this post was submitted on 29 Nov 2024
248 points (93.1% liked)

Ask Lemmy

27258 readers
1502 users here now

A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions


Rules: (interactive)


1) Be nice and; have funDoxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them


2) All posts must end with a '?'This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?


3) No spamPlease do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.


4) NSFW is okay, within reasonJust remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com. NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].


5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions. If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.


6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online


Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.

Partnered Communities:

Tech Support

No Stupid Questions

You Should Know

Reddit

Jokes

Ask Ouija


Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu


founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

I’m a man. Only ever dated, been attracted to women. Recently I met this guy and I’m having weird feelings. I can’t quite tell if I’m attracted to him as a person or just like the way he treats me; nonetheless something makes me want to treat him differently than any other guys - the way I would a girl I suppose. My friends say I might be attracted to femininity in general regardless of gender and that’s why I feel this way, and the reason why it hasn’t surfaced until now is because I haven’t yet met a guy to tick those boxes. Wondering if anyone has been through something similar.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] thezeesystem@lemmy.blahaj.zone 110 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Always remember that sexuality is not "I was born this way" sexuality changes throughout everyone's life. Just like ones gender.

It's a spectrum of many things and many ways from no sexual feelings to all sexual feelings towards any or no genders.

There is no binary there is no definite answer. It's whatever you feel. And that's completely ok.

[–] Stovetop@lemmy.world 32 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Just to expand, having a fixed sexuality that is unchangeable is an expression of "homonormativity", which is to say it is queer identity that tries to coexist within the heteronormative default without challenging it.

It is easy to box oneself into a sexuality archetype like "gay" or "bi" or "ace" because they provide convenient labels that can be used to more easily understand/relate to others, and it helps to be able to organize and rally under a defined identity, but it fails to acknowledge that not everyone can perfectly fit the same mold, nor are they inherently going to follow the same path throughout life.

Semi-relevant side story: over Thanksgiving, I went to visit my folks, and walked in on them watching some cable TV channel which was airing an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond about (fittingly enough for my visit) a misunderstanding that Ray's brother might be gay. And so there were some deeply uncomfortable canned laugh tracks at gay stereotype jokes that made my skin crawl before the two brothers confirmed their mutual heterosexuality, to great relief of both, but there was one line that stuck with me as having something of a grain of truth (paraphrasing): "Maybe I could be gay and I just haven't met the right guy yet".

Obviously if you're a man who is into women 99% of the time but one day end up genuinely attracted to a guy, it doesnt make you "gay" (bi, maybe) but I'd argue that no one is inherently "gay", nor can one be perfectly "straight". Heteronormativity instills that concept of essentialism in order to perpetuate the "us vs them" binary of sexuality, and so essentialist identities are as much a trap as they are a convenience. People are better off thinking less "What am I" and more "Who am I attracted to", and accepting that can change over time.