No Stupid Questions

Perhaps it would be helpful to note what a lack of self care looks like?

My daily routine usually involves waking up, skipping breakfast, going to school (if I wake up early I kill time by doomscrolling on my phone), coming home, laying in bed (more doomscrolling), eating something, doing school work, and then going to sleep. Most of my free time is wasted on my phone and I'm usually stressed about at least one thing.

So what's missing? Well I could spend some more time socializing, gaming, treating myself to meals I enjoy, etc. Personally, I have anhedonia so finding things I genuinely enjoy is difficult, which makes self care difficult. But self care isn't just about meeting your basic needs, it's about feeling good after you do it. It's a little break from everything that's stressing you out.

As someone that's done a lot of therapy - self care is usually recommended because you're not happy with how your life is. Think about what prompted that conversation. Did you describe an unhappy lifestyle? Something (or several) that has been stressing you out recently? Now think about what could help you feel a bit better, or at least give you a (healthy) break. It could be a bubble bath, visiting a cat cafe, going for a swim, etc. There are countless ideas online but it's important to find something that changes how you FEEL. As other people have mentioned, self care is an important part of your daily routine.

Mindfully identifying and meeting your own needs. Acting for yourself as a guardian might. Doing the needful things that will benefit you when you might rather just be a lumpy puddle.

Self-care for me has a lot to do with intent. A good friend of mine calls most leisure activity “masturbating.” If all you’re doing is watching TV, scrolling feeds, playing games, etc, you’re technically being entertained, but you’re not really benefiting yourself in any way and you’re not truly engaged.

Alternatively, real self care is often meditative in some way. Something that you’re purposely doing to separate yourself from consumption and focus on your mental state. Even treating a morning routine seriously enough can count if you can work in planned time to meditate or similar.

I think it comes down to mindfulness. If it’s something you do without thinking, I don’t think it counts as self-care.

Actively improving your mental, physical, or spiritual state, as opposed to idle down time. Goofing around on the Internet is not self care, it's down time. Working on a hobby doing art, or exercising is self care.

So I always imagine it a bit like this.

Imagine you are playing the SIMS, lo and behold you are your own SIM. But the objective in the corner doesn't specify money, it specifies well-being and happiness.

Your SIM is only programmed to take care of their base necessities, but those will only get your well-being and happiness bars up about 20%.

What do you do to fill them up the rest of the way? Mind you, some ways to fill the bars will be counterintuitive, like exercise, or learning a new skill. Though it needn't be those specifically.

And to make it harder, there is a diminishing return even on things that work, so you have to be sure to add variety, just a little, to keep the bars going up.

The most important thing, is you need to genuinely want what's best for yourself. Not what's most comfortable, but what's best. There is no answer anyone can give you to what that best something is, you have to answer that for yourself.

And if all of this seems like stupid bullshit to you, well this is just my own opinion, to which I make no claim has it's origin in the mind of greatness.

The way I have been thinking about this recently is Spending Time vs Wasting Time. Spending Time is self care while Wasting Time is not. Spending time is doing leisure activities or anything that bring me joy that is long lasting. Wasting Time is doing something just to be distracting for the moment but once its done I don't feel really rested and relaxed. These Time Wasting activities give a little pleasure but I always feel a little bored during or afterwards. What is spending time and wasting time can change based on your values and what have been doing recently.

If we are using food as an example, spending time is a pot pie and wasting time is popcorn. Pot pies are healthy, filling and comforting when eating it and it lasts. Popcorn is satisfying while eating it but doesn't last and isn't that healthy. Nothing wrong with some popcorn but you can't live off it along. Spending time on the internet for me is like Popcorn. I do it often but I can't have it be all my leisure time or else I feel bored.

I really enjoyed Pleasure Activism to understand what is true lasting pleasure. It is not for everyone, since its a large number of short stories / essays with a specific viewpoint but its useful to think about.

Ice Cream is almost always self care

It's a broad category.

Good health practices are the foundation--diet, exercise, hygiene, sleep, hydration, etc. Then it comes down to things that contribute to your happiness. Things that just kill time aren't really fulfilling for the most part, you want something that feels like you're actually developing some happiness in a more time-investment sort of way. This usually involves either creating or improving something in some fashion. What form this takes varies tremendously from person to person, for some its learning, it can be art, it can be gardening, it can be social activities, it can even be watching movies if you're actively consuming, where you're thinking and growing as you watch. Common with movie buffs who can break down the ins and outs of films, they acquired that skill by watching and thinking about lots of different movies. For a big sports fan, watching or playing sports can qualify.

The key that binds them all together is there's something that can progress, something that you value that can be built further up or otherwise gained.

When they say self care, they want you to think about things in this way. Like, smoking a whole shitload of weed might be really enjoyable, but is there anything developed or gained there? If not, even though it might feel good, that wouldn't be self care.

Star working out at home or do yoga at home. Notice how you feel afterwards, try to find that feeling in other things like hobbies, dinners, whatever.That's a simple start.

The word self care is just the modern capsule we put whatever the meaning of that feeling inside of.

I don't think there's even a definitive category for it, it's basically anything that you do because you like it. Like splurging on food once in a while, watching good movie, take a day off and just relax, go out for a walk, going the vacation you always wanted to, buy that thing that you've been keep on hold for some times, pet a snake, go for a hike, anything that you can do to yourself and can help you calm yourself down and makes you happy.

They always asked this because everyone is so different, defining it for their patient is hard, you need to know it yourself. How long ago since you've changed your afterwork habit? Maybe they think you doing the same thing over and over again is the reason you're stuck in this situation? Baring being send by someone else demand, you gonna need to know why you seek therapy in the first place. Actually THEY need to help you figure out, so i understand why you said they're terrible at that.

Personally, doing "selfcare" is doing something i like that i don't do regularly. Getting froyo is one, splurging on food is another, hiking as well.

Self care is pretty much what you make of it.

But the key is that it is something that makes life more bearable, improves your situation, and/or makes you relaxed/happy.

However, it isn't work related, it isn't something that you do because you're obligated (because it ends up being a stressor eventually, even when it's something otherwise beneficial), and it isn't things that are just pleasure seeking like smoking weed, even though it may well fit other criteria. That last is because chasing pleasure ends up causing as much trouble as help.

But, yeah, if you have minimal responsibilities, don't have much work stress, and you're fulfilled by how you spend your time, you don't really need the psychological types of self care, though you might need more physical self care like exercise.

In my experience, it's usually a term used to sell you something. Often, it's a ploy to get you to shell out the money for a luxury good under the guise that it's somehow good for you.

If a therapist is telling it to you, it seems a bit lazy to me. Really, i think they should be saying something along the lines of "make sure to keep some of your time intentionally set aside to do things you enjoy".

For me, it's things that I enjoy, but which might not be productive on their own. I need to be able to focus on something like that for a long time, occasionally. That's probably not the right word for it, but since it benefits me, I call it self-care. Sort of like video games, but not always.