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The original was posted on /r/maliciouscompliance by /u/WordWizardx on 2024-04-07 07:39:36.
This is an old one from back when I was in 6th grade and school computers were still in labs. There was a guy in my class I’ll call Jason, who was that certain breed of showoff common to the early 90s - the one who totally knows kung fu but just can’t show you right now, and who makes loud fart noises every time the teacher turns around, and is more concerned with belching the alphabet than with learning to spell. Unfortunately, one of my friends was “dating” Jason (as much as a 6th grader can) so he was always hanging around.
We got to the dreaded Five Paragraph Essay assignment and Jason showed up with a crumpled notebook page. He was a terrible typist and always asked me (the nerd of our group) to type his work up for him. I, being twelve and wanting to keep my friend happy, usually did it. For whatever reason, this essay was my last straw, so I typed it exactly as written. Except instead of fixing his spelling as I went, I tried interpreting his terrible handwriting literally - and as wrongly as possible whenever there was ambiguity. It wuz am umreodable mass.
My friend was mad at me, but he never asked again. (He also had been held back two grades by the time we turned 18, and is now a tractor salesman, so I guess he never needed that five paragraph essay anyway.)