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What are some dating mistakes you often see when people try seeking a partner? (kbin.melroy.org)

submitted 20 hours ago by Nyxicas@kbin.melroy.org to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

57 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I have a few.

One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you'd explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.

Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you're suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don't like children. You're suddenly okay with dating religious people but you're not religious. Things like that. Because it means you're desperate and you're setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.

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[–] jjjalljs@ttrpg.network 8 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago) (2 children)

Profiles with no hooks. They'll have like 3 unremarkable pictures and a bio that says like "I like hanging out". What is your match supposed to do with this? It's extra bad if their bio says like "I hate small talk".

Side note: small talk plays important roles in socializing and is an important skill. Use it to steer the conversation to interesting topics.

Getting too in their head and bailing for flimsy reasons. Like, if the guy threatened you definitely do not continue. But I had a friend that was like "he was really sweet and lived nearby, but his hair was browner than his photos and I just wanted blonde". Like what. That is not a good reason to bail.

No one's going to be perfect. People are going to be nervous on a first date. Give them a chance.

Conversely, sticking with a relationship too long. Contrary to the above, sometimes you really should call it. If the guy isn't treating you with respect, you don't have to keep going. If you realize you never look forward to seeing them, you should probably end it.
Chatting too long before meeting. You're not a real person to them when you're just over text. You're missing body language and tone. You want to meet in person quickly.

The general flow for me is like

Initial message. Hopefully ask something about their profile
if they respond well, maybe another couple follow up questions.
clear any deal breakers. Eg: if you have a kid, ask "hey I just wanted to check you saw on my profile I have a toddler. Are you okay with that?"
ask if they want to have a date in person to see if you get along
schedule the date
go on the date

If the online chat ends and you haven't scheduled a date, but you want to, that's bad. You don't want to be having a second "hey what's up?" tinder chat.

related to the above: dead ending the chat. Don't do that. Like, let's pretend your profile says you love dragon age. They message you with "I've been a dragon age fan since origins! Did you play Veilguard yet? I'm thinking of starting it this weekend". You respond with "I haven't played it yet ". What the fuck kind of garbage reply is that? What is the other person supposed to do with that? They essentially have to send you another first message. Good first messages are hard! Give them something to work with. "I haven't played it yet, but I loved origins! Always played mage. What was your favorite origin?" You almost always want to ask a question.

If this doesn't come naturally to you , that's fine. Just remember with your brain "always ask a question". You need to give them something to work with.

Don't non sequitur into sexual details. Sorry, but them's the norms. Like, a friend was chatting with a match about Star Trek and the guy out of the blue was like "so do you like anal?". Unmatched.

And a last thought that ended up stranded at the bottom of this post, and I'm writing on my phone so editing is hard:

"But what about people who want to take it slow?" Do you want to date someone who doesn't want to date? I don't.

edit: minor error from autocorrect

[–] Dashi@lemmy.world 4 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

I've thankfully been in a relationship for over a year. But when I was looking the dead ending the conversation was huge for me, I'd say a third of the matches did it. I used the 3 strikes rule, because sometimes people are busy and they just want to respond but don't have time to continue the flow of the conversation. Which is fine.

I once has a girl follow up 2 weeks later asking why we didn't go on a date? I told her that was the first question she asked me and I felt she wasn't into the conversation.

Don't be so desperate to get into a relationship that you try to carry the whole thing on your shoulders.

[–] jjjalljs@ttrpg.network 3 points 2 hours ago

I once has a girl follow up 2 weeks later asking why we didn’t go on a date? I told her that was the first question she asked me and I felt she wasn’t into the conversation.

I do wonder sometimes what they're thinking. Like, do they think the conversation is going well when I have to keep resuscitating it?

I'm told people have "different communication styles", which is fine, but "not asking questions and giving really short answers" doesn't seem like an effective style here. Like, if someone's chatting you up at the bar and you're not interested, then giving short answers can make a kind of sense. But in a dating app where you both showed interest? If you're no longer interested just unmatch.

[–] Fisch@discuss.tchncs.de 1 points 5 hours ago

the guy out of the blue was like “so do you like anal?”

What 😭
This one should be obvious