this post was submitted on 10 Sep 2025
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chapotraphouse

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If the far-right misogynist with a bad haircut wants to villainize independent women, Jezebel is more than happy to be the hag of his nightmares.

The internet has ruined me in a thousand ways, but one of its strangest gifts is that I can now buy a curse as easily as I can buy a phone charger. On the mystical website Etsy, you can find a spell for just about anything. Don’t want it to rain on your wedding day? There’s a spell for that. Want the man who cheated on you to develop an incurable rash? Or premature balding? The Etsy coven has you covered.

But the internet has its downsides. Exhibit A: Charlie Kirk. Maybe it’s his obsession with telling women what to do or his aggressively large head, but the far-right podcaster’s presence is more irritating than most. That’s when I remembered: there’s Etsy.

These days, witches cater to more than just personal grudges. And it’s not uncommon for them to channel their energy toward thwarting Republicans (there’s even a subreddit devoted to casting nightly hexes on Trump). Are you interested in punishing Kirk for the years of regressive rhetoric he’s shouted at America’s youth and anyone within earshot? Here at Jezebel, we’re about to find out if there’s a spell for that.

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[–] mkultrawide@hexbear.net 23 points 6 days ago (1 children)

You think any of these Etsy witches know Juche Necromancy? lenin-sleeping

[–] jorge@lemmygrad.ml 4 points 6 days ago

No, don't do it! I have watched the medical documentary The Lazarus Effect. Ressurected people come back evil and with super powers! The last thing we want is an evil super-Lenin.

[–] Phantom_Engineer@lemmy.ml 14 points 6 days ago

Unlike Allah, Kirk could not stand against the force of the internet witches.

[–] infuziSporg@hexbear.net 6 points 6 days ago

Here's the twist: The curse was contracted on August 21st, and the witches said it would take effect in 2-3 weeks.

[–] NewAcctWhoDis@hexbear.net 6 points 6 days ago

It dawned on me: the witches didn’t even need to curse him. The Swifties will handle him now, and let’s be real, the Swifties are much scarier. Or was siccing the Swifties onto Kirk the curse actually working…?

I figured out the shooter's ideology

[–] JoeByeThen@hexbear.net 70 points 1 week ago (4 children)
[–] thelastaxolotl@hexbear.net 73 points 1 week ago (2 children)

We do not endorse, encourage, or excuse political violence of any kind.

Yet you paid witches to curse him soviet-hmm

[–] FunkyStuff@hexbear.net 33 points 1 week ago (1 children)

The point was to cause him eternal suffering in the astral plane, not some fleeting terror.

[–] thelastaxolotl@hexbear.net 29 points 1 week ago (1 children)

He can still suffer eternal suffering in the afterlife

[–] SacredExcrement@hexbear.net 17 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Distilled liberalism

[–] 7bicycles@hexbear.net 32 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I mean you're not gonna come out and say "we did this" would you

[–] JoeByeThen@hexbear.net 43 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I would take out a full page ad in the NYT.

[–] 7bicycles@hexbear.net 21 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)
[–] JoeByeThen@hexbear.net 19 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You think they can't trace spells? smh.

I've never played DE.

[–] 7bicycles@hexbear.net 20 points 1 week ago

I've never played DE.

jesus christ get on it what are you doing

You think they can't trace spells? smh.

apparently not, no.

[–] Civility@hexbear.net 20 points 1 week ago
[–] thelastaxolotl@hexbear.net 36 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] Nacarbac@hexbear.net 25 points 1 week ago (1 children)

One of those background gags where the entire bottle of cursin' juice gets knocked into the cauldron by the apprentice, they frantically try to cover it up and then just sidle away.

Look, I was an intern and I have dyspraxia, goddess damn it!

[–] ShinkanTrain@lemmy.ml 32 points 1 week ago

Do any of those witches have a subscription service

[–] OthelloII@hexbear.net 31 points 1 week ago

MAGIC IS REAL ETSY WITCHES ARE REAL

[–] Cowbee@hexbear.net 28 points 1 week ago

This is praxis

sicko-jammin DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC, IN A YOUNG GIRL'S HEART? HOW THE MUSIC CAN FREE HER, WHENEVER IT STARTS?sicko-jammin

[–] Carl@hexbear.net 22 points 1 week ago

I want to make it clear, I’m not calling on dark forces to cause him harm.

Dark forces, famous for their restraint and for respecting the ethical boundaries of those who call upon them.

[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 18 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Wiccan doubters seething rn

[–] Enjoyer_of_Games@hexbear.net 8 points 6 days ago (1 children)

my apologies to the Wiccans I wasn't familiar with your game

[–] Washburn@hexbear.net 18 points 1 week ago
[–] CrookedSerpent@hexbear.net 17 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] WhyEssEff@hexbear.net 6 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

new twilight just dropped, gouge the neck and kill

[–] Carcharodonna@hexbear.net 16 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)
[–] DelgadoSlims@hexbear.net 15 points 1 week ago

If you're looking to make money, now would be the perfect time to set up an Etsy business selling counter curses