Asklemmy

I'm in my 40s and I feel great being able to spend my time the way I want, and not have to worry about providing for kids. I've had time to develop new hobbies, read books, play games, and have a generally carefree lifestyle. I have friends who had kids, and kids have basically become their whole life. It's just not for me.

My life didn’t start until my 40s and so I’m really grateful to have the opportunity to discover myself and do the things that I want to do and not be tied down to the needs of others. It feels amazing.

I do want to add, I never wanted kids or get married. My childhood dream was to connect to my inner compass, be authentic and express myself freely. I am grateful to be able to actualize this.

When I'm out and about and I see parents dragging their whiny kids around, I'm filled with such relief I have peace and quiet in my life.

Beats the alternative.

Turn 40 in about a month and let me tell you, it's dope AF. I've got more friends than I know what to do with, having way more fun than in my 20s and I'm not tied down to raising a kid. I go to cons and adventures all the time that I couldn't do nor afford if I had kids. Having kids always grossed me out. I've got friends with kids that I can corrupt as needed.

50F who never wanted kids.

I am lonely at times, but so are many others who have children. Most with grown children are more lonely than I am because they lose a deep connection that became central to their very being as their children grow and part. That is true even for people with good relationships with their grown children and increases with age pretty consistently in America.

There are opportunity costs regardless of how you spend your effort in this life. Parents spend most of their effort in the care and raising of another human. Even if they do a poor job of it, parenting at its bare minimum takes a lot of effort. I spent my efforts on education, work, hobbies and friends. I have money, independence and a deep love for learning. They have companionship, support systems and share a deep love with their children.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and they now have their own children. I love them and show up when I am needed. They do the same for me. But it is at a distance. I have never been that interested in hanging out with them and doing family things. I do attend some family events. I bring a fun energy when I do attend stuff. But I miss more than I attend and I am good with that.

Overall, I think I made the right choice and I feel pretty good about it.

Married, happy, and doing financially ok (house paid off but no real savings). Life would have been a lot harder with kids.

Wanted kids, got married and careered at the right time to fund kids, then wife had a major mental breakdown after funking out of college, developed schizophrenia, and now has the mentality of a kid. Some days a toddler, some days a high schooler. I've been the only household income since marriage year 2, and I can't afford to deal with a pregnancy from that mental state or be basically a single parent afterward.

I'm considering adoption of teens after I retire and the assumed passing of my wife as she has a small pile of other health issues at this point slowly eating away at her.

I am approaching 40, and I still don't want any, but i am deeply lonely and depressed as friendships are fading out of my life due to their children and my constant movement and disinterest.

i have no plan for the end of my life. since I won't be able to do much at that time anyway, I'm not sure that it matters. I'm willing to suffer through it and possibly kill myself if it means that im able to live my best years with the most freedom.

Every member of my lineage: "I will never do to my kids what my parents did to me" before doing exactly that.

Me: "I will never do to my kids what my parents did to me" fucking aced it

You're correct. I didn't mean that 40 was itself too old, only that there is a certain point at which they'll be too old for biological kids. No one is ever too old to find a new relationship though.

Mid-40s: it feels fine. It both complicates and un-complicates various things for later in life, but that's life.

I do like kids, but never wanted my own (at least biologically; I never fully ruled out adoption). We have nieces and nephews we can spoil instead of our own, heh.

Something that only occurred to me just now is that when I was in my 20s and early 30s and still assumed I'd have children (despite that looming self imposed pressure feeling exactly like dread), the parent-child relationship I had imagined in my head was set in the past.

I grew up in the 90s and early 00s. I'm an elder millennial. I think my gen was very lucky in that we got to see and enjoy the rapid emergence of technology before today's capitalistic enshittification but our interpersonal dynamics and everything we did didn't rely on it either. So the 'come home when it gets dark' or 'I'll meet you at 4 at the cinema' mentality was still strong. No social media or inability to switch off the connection to other people.

We also didn't have the existential crises that come with thinking about climate change, the death of truth and the rise of misinformation, and the next pandemic.

So when I was picturing raising a child it was in a dated context that for the most part doesn't exist anymore. Yes there's exceptions to everything - I'm speaking in a very general sense - but I cannot imagine myself growing up in today's world. I had a hard enough time back then, with similar struggles most kids have. How the fuck would I help my own child navigate it???

No thanks.

Meh depression is killing it, but I don't think I'd be a good parent. I would probably be just fine but would rather help someone already here. Who knows.

Or has ups and downs.

I always wanted kids. So it's a constant source of regret and emptyness.

On the other hand, life is cheaper. I can do what I want when I want. I'm not wrapped in worrying about my kids all the time.

I'm 38, wife is 40, absolutely heartbreaking. We've been trying for 5 years, went to the NHS for IVF, but because of the pandemic we "aged out" of multiple rounds. The one go we had didn't result in pregnancy, and if we can't conceive with as many rounds as we can afford private were planning to adopt. Which is pretty difficult in the UK actually.

Been trying for 6 years. Not desperately, but it would be nice. Thinking about getting chickens.

Honestly? Kinda lonely. I'll be 40 in a few months. I'm a woman, if the perspective matters .

I was engaged to the man I thought I'd marry and have kids with, but it didn't turn out to be the case, and although I learned how to choose better and what to look out for, I also wonder if I'm ever going to get to have a family of my own. It's been 6 years now since that fell apart, and I had to do a lot in that time to get back onto my feet, but the few relationships I've had since then are fleeting. Men seem afraid of commitment now, and it's hard not to completely fall to the idea that I'm just too old, which is what society is consistently screaming at me.

I don't feel old.

I am tired of searching though. At some point I will get to where I'm too old and that makes me sad to think about.

Like Freedom. I love my niece and nephew and enjoy spending time with them. But if I had to feed, clothe, clean up after, provide for, and entertain them 24 hours a day (not even considering when they were babies!)... I literally cannot imagine it.

Erm… normal I guess. I don’t know what it would feel like with children.

What I do know is I would be a terrible parent, I only got my shit together in my late thirties and I wouldn’t have been a good parent, so it’s good for the kids that I didn’t have any.

Best decision my (now ex) wife and I ever made. Not because we are divorced now. But because

a) I'm free to live my own life. and

b) Even back when kids was an option, she and I both kind of saw the world that was coming and decided that we didn't want to subject our children or grandchildren to the world that was turning to shit.

Looking around today, I feel absolutely vindicated for taking that stance back in the early 2000's when I was married.