“I regret to announce that I have died”
this post was submitted on 02 Sep 2025
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chapotraphouse
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"many people say, you can't take a shit that big! They come to me and say, there's no way you can shit out your doodoo ass so much and do powerfully, very strong turds, great turds folks. Sad day for America, because I, Donald J Trump, President of America, have shit myself to death. Thank you for your attention to this matter."
Wouldn't be the first amerikkkan president to die of shitting.
"Reports of my death have not been exaggerated"
"i have cancer" "we are going to war with venezuela" "we're bringing back trump steaks to save the economy folks its gonna be yuge"
(roll a 3-sided die)
The last option is the dumbest and therefore the most likely
A steer in every back yard, from Maine to Hawaii. Making pig-beef.
All three, in that order
My brain has broken over 3 sided dice thank you for your service
It doesn’t say Trump. It says The President. Inshallah it’s a speech by President Vance
This is the parlay I was looking for
"Here's what I would look like if i were black or chinese"
:trudeau:
It's gotta be Metroid Prime 4
Wrong
spoiler
Half Life 3
And he's joining the console race
"As of this moment all PlayStations are banned from the country. You must use the big beautiful Microsoft."
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In order of probability judged by my expert analysis
- Something about tariffs
- Chicago takeover
- Venezuela invasion
- Stop being mean to me, I'm a very healthy boy with no strokes
"My doctors say - with tears in their eyes - you are the most strong and powerful president ever. No strokes. No strokes. Not even - sometimes - mini-strokes that sounds maybe good maybe like a kind of candy." He goes sing-song ""Mini-strokes mini-strokes mini-strokes - the kind of candy that you like." He returns to normal. "But bad. Like big strokes but mini. Can't happen so never happen. Ever. No slurred words." The last three words are slurred.
Ni hao my fellow Amerikkkans. Tomorrow I will be travelling to China to personally attend the celebration of the 80th anniversary of the victory in the War against Japanese Aggression and the World Anti-Fascist War. The United States of America welcomes the Chinese Century. We are removing all tariffs on Chinese products. All US companies will have a member of the Communist Party of China on their board of directors.
I just died? wow, i didnt know that you're just telling me for the first time. I led an amazing life, what else can you say, i was an amazing man. Whether you agreed or not i was an amazing man, who led an amazing life. I am saddened to hear that, thank you very much.
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Please let this be an announcement that ghosts are real.
Isn't this when Trump's self imposed "50 day deadline" for the war in Ukraine to end expires?
Remember, Israel started bombing Iran just after Trump's self imposed 60 day deadline for a nuclear deal expired. Not saying that will happen of course, just added context. Maybe more sanctions on Russia?
More sanctions on Russia's trading partners as I'm not sure more sanctions on Russia will do much at this point. That or he goes for a two-sides thing, sanctions Russia's trading partners AND Ukraine and blames them both while talking about how it's Biden's fault.
I have no doubt the SCO summit which seems to be trying to herald the end of western hegemony is weighing on him and he probably is angry about that and wants to punish those most involved (China, India) so sanctions on trade with Russia accomplish that. Though he could also kick the can down the road 2 weeks, go to China for the big impressive parade and then slap on the sanctions though I find that unlikely.
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I went to Turkey and got lipo! They threw in a BBL! They said Trump your ass is perfect but I said throw it in anyway!
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I will also be making an unspecified announcement around that time should I remember to
"Folks - my announcement is.... toarmspunies do forgot to make your announcement. I am looking forward to it. Thank you for your attention to this matter." And there's an edit. YMCA starts playing and there are the best clips of Trump dancing.
He's putting himself into cryogenic suspended animation until they find a cure for being old and fucked up.
Vance can be "acting" president but somehow Trump's term continues until he's reanimated, plus three years.
He's gonna cancel Taylor Swift's wedding
Taylor... Bad... Bad... Very, very bad. I'm sorry but the wedding is off. Totally off. You're a democrat so I hate you. But you're too good for that meathead, Taylor. So the wedding is 100% off.
My guess is it'll be a generic prerecorded announcement made weeks ago about anything that is basically always relevant just to try and cover for him being beating on deaths door
Place your bets now folks!
That he died but is born again and given a second chance so all his sins are clear and he is going to heaven and then he dies on 9/11.
I had to click three fucking articles until I got a source link I could trust. Fucking media.
It could be that he is announcing that he has won another golf tournament or that he is calling a national emergency and directing the National Guard to dismantle all windmills. Perhaps, he is nominating Hannibal Lecter to be the new Director of the CDC.^[https://xcancel.com/jchmcl09/status/1962709772030873857]
An AI generated Trump message would be wild
LLMs are designed to produce coherent-lookimg prose. Do you know how much Diet Squirt they had to pour into the server cabinets to get something damaged enough to emulate Trumpian grammar?
That would be my favorite thing.
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- Forces the Department of Education to reinstate Trump University's accreditation
- Dies
It's an appearance where no one can be in attendance, but there is a video, that suspiciously seems kinda AI-ish...
JD Vance will murder Trump on live TV
Venezuela invasion?
I died badly. Buy my crypto
Hello. Hello everyone. Can somebody call me an ambulance because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that my mummy. I really want my mummy because I'm not being dramatic, I think I might be dead. Is that clear, Mummy or Ambulance?
hes fired
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