Asklemmy

Sheer bloody-mindedness.

I don’t.

I shot myself in the head last fall and just woke up like nothing had happened. Then I promptly experienced a powerful mandela effect. The most powerful and undeniable one in my life (because the thing that changed is something I had experienced in its “old” version a few days before I did the deed).

I’m pretty sure what that means is that when I die, I transition to the nearest universe where I didn’t.

It made me realize that I might be here an extremely long time, and that leaving is not an option no matter how dark it gets.

Since then, I have had a gusto and commitment to life that I never had before. I’ve been kind of suicidal my whole life. Always keeping it in the back of my head: if things get bad enough, I’ll just go.

But now my escape boats are burned, and my only choice is forward.

The experience has actually been really wonderful. It’s so much easier to get myself moving. I just remind myself that if I don’t take care of my shit now, the next ten thousand years are really gonna suck.

I like to joke that it’s because my mum is still alive and I wouldn’t do that to her, but honestly even if I’m not happy I do pass the time by entertaining myself and I may as well stick it out.

I want to do stuff

At my lowest:

• I wanted to get out of the pit just so I could help others get out too. But I'd admit I haven't actually realised this commitment. I just ask people how they feel and try to listen to everyone.
• I did not want to give anyone the pleasure to know that I gave up, that I could not take it anymore. That they won.
• I'd prefer to not cause suffering to my loved ones.

Now, I think life is both a gift and a responsability. And, right now, I want to fulfill this responsability I have towards others.

Anyways, I wish you all an existence that is worth going through.

I don't have ths balls to kill myself, nor access to guns. Other methods tend to have lower rates of success, and a failed suicide attempt is a pretty scary thought. While unlikely, even shot to the head can be survived. Especially if you accidentally move the gun while pulling the trigger which I heard does happen, only causing severe brain damage, but not death.

So yeah, I've got no balls and nobody else to kill me. That's about it. Not worth the risk yet.

I'm just in trial mode. I tried to quit in January, but randomness stoped it. Now I'm just testing if there is something worth it. So far, is not that good, but I'm still halfway the trial.

I'm really enjoying my life and I'm happy. I wouldn't trade that for anything!

Because I know how much my funeral would suck

I don't want my parents to experience my death / want to make sure they are helped in their last years. I've told them that there's an expiration onn that though. Like, you wanna live to 100? You'll be doing it without me.

I thought I'd just travel a bit and do nothing until I'm broke before I end it, but life was great then. Now I've sacrificed 10+ years trying to save some money for who knows what. Got to make it worth the sacrifice before I go

because dying is painful!!!

Food

I don't truly know what happens to us after death but I believe it's likely nothing so I want to have as much of something as possible. As I heard once, suicide is a permanent solution to what can only be a temporary problem. We all die in the end anyway.

Also, as far as lives go mine is pretty good. At least I think so. I don't have any health problems, I have a job that pays more than enough for me to live comfortably, a house with a lot of possessions I like in it, and a cat.

It could be better. There's a few things I can think of that would improve it. Some are pretty much impossible and some would be very difficult but there's some that are probably within my reach, I'm just not putting in the effort to try to attain them.

Honestly? Not sure. More afraid of missing out than anything else.

I still have more cigarettes to smoke.

Living is fun and I have people I love and care for deeply, that make me see the world through alternative angles that deepen my appreciation.

Suicide is easy. And painless. You can be dead before you feel anything. If you haven't figured that out or have some other excuse, you're not really ready to go yet. Try to find out why.

I ain't going yet cuz I got shit to do.

That being said, I'll never live long enough to retire. Tapping out long before that.