of tomboy/androgyny/boi that is my type. Is there a polite way to ask about this?

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Honestly I am not sure there is a particularly perfect way to raise genital preference, but it is good to be transparent and honest about your preferences, it might be good to raise early and in a context where you are opening the floor to understanding their needs and preferences too, esp. around any dyphoria they might experience and what their needs are.

The majority of trans folks are pre- or non-op, so it's best not to assume anything about their genitals, and if you have preferences it's even more important to communicate about.

For transmasc folks you might need to examine your preferences and the extent to which female gentials make you see men as women (just like when men really enjoy penises on trans women), and just be honest with yourself and your partner, and be careful not to invalidate someone's gender.

Tbh, this isn't that far from talking about hair and sexual preferences with cis people, it's just good to be sensitive because being misgendered can be really dehumanizing.

[–] Machinist@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

That's pretty much what I figured. Wish trans folks had something like the old school hanky code.

As far as my preferences go, I was in a triad for a while with an NB. If I were stuck on a desert island and had to pick between a vanilla woman or a sub boy, I'm picking the boy. However, like I said, I have a strong preference for female genitalia. The whole tomboy/NB thing is the sweetspot for me in this spectrum.

I also have smell preferences. MtF, many NB, and cis women smell much more attractive to me. I imagine it's related to test levels. I don't find heavily transitioned FtM very attractive. There's an androgynous smell that's kind of like fallen leaves that I really like.

Not trying to fetishize here, but thought the perspective might be interesting. I'm very masculine and fall somewhere between a wolf or bear.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

there might be like hanky codes, but I just might be the wrong girl to ask, I'm the over-committed lesbian trope, have had a single monogamous relationship for over a decade 😅

If I were single, I wouldn't be interested in dating or actively seeking out a relationship.