There has been a lot of good in not consuming weed for me. However, I wish I was as chill as I was when I was using. Even that's a misnomer because I was much more neurotic and upset about things that I can either let go or have been disabused of. But in exchange for the clarity of sobriety I've become much too... orchestrated to feel good under the influence. It no longer feels good, on the contrary, a modest edible gave me dysphoria from the rush in my head. It's been years since I've felt nervous about walking into a social situation (because of the socializing), but if I smoke I shrivel into silence immediately and feel like I'm missing out. I don't fuck with driving while high so I become more dependent. I have a habit of thinking haunting thoughts to myself which aren't exactly... constructive criticism. There's a smell that comes with smoking. I can't be around children, in the gym, the elderly, or my family and feel good about it.
But I remember right after finishing my first novel. I took a flower cooking vape out into a field under the stars while there was a little snow on the ground. It was cold so I was in my favorite jacket and I was alone. I pretended I was in a circle with characters from the book (just like I would do drugs with my friends) and that the Aurora Borealis was in the sky. It was really peaceful in a way that escapes me anymore.
I miss being able to feel at ease. I used to be a heavy sleeper, a belly laugher, and an irreverent asshole. Now I wonder how plot points contribute to the climax and which subplots need to be scrubbed and changed to get more impact in fewer words. I have a hard gaze when I'm thinking. It's interesting
thank you for doing your part for the revolution
That post made it seem like there's some differentiation between trafficking and prostitution. Which would presumably be to say they were not coerced.