Posting this here because I'm unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things aren't perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I don't know that I see the rest of my life with her, but we've been together over a year now and I don't have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I can't get my ex out of my head. I've spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I don't know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I don't love her, I don't want to be with her, I don't want her in my life. And ahe isn't, but I'm still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who I've talked at length with about this but I don't know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my "type", so maybe it's just she's more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it would've been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now there's a small hole in the puzzle.
I don't know, it's kinda maddening. I don't have most social media, so it's easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except it's just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (I'm well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I don't love her, at least I don't think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like I'm emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; I'm not knowingly lying to my partner). I don't know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but it's clearly not. And I've put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like I'm just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar it's over. It's been over. There's no changing the past, and if I could, I don't think I would've reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasn't anti-weed but didn't appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didn't handle the breakup well. I didn't do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasn't okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I don't really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why I'm hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldn't have been who I am now without her and without being without her. I'm just so fucking unsure man.
I'm sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which I'm trying to do. I just don't feel like it's the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me I'm an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasn't ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and I've got some new leads on how to debug this issue. I'm trying to respond to everyone and I can't express how appreciative I am.
Your feelings/instincts do not care about your rational thoughts. The thoughts are something that's tacked on afterwards. Most of the time we simply use the thoughts to explain our emotions, instead of using the thoughts as an initial source of what to do. The fact that we use thoughts to override our emotions is a relatively new thing.
Also, we as a species have very strong mate preference as soon as we have sex with someone. Our face memory is extremely good. This is obviously to ensure that whatever offspring you create has better survival chances since their parents stay together. Nature doesn't know about contraception. Whatever triggered your pair-bond instinct assumes you might have babies right now. You as a male don't go through pregnancy, so you have no "trigger" that tells your biological processes "we have a baby now" - it's safe to assume since you had lots of sex, there's likely a baby there now.
Also, the first love is always the strongest emotionally. I'm 33 now and still think about the girl I was in love with as a teenager sometimes. That's not a rare occurrence.
I would like to ask you three things:
What did your therapist say to this?
Look deep inside you... are you lonely right now?
And last, why do you say that you don't know if you see the rest of your life with your current partner?
My therapist is in the camp (as am i) that this is just going to take a lot of time and effort to heal. Another commenter used the term "what ifs" and i think that's most of the issue. I've come a long way in this but when the progress is slow and steady, sometimes it feels like you're not moving. i think with time, as it already has, it will fade from throbbing to sore to aching (current) to an occasional tightness.
in many ways yes, but it's mainly because for the last few months of 2023 I had entered a self isolation as my work is remote and my classes were on break. i was home most of the time so I spent a lot of time with my partner and sometimes with friends (mainly scheduling issues and miscommunications, but also lack of effort from my part). the isolation was to dive deep into the issue and i believed i moved from the sore part to the aching part. it took a bit of time to debug all of those issues, but with effort and psychedelics i was able to move further onwards. it's a slow journey onwards, but I'm sure the way forward is just continuous introspection and chipping away at the issue. to help with that i am making an effort to be more social and stay connected to my friends this year.
i think we may be at two very different parts of our lives and emotional journey. we're both in college and are similar ages, it's just our future plans and desires feel like they diverge a lot, and I am working on getting to a very specific position in my field that will require me to have a fast paced and busy lifestyle. i can't guarantee a lot of the traditional aspects of stability in a relationship, because i don't desire that stability for myself. theres also that due to the aforementioned relationship, i question if this one will fall apart similarly; we realize we're growing in different directions in life and it's better dor ourselves if we break up. Or even as simply as i question if this is just a college relationship. i believe in us and our relationship, but there are so many unaccounted variables, including at times myself.
Interesting :)
To me it sounds like there simply are certain things in your previous relationship that you really liked, even though in total it was the "right" thing to do to break up. And maybe that right now, you aren't really getting these things that you really liked. And naturally, as humans, we always want to do better, be better, have it all. And it's very hard, in my experience, to come to terms with the fact that it may not be possible to "have it all". Maybe I'm completely wrong, if I am, just disregard me :D
I don't think you're necessarily wrong, I think it's just the issues are a lot deeper buried so it's difficult to account for Thank you for taking the time to respond though!
Don't overburden yourself with these thoughts. If you don't see them in the rest of your life because of red flags, that's one thing, but if you don't see them in the rest of your life because you're unsure, that's totally fine. Take it day by day, week by week, month by month.
Maybe give this advice after you know what their answer is? :D Could certainly be good advice, but I don't think it makes sense to shy away from trying to answer at all.
Right yea, I actually mean to say that "I agreed with the caveat of ...", but while furiously editing my comment I lost that