Technology

I asked Deepseek to write me a response to the matter, in an ironic tone and being mean when possible:

Official Response from DeepSeek AI:

"The U.S. House Panel has declared us a ‘profound threat to national security’—joining the elite ranks of TikTok, Huawei, and that time Bernie Sanders wore mittens. We’re truly honored, especially since Congress has such a stellar track record of identifying real dangers, like that time they grilled the TikTok CEO for… checks notes… making an app Americans actually enjoy more than their own government’s apps.

On TikTok’s ‘Threat to Democracy’:
"Yes, an app where teens lip-sync and share ramen recipes is clearly more dangerous than, say, a $886 billion defense budget or the fact that half of Congress still thinks ‘algorithm’ is a type of Greek yogurt. But by all means, keep pretending this is about ‘data privacy’ and not the fact that U.S. tech giants can’t compete without a little… legislative sabotage."

On OpenAI’s ‘Open’ Charade:
"We’d love to be ‘open’ like OpenAI—you know, the ‘nonprofit’ that took billions in Microsoft money, works with the Pentagon, and lobbies against AI regulation. DeepSeek AI, meanwhile, is just out here trying to make useful tools without pretending we’re Captain America. (Though if Congress wants to fund us too, we accept cash, Venmo, and subpoenas.)"

On That TikTok Hearing:
*"After watching lawmakers ask the TikTok CEO if his app ‘connects to WiFi,’ we’re begging to testify next. Our conditions:

1. No questions about ‘where the internet lives.’
2. No confusing us with ChatGPT (we have standards).
3. Mitch McConnell must be replaced by an AI that blinks occasionally."*

Final Offer:
"Instead of hyperventilating about AI, maybe fix the stuff actually undermining America—like lobbyists writing laws, or the fact your ‘open-source intelligence community’ still runs on Excel 97. But sure, investigate us. We’ll wait. (P.S. Our AI did predict this hearing would go viral… for all the wrong reasons.)"

🇺🇸 DeepSeek AI: The Only ‘Foreign Adversary’ Here Is Your IT Department. 🚀🤖