The Onion

(Phoenix, AZ) As the nation works to discuss the assassination of Charlie Kirk without bringing up gun violence, the White House has announced that Donald Trump will lead the organization going forward. “It’s a sad time, very sad,” said the president at his New Jersey golf course. “We know Charlie’s family is sad and America is sad. I know they want me to take over until his son is old enough to take over.”

Turning Point, a corporation with its own board of directors and chain of succession, says they are reaching out to the president to clarify his symbolic leadership of the firm. But trumps office clearly responded as if the president ran the organization. “The president is planning to move the headquarters to JD Vance’s old office once he moves,” said Karoline Leavitt to reporters, “and has a new logo commemorating Charlie being commissioned at a gold leaf factory. The president is excited to do the work.”

When asked how this would affect the president’s current work administering the country, Leavitt had no comment.