The Onion

(Ogden, UT) As the White House attempts to find every angle on Charlie Kirk’s death to drown out the Epstein Files, word is circulating of a miracle relating to the recently dead Kirk’s clothing. A blind hospital employee cleaning the operating room, where surgeons tried to save Kirk’s life, has reported that after handling the remains of his shirt, he has developed a sudden distrust of black people. “Of course, I don’t want to say black people. But I am trying to be polite,” the man said on condition of anonymity.

Republicans are thrilled with the news. “This man used to be a rational member of society, and now he is out buying a gun for his protection,” said KC Crosby, co-chair of the republican party. “And I am assured, if he hadn’t been wearing gloves, he’d hate brown people, too. Maybe even able to see!”

Calls to the Vatican have received muted responses, as republicans demand to beatify Kirk as a Saint immediately. “The church has racist Saints, yes,” said one Cardinal speaking off the record. “But we don’t make you a Saint just for being racist… not any more, as least. They probably want to find an openly racist church, which is not difficult in America.”

Enter the KKK, who claim their strong religious background qualifies them to beatify Kirk. Klan members have already begun placing images of Kirk on crosses, and - disturbingly - burning them. Still, they feel this is what Kirk would want for his legacy.

“Charlie is a religious figure now, and we can only hope he is burning there in the afterlife like we honor him here.”