this post was submitted on 15 Oct 2024
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not knowing someone's pronouns & assuming wrong =/= misgendering
knowing someone's pronouns and intentionally using the wrong ones = misgendering
Also, fighting years of muscle memory =/= misgendering.
I might have misgendered an old friend of mine shortly after they started transitioning, but they knew it was a mistake and didn't seem to care.
My mother uses that excuse though, same excuse she uses to call me my old name, and to say that I'm a man. Horrible old witch. I know it's an excuse because she doesn't bother correcting herself, she keeps going and is insistent that I'm actually a man and that it can't be changed.
I think once or twice in the first couple of months of transitioning that started about four years ago and we're still talking and helping each other indicates that there's no hard feelings. It's also not like I'm neutral on the subject otherwise. The people in this friend group know that I'm an ally on this subject. They also know I can even flub names when I get tired.
You know your mother doesn't respect you. My friends know I respect them.
That sounds extremely frustrating. I hope you have other people around to support you.
I'm very glad that being non binary didn't bring the pronoun changes to me (yet) otherwise it would be a nightmare getting my family to use them.
Yeah I don't talk to that old witch anymore. I have friends who are supportive. Sometimes a little too supportive though, like telling me my voice sounds fine or passes when it clearly doesn't pass. I'm glad they're nice but passing or not passing isn't about me feeling better about myself, it's about not being clocked by bigots who might be transphobic to me or hurt me.
There's clearly a different intent there.
Yeah absolutely this. I've seen too often in trans spaces when these sorts of accidents aren't given any leeway or grace. We're all human though, and it bothers me when folks are put down when there was zero malicious intent.
My mum deadnamed me more recently, despite me being out for almost eight years now. But she called me my older brother's name first, then deadname, then Norah. She was mortified, and apologised profusely. How could I hold any ill will against her for that?
Lmfao. I'd never thought of that as an extra issue for trans people. My mom can go through her siblings, then my sister and I before getting my brother's name right.
To be fair, my brother was at least present!
What is it with mothers accidentally using the wrong names? It's not like most mothers nowadays have 5 children who all look nearly the same.
It's probably best to mention it was an accident with people you're not as close with.