The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are
this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2025
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This, and also, you should always feel entitled to have your own opinions and likes/dislikes. This should never be considered being a bad person. Just don't go and try to build a society where people are considered criminals just because they do not share your likes/dislikes.
If you still feel a visceral reaction to two adults of any kind being intimate, then i feel like that is some residual bigotry.
It sounds like you want to be a good person, so that's what is most important.
That being said, if you want to get over your biases against homosexual women, i would suggest exposure therapy or talking with a real therapist.
This kind of conditioning is hard to undo.
Just hopping in to say, first of all:
as a queer person, i'm genuinely super proud of you for realising this, and improving. you're awesome 💕
the way i see it, you don't need to embrace or approve of what others do - but letting them and treating them like 'vanilla cishet'* people would get treated (ie. with respect), goes a long way. When you're in a sauna and there are gay people, ask yourself: would I comment on a straight couple being together?
everyone has their own preferences. it's normal to have the things you like and dislike; though it's not normal to mistreat others for it. in that sense, your ick for lesbian stuff (but liking other stuff) is fine, to the extent that you don't harm or hate on others for having their preferences. so imho, that part isn't homophobic.
whether or not you were a homo-/transphobe is not for me to decide. i think the bullying counts, though; but no need to beat yourself up over what happened; the past is the past, you're working on a great future.
Apologising in earnest to the victim, if they're open to it, can help. he doesn't need to accept it (nor do you), but to you both, it'd be a weight off your shoulders. Closure helps a lot in dealing with that shit.
I don't think one needs to overworry or overthink it -- it's valid to be concerned; but at the end of day, we're all people, and you're welcome too.
* only saying this because in my view, the 'vanilla cishet' person doesn't exist, just as the full-of-fetishes/kinks queer person doesn't exist. It's a spectrum which is best seen as, "Who cares, but support for anything that's mutual between consenting people of mature age, and support for whatever makes their life easier".
It's okay to be personally uncomfortable with whatever; the important part is to not make it anyone else's problem. Be honest with yourself and just don't be a dick.
If we are honest with ourselves, we all have biases that end in -phobia. They are on a siding scale and get more pronounced in certain situations. The assholes in society don't gaf about their biases and don't care if they say or do hurtful things as a result. The more enlightened people know about their lizard brain biases and try their best not to act on them.
Maybe you are a bit homophobic. But you are aware of your biases and you can make sure you don't act on them in a way that is hurtful to other people. Knowing is half the battle. So don't beat yourself up over it. From what I've been reading in your post you are doing it right.
Honestly, just my two cents. I would say that you used to be homophobic or kind of are, but are trying to get better. That's good. You also don't seem to, from what I know, openly hate on LGBTQ+ people for who they are. While you hung out with bullies who were bigots in high school, you were young and you've grown from that. That doesn't excuse being homophobic/transphobic "by association" and not being opposed to homo/transphobia, but you have probably changed.
Lesbian relationships on TV and in other media are often portrayed with a male gaze and/or fetishising. Do you think that that might play a role in making you feel uncomfortable?
It's very hard to tell from the outside what's the cause of the way you're feeling. But I guess the best thing you can do is to try to improve and to keep investigating your emotions.
In my opinion, bigotry is more like a cognitive bias than a wrong idea. That is it's extremely difficult to get that stuff out of your head, and the effective strategy is to acknowledge that you've got bias and try to correct for it.
no shame in asking!
tbh I used to be the opposite of you. 2 men together was just kinda weird. not in a "that's wrong you're going to hell!!! 😡😡" kinda way, moreso just something in my brain thought it was kinda off-putting about it. I was raised by a really homophobic mom and grandparents as well as toxic discords that didn't properly portray what being gay is like, that 100% had something to do with it.
however, I found women snuggling together so cute and wholesome, like the best thing in the world. Like wholeheartedly cannot understand how anybody would be against it. I felt like really inferior as if never be half of worth to have an experience of anything like that.
Over time as I got more experience with gay men my view kinda shifted and I think it's really wholesome and I am really happy that people can be with who they want to be and it's really sweet.
however... I am now a woman... and attracted to women... so that explains that
also my dad is gay and was his whole life.
Personally I never really had the "2 same gender ppl together weird" thingy, but ironically now that I've come out, I notice it more in my mind that I have those feels. And that annoys me as I want to not have that feel. So I try to 'CBT' myself by subtly smiling at those couples too, trying to make sure they feel safe and at ease too.
I think it comes from a perception of envy, that I'm projecting it onto others: why them but not me? I try to combat it too by realising that it's not 'not me'; I need to go out and look for it, to have it too.
It's a whole journey of self exploration and realisation. If there's any good place to ask, it's on Lemmy, and since it's in good faith (realising that homo- and transphobia is in fact, indeed bad), it's especially a good way to learn how to deal with your feels. Best to have a qualified psychologist you personally know and trust, though. One that doesn't dismiss your concerns, but listens and understands, guides to help yourself improve.
The most funny part of the post is the last line :D