this post was submitted on 24 Apr 2025
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Well, whether or not it makes you a bad person now is up to you.
Regret, shame, they're a great start, but they're not enough to make you a good person.
Number one is taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. Yeah, some of that is fixed by getting older and developing more. But not all of it. The proclivity to follow others alone is something you have to root out of yourself.
But a big factor is what you do with what already happened. Have you tried to make amends? Not everyone will want to deal with you again, and even those that will give you a chance might not accept any apologies. And you have to accept that, because an apology to make yourself feel better isn't an apology, it's a continuation of your abuse to others.
You fucked with people, now you gotta make it right.
Raise you kids better than you were raised. Teach them not to conform with the bullying schools encourage.
I had stole money from my brother in the past and recently I have paid him back for it and apologized to him. As far as the other things they happened when I was a little kid at school. I remember the people I effected but I donβt know how to get in touch with them to make amends
I recommend against searching for people to 'make amends' for a few reasons.
They might not remember it. Your attempt could trigger forgotten old memories, causing them stress you don't intend.
They might not forgive you. Are you prepared to handle that? You make a gesture of good faith and they reject it, how to you react? That's a rhetorical question, don't actually answer it because no one knows exactly how they will react, it's just something to consider and reflect on.
Trying to make amends would be you, trying to seek resolution to a conflict created by you, hoping for someone else to forgive you. Notice a pattern there? It would be you making things about you, which might be seen as a selfish humble brag or some may think it is part of a scam of some kind and trust you less.
It might turn out that the people you seek out have turned as bad as you once were, or perhaps they always were and you never noticed. Your efforts would be wasted on them.
That brings me to my suggestion. Move forward. Learn from your past mistakes to prepare for a better tomorrow. Do good things now, try to find ways to do it without getting any attention for it.
Don't make your good deeds a badge to wear because then it loses its significance. An anonymous kind stranger is better than a politician donating to a fake charity, if that makes sense.
If you happen to run into someone you once bullied, apologize sincerely. If they seem down on their luck, ask if you can help in any way but don't put pressure on them. You wouldn't want them to feel ashamed for receiving help, right?
From now on, try to be a positive force. Do what you can to ensure the future has less people like you once were and more people like how you hope to be.
For what it's worth, I would have appreciated as a victim if my bullies seeked me out and truly apologized to me. It would've restored a little faith in humanity. I don't care now anymore, but there was a time.
Of course, any feeling that the apology was fake or forced would have ruined the whole thing and had the opposite effect.
I've had it happen to me twice surprisingly enough.
The first one was genuinely sorry and apologized to the point it was almost annoying. He actually had tears in his eyes welling up, which shocked me, as he was 6'6" (203cm) and probably 300 pounds with very little body fat, full beard, just a terrifying looking massive man. Hargid from Harry Potter. I learned later that he regularly volunteered at a local food pantry among other things and really seemed to have turned around since high school.
The other one was a guy who was friends with the first one, back in high school. He didn't know the other guy had apologized and turned his life around. He gave a half assed apology but was only there as a friend of one of my friends and didn't know who i was at first, not until i mentioned where i went to school casually. i could tell he didn't really care. later that week he waited outside my apartment for me to leave for work, broke in, stole a guitar and an amp, then pawned them for heroin money. i only learned who it was that broke in after my friend who brought the guy, found out and apologized for bringing him over.
It's a weird world sometimes. never know how people will turn out.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing. How did those encounters affect you?
The first one gave me some hope in humanity. The second one took some away. I think I'm more cautious now with people but at the same time I try to be forgiving more, just in case. I don't like to brag about my good deeds I've done, since I believe some people see that as a form of weakness and will target people who appear nice. Sometimes it can be hard to be uncaring however. Overall I'd say they didn't change much about me, they were simply a form of building experience.
Thanks. I really appreciate the advice
Doesn't have to be all at once, or even immediate. It's a process. Reunions, alumni activities, that kind of thing are going to give you the start. You run into someone that knows someone, you ask if they'll help you make contact.