Chapotraphouse

sup chat, apparently I make really good collard greens, they are probably one of the things I most consistently get the most compliments on, and I don't get it because they're really easy to cook. a baby could do it if someone told that baby what to do. Here's how I do it:

I dice or julienne some onion, red or white, it doesn't matter (I usually do red because I like the color more). Hell, you could do shallots if you're feeling fr*nch

Prep them greens. you could theoretically keep the stem on and cut them into small bite sized cross sections and it'll probably be tender enough after thorough cooking, but like, idk, I cut that shit off. If I have big leaves I take a knife and basically cut a very narrow V around the stem up to 2/3rds to 3/4ths of the way up the leaf (where the stem gets thin enough that it won't be tough) and pull it off, then I roll up a bunch of leaves together and slice it into inch wide ribbons. If I have small leaves I go "fuck doing that" and just rip all the good leaf bits off the stems with my hands

don't forget to wash that shit if they're dirty and gritty, yo

now what you're gonna need is some garlic powder, onion powder, raw minced garlic, some stock (vegan chicken stock is better than veg. stock imo. Chicken stock if you're not vegan, obviously), and some sort of vinegar. Red wine vinegar is good, apple cider vinegar is good, but I'm not the boss of what acid you use. A little bit of cayenne, paprika, or chili powder (just to add a little spice, you want White People spicy at MOST)

Once you get all that, get a big ol' skillet. Those collard greens are going to cook down to like 1/6th their original volume btw so keep that in mind

get whatever oil you like hot hot hot and throw in that onion, throw in a few fingerfuls of salt, cook it until it starts to brown, then lower the heat, let those bad boys start to caramelize a bit. This will vary widely in how much time it takes depending on how hot you keep it, how often you stir, how caramelized you want them, etc. But like at least like 10ish minutes of medium heat after they start to brown, you gotta get some flavor in there.

Once they're sufficiently browned, throw in the minced garlic, stir stir stir, let it cook for about a minute or two. I like to throw in the chili powder now and toast it a little bit but maybe that's some weird shit I do. Anyway, once the garlic is good, throw in them greens and stir it up and fold the cooked onions/garlic/oil over the greens, stirring, until they start to wilt.

After you get a good saute on them and they're wilting, dump in the stock, vinegar, and anything else I forgot to mention. Stir it up and scrape up any good browned bits from the onion/garlic, then just cook that shit on high heat until the collards fully wilt and reduce in size and the liquid in the pan has reduced a good amount (like, 1/5th the initial amount of liquid including liquid let off by the greens)

at this point if you haven't already, like, taste it and adjust seasonings/salt/pepper, maybe add some hot sauce if you like it like that

btw I'm bad with quantities but so basically cooking enough collard greens to feed 50 people I threw in like, maybe half a quart of stock (bouillon powder or concentrate is better tbh because it's just for flavor, you don't need extra moisture), and like 1.25 cups of red wine vinegar. If you're making an amount for like, yourself at home, I would use maybe like 2-4 tablespoons of vinegar at most|

anyway that's pretty much it. Once you get the basic steps down you can freestyle a bit, like today I added tomato paste, brown sugar, habanero powder, etc., going for more of a sweeter barbecue flavor profile. oh shit I should have added liquid smoke, that mighta been interesting.....

good luck chat hope your greens turn out good