this post was submitted on 17 Jan 2024
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Flip it around. If you missed an appointment, would you want them pissed off you wasted their time? Would you want them to yell at you? Most likely you would have had a good reason and would want them to understand. It’s most likely the same for them.
Not only does this phenomenon have a name (Fundamental Attribution Error), OP's situation is the example case given on the wikipedia page:
Except the therapist works for the OP, not the other way around. If it were just OP’s friend who stood them up, then you’d have a point. But this is someone OP had an agreed-upon appointment with someone they are paying to treat them. And also keep in mind that many doctor’s offices will charge for a missed appointment if the patient didn’t show and made no attempt to communicate ahead of time.
Sure, there are probably understandable circumstances that have caused this, and the therapist will probably make it up to them. But that doesn’t invalidate OP’s feelings and expectations, especially in the moment.
I’d feel safer with a person who raised their voice at me for being late, than with a person who just let it go.
That's...a really weird way to feel. Essentially, you'd feel safer with someone that lacked empathy? This isn't your buddy, this is a professional. You'd prefer it if your therapist wasn't in control of their emotions, and would rather get angry at you than someone simply saying, "It's okay"?
There's something to be said about emotional honesty and transparancy, I suppose. Most of my family's pretty inscrutable, so I'm always much more wary around them than my more heart-on-the-sleeve friends.
For a professional relationship though, ehh yeah i dunno.
In a professional setting the real feeling is more likely "stop apologizing so we can get this over with and I can get back to doing the other stuff I have to do" than "I need to punish you for being late".
Someone who raises their voice isn’t a psychopath wtf?
It just means they have a healthy response to being disrespected.
Note I’m saying “raising the voice” here, not shouting. Someone who shouts when I’m late isn’t a safe person.
God why? I wouldn't want to be around someone so angry.
Raising one’s voice isn’t a loss of control. I don’t feel safe around people who let others abuse them, because I know their lack of a visible response doesn’t mean a total lack of response.
Someone who isn’t visibly addressing disrespect against them, is instead building up resentment.
People with boundaries that are too permissive are less safe, in my book, than people who address disrespect immediately and openly.
Do you mean "speaking up" when you say that? Because "raising one's voice" implies yelling to most people, I think. If yes, then I agree. Being comfortable addressing issues like this is very valuable. That said, I disagree that not addressing it means they're just "building up resentment". They could be, but it's not a certainty by any stretch.
Why is that? That opinion confuses me
Repressed rage tends to cause spectacular blowouts.
Emotionally mature adults shouldn't have to shout at anyone in daily life. It's not repressed rage if you have an even temperament.
I do know several volatile people who consider it normal to 'blow off steam' by having a raging argument every now and then. It may be helpful to them but it's childish and unfair to those around them.
I didn’t say “shout”. I said “raised their voice”.
Raising one’s voice means speaking with more force than casual.
You can split hairs, but I certainly don't 'feel safer' around people who raise their voice to me. It's intemperate, threatening and often bullying. But I can see we won't agree.
This is therapy. Ffs read the context.
Talk about being completely unaware...
The context of the comment I asked the question to was a situation flip where they stated they’d be more comfortable if the therapist raised their voice in response to them being late…
So, yes. I wouldn’t expect a therapist to have anger issues like that.
You dont yell at your therapist either. Anger management seems like a good first target if you cant stop yourself from yelling at people.
No therapist should put up with being yelled at.