this post was submitted on 11 Jul 2025
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A Boring Dystopia

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‘An uphill battle’: why are midlife men struggling to make – and keep – friends? (www.theguardian.com)
submitted 13 hours ago by return2ozma@lemmy.world to c/aboringdystopia@lemmy.world
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[–] the_abecedarian@piefed.social 28 points 10 hours ago

We've been physically separated by car dependency and the removal of free/cheap meeting spaces; distracted by the internet and streaming media; made to hate and fear each other by propaganda; and made temporary in our neighborhoods by rising rents and the hunt for the ever more rare decent job. That's why.

One way to meet people is to get a dog and walk them around the neighborhood. Another is to find local activity groups over discord, meetup, etc. Another is continuing ed classes at a local university or community college

[–] treadful@lemmy.zip 55 points 12 hours ago (5 children)

Those reporting 10 or more close friends decreased from 33% to 13% during the same period.

Do "normal" people really have 10 or more close friends? I've never had that many close friends my entire life.

[–] ThunderLegend@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 hours ago

Do you guys have friends?!

[–] ChexMax@lemmy.world 3 points 3 hours ago (2 children)

Our friend group sits at around 17. It ebbs and flows with girl/boyfriends coming and going (though mostly all married now). I hate to say it, but the key is low standards. We don't all agree on anything. We don't all have the same hobbies or even sense of humor. But we don't kick each other out over stupid fights, and everyone is always welcome at everything. If you cut people out when they don't agree with you, or when they screw up, your friendships disappear. You just have to treat it like family.

[–] Saleh@feddit.org 2 points 1 hour ago

"i can have a bbq with you" is not what i would call "close friends". A close friend is someone i can bitch to about my personal problems and trust him not to pass any of it on. A close friend is someone on whose couch i could crash in an emergency with little to no questions asked.

From your description i would have thought more of the first category, but maybe i am wrong and you all stick it out for each other like that. In this case props to you all and i hope it lasts.

[–] LazerDickMcCheese@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 hours ago

That doesn't sound like low standards to me, sounds sane and inviting

[–] boatswain@infosec.pub 7 points 8 hours ago

I think I've got right around there where I'm living now; that's part of what makes it hard to contemplate leaving the country, even though this place (US) is turning pretty terrifying: I know if I leave it'll take years to build up friendships like that again, if it ever even happens.

[–] tburkhol@lemmy.world 20 points 11 hours ago

Yeah, I feel like their "close friends" in 1990 were probably just the guys at the Lodge or the bowling league. I'm not sure those relationships are any deeper than the parasocial relationships we form online. Just a bunch of guys with nothing else to do on Wednesday nights, so they just go down to some social club and roleplay.

[–] loomy@lemy.lol -4 points 8 hours ago

they do.

they also pay them money for sex.

[–] h3ll3rsh4nks@ani.social 30 points 12 hours ago

I have zero RL friends and nearly zero online friends. I have no time for hobbies or events and no money for them either. All my old friends grew apart or radically changed to the point of unrecognizability. Life just feels like a cycle of sleep, eat breakfast, commute, work, commute, shower, eat dinner, sleep.

[–] TheWeirdestCunt@lemmy.today 41 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

Mid life? I'm still in uni and my offline friend group is pretty much just my girlfriend's friends who are into tech. Tbf that's mostly down to me being too introverted to talk to anyone though.

[–] Emi@ani.social 9 points 12 hours ago

The only IRL friend I have is one that I met in elementary school. Not on the best of terms but we were somewhat similar kind of weird. Also very introverted but also anxious. I have no idea how people make friends and where to start.

[–] Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 34 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

I may not be the typical man, but I am mid-life, so I’m at least partially qualified to provide some anecdata on this.

Friends feel like a chore. I have to cultivate and nurture something when I’m barely able to keep a plant alive.

It would be a lot easier to make and keep friends if there was something mandatory I had to do every couple weeks. (If it’s voluntary I would find something more important to do.)

Being around a large group of people to accomplish a task is how I build relationships. But I don’t see anything like that around.

[–] Chip_Rat@lemmy.world 3 points 9 hours ago

Where do you live? The reserve armed forces in Canada would fit that bill, depending on your feelings about that. A day a week and a weekend a month, I forget exactly but it's consistent, paid, but it's supposed to be easy enough to fit into a normal life schedule. They usually do disaster relief and stuff like that when they do get called, but theoretically you could be signing up for more given the state of the world.

Boy scouts/girl Guides/youth groups are always looking for group leaders.

Volunteer fire also gets close to that mark, it's voluntary but if you don't show up you get replaced.

And volunteer becomes "mandatory" the deeper you get. If you can find a small soup kitchen or conservation group, and really hold yourself to it for a few months, you might find you become vital to that organization. Then I guess it's up to your personal brain chemistry what "mandatory" means. If you have the keys, I'd assume you'd be there 30 minutes before the weekly soup prep afternoon is supposed to start to open up and meet that new person to show them around.

Many of these groups are small and in desperate need of good help and sometimes even leadership. On that same note some are little fifedoms and if you aren't getting good vibes just cut bait and move on.

[–] undefined@lemmy.hogru.ch 16 points 12 hours ago (2 children)

Isn’t this beating a dead horse? We’ve already figured this out as a society. It’s time to move on to solutions.

[–] loomy@lemy.lol 2 points 8 hours ago

the guardian kinda sucks tbh

[–] Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world 5 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

But they'll lose the research grant!

[–] Trimatrix@lemmy.world 4 points 11 hours ago

Bold of you to imply they haven’t already!

[–] Bob_Robertson_IX@discuss.tchncs.de 2 points 12 hours ago

I have the number of friends that I want, and I keep in touch with them by sending them messages any time I want to share sometime with them. Some friends I talk with every day I haven't seen in person in over 3 years, and we have no problem with that.

[–] loomy@lemy.lol 0 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

“many gay men find and build community around an embrace of shared spaces,”

I wonder why gay men have more "friends".

A: sex.

[–] Lemminary@lemmy.world 4 points 3 hours ago

No, we don't all fuck our friends. I think I have a total of one friend who I've "fucked" twice in 7 years. Gay culture goes beyond sex, and so do our friendships.