Ask Lemmy

Talk less and listen more.

Realize that there is always someone that knows more than you do about any subject. Be humble knowing that you can always learn more.

i try to remember something Picard once said to Data about limiting one's answers to information that's pertinent and contextually-relevant to a situation. people don't want a lecture when a quick answer will do.

i have observed that, typically, when someone asks me a question, it's because they're trying to solve a problem, not to learn something new. The best course of action, then, is to help them solve their problem by giving them an expedient and relevant answer rather than to attempt to educate them on a new subject. they often have neither the interest nor the time.

I've gotten better at saying "I don't know", or "that rings a bell, but I'm not sure, can you remind me", or "what does that word mean?". Because I was The Smart Kid(TM) at school and I carried that on by heading to a prestigious university, I had a hell of a complex about looking stupid. Being smart was so tightly woven into my identity that I struggled to perceive myself outside of a framework of academic success or the nebulous idea of intelligence.

I got a hell of a lot smarter when I learned how to not know stuff though, because I got to learn unexpected things from unexpected sources. I worked on reframing my own intelligence/knowledge wrt my self view, and nowadays, I feel like the thing I'm most proud of is my curiosity, and my openness to learning new stuff.

I avoid correcting people over trivial things. If something would make me sound like a teacher or tour guide, I usually just don’t say it.

When I do decide to speak up (mispronunciations are a big thing for me), I either try to emphasize that I’m doing it out of concern (“I don’t want you to sound silly if you say it in front of others”, which is an honest concern) or I try to sound casual and not act like an absolute authority (“Really? I’ve always heard it pronounced like ______”) That last one has the added benefit of covering my butt if I’m wrong.

Empathy.

One of my pet peeves is when I ask a question of someone, and they reinterpret my question (without communicating that reinterpretation), then give me the answer to THEIR question.

I'll be the first to say that is possible for someone to form their question wrong, but I give them the benefit of the doubt and give them the answer to their question FIRST, and then restate the question I think they want for the answer I think they're looking for.

Their question: "What time does the plane take off for Chicago?"

My answer: "11AM, but think you're asking because you want to know when I'm leaving. I decided to drive instead of flying and will be leaving at 9AM."

I allow for the possibility that their question IS the right question and give them their answer immediately, even though all of the conversation context suggests they're not interested in the plane departure, but instead my travel plans. Doing this avoids so many annoying conversations of confusion and frustration on both people's parts.

When asked on an informational topic, I give the one or two sentence answer, then ask "Does that answer your question or would you like more detail?" Lots of times people want just a short answer, but a surprising amount they ask for more detail and I'm happy to give it. Consent is important.

Lastly, I assume I'm missing information and can learn from others. When someone says something that doesn't match my understanding, I ask them to explain it so I can learn. I'd rather have correct knowledge than be "right".

Always remembering that the depth and breadth of what I DON'T know is vastly deeper and wider than what I think I know.

Also, the fact that I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday. Pretty sure it was tuna salad, but it could have been an apple.

Ask yourself if this person WANTS to hear what they should have done.

Someone may be talking about how they were trying to do something for the first time and the challenges they faced, and when you butt in with "What you should have done is..." You think you're being helpful since this information will save them a lot of frustration next time, but wait until they are done explaining the situation. They may have already figured out what you were going to say, and don't need your info, or, maybe they are still stuck and could use that info, but wait for them to let you know if it's wanted or not.

Just admit when I don't know something. Awhile ago someone asked me why birds legs don't freeze when they're hopping around in the snow. I could've spouted some loose hypotheses, but instead I just acknowledged "I have no clue, would have to ask google."

With looser, more "the way things are" kinda life principles, it's helpful to remember that the world is a really big place, and how people act/what they value varies tremendously from place to place. So, "how people are" is actually usually just "how people I'm around are". This is why people are advised to be careful in choosing who they spend lots of time with.

I try to adhere to T.H.I.N.K

Is it True? is it Helpful? Is it Important? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?

Depending on the situation and the company, I try to check off all 5 and if it doesn't, I won't say it.

It's a good guiding standard that I don't always meet, unfortunately, but I'm only human. If I realise I've missed the K factor later I will apologise.

My friends know me well enough as a know it all, so they're comfortable with making fun of me when I get all unnecessarily gabby on a subject. I'm cool with it.

The single biggest thing for me is having a range of knowledgeable and intelligent friends and spending time with them. It very soon puts things in perspective.

Sometimes I remind myself silently "just listen"

I try to learn something new, but tangentially related. The beginners mindset helps my ego from getting big.

So, I'll take this from a slightly different angle than some of the other folks. Let's say that your conversation partner is verifiably wrong, and you know it. Before chiming in to correct them, ask yourself how much goodness you're bringing into the world by doing so, and who benefits from your efforts to educate.

If somebody is telling a teenager learning to drive that gas is on the left and brake on the right, they may actually hit something before they learn it. It's okay to correct that information.

If they just use "poor grammar," mislabel some technological item they are not attempting to use in a professional capacity, or they're off by an order of magnitude on some statistic they're using as trivia to bolster an otherwise reasonable claim, then correcting them doesn't advance the conversation or meaningfully facilitate communication. It's just making them look and feel stupid and small to your benefit. While your conscious impulse was probably not cruel, the whole activity is also tied up with ego and impulse control: we all want to look smart and scratch that psychological itch to share what we know. You won't always be able to resist or agree that something is trivial, but you have to put in the effort.

As a chronic know it all now raising another one, I try to ask myself, "if I weren't able to speak right now, would I still think it was important to catch up with this person later and educate them?" If the answer is "no," then there's no need to step in right then either. I will also say that if you've surrounded yourself with people who care about you, they're going to tolerate a certain amount of it as a harmless foible, and they probably will use you as a resource when they think it's appropriate. In a way that makes me all the more determined not to abuse the goodwill of my friends and loved ones by being an exhausting pedant.

...except for Anti-Stratfordians. They can fuck right off. I've picked that hill to die on and until I do I will leave the bloodied corpses of a million potential friendships in my wake. Fortunately it doesn't come up often. 🤣

Just learn everything so you really do know it all.

I'm fanatically polite so I am mindful of being humble in my interactions.

Regularly and intentionally spend time considering the opposite.

This helps you to check your paradigms.

It also helps if you search for content which contradict your current thinking rather than support it, just to get that perspective.

For example, if you're super organised, a book like A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits Of Disorder may help you to see things in a different light.

I have a pleasant chat with David Dunning and Justin Kruger

If you have the option to choose between phrasing something in the form of a statement and phrasing it in the form of a question, do the latter.

I fuck up.

Not to correct orther people if it's not absolutely necessary or being asked to.

ie, I would correct someone who said "drinking bleach can cure covid". But I wouldn't if they said "the earth is flat".

Decade ago, a friend of a friend was building a computer. I suggest they get a SSD for the OS. They said SSDs are a scam and don't have any advantages over HDDs, and the durability is worse. So I'm like "alright, it's your money" and stop involved with the matter.

Try to admit when I don't know much about a topic and learn as much as I can from other people about it without interrupting them.