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Hey man, I don't know your situation and all the details, but it's not at all ridiculous to call it spousal abuse or gaslighting. That's fucking dark, and that your son is picking up on it is darker. Your other kid likely isn't blind to it either, especially since she's started receiving that sort of treatment and being treated as the scapegoat. That sort of situation leaves deep scars on both spouse (you) and children. You don't have to be in physical danger (though abuse often escalates) to be in danger. Damage from abuse lasts a lifetime.