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I turned away from her, disgusted, and went to the refrigerator to make myself a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

—Octavia E. Butler, Mind of My Mind, 1977

Part I: Handbook for the Recently Diseased

Hello? Are you there? It’s me, Barabule Cuterescu, your friendly Moldovan potato, currently lying frozen in the ground in a small village in northeastern Romania, otherwise known as the Moldova region. If this is your first time meeting me, just know I was roped into writing about Romania close to five years ago now, and this will be my final dispatch to you losers in the US, given that you basically live in Romania now, but only worse: you live in Russia in 1993, and you are about to picked clean by the vultures of avarice.

I know most people in the US don’t read, and they definitely don’t read Russian books, let alone Romanian books. Things were bad enough when I went to university in your miserable country during the 2010s, but apparently now there are first-year students at Harvard who have never read a novel, or a book, cover to cover. They simply can’t. Keep in mind, I grew up around people who couldn’t read, but they were peasants living in huts, not the pampered children of New England oligarchs.

Truth be told, I’m glad your shithole country is finally revealing itself to the world, because now maybe the world will realize they don’t need you, that you fuck everything up, and that, more importantly, you need to mind your own fucking business, because you literally can’t take care of yourselves. This is mostly why I’m writing to you now, because the EU has finally glimpsed the writing on the wall, and now the content of all my dispatches can finally add up to the plain, revolting truth.

But let’s get back to reading, which you’re theoretically doing right now. I mentioned Russian literature earlier, and that’s because there’s a very clear Russian poetry to what’s happening in the shithole USA. Just like Russia was sold off for scrap to the highest bidder throughout the 1990s, so will your country. Just like Russia had to watch a braindead drunk spout CIA propaganda as he sold off their vital infrastructure, you will have to listen to a braindead poopy-pants spout FSB propaganda as he sells off your vital infrastructure. Anyway, it’s a shame no one reads in your country, because the poetry is a bit much, and Russia is always heavy handed, to say the least.

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Tasering people for protesting MTG's inside trading. The goobers on Wall Street subreddits should love that. Redditors hate insider trading. Harvest that sweet karma. Archive link: https://archive.ph/H5N1d

When do people start really fighting back? This is getting insane. It's going to be too late very soon.