this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2025
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Those signatures at the bottom of the column...
and Steve Hannah, Onion CEO on the date of the article's publication on Feb 17 2023.
are the only ones that are legible.
Bottom right is probably Mary Kay Letourneau although a quick google doesn't turn up any samples of her signature.
Reddit people identified the top left as T H Zweibel, fictional owner of the Onion
Top right Joe (something) #19 doesn't match up with the few athletes with first name Joe and the #19 that I checked. Someone on reddit said it's Joe Sakic, a hockey player, but it doesn't match his autographs.
Again someone on reddit said middle right is Benedict Arnold, but again, this doesn't match any samples of the signatures that come up.
Thank you for your research