this post was submitted on 28 Oct 2023

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154

How should I handle an ex friend who feels like he needs to bully me to raise his own self esteem? (We're adults) (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by tonystark29@lemmy.world to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

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I went to college with this guy 10 years ago and I considered him a friend up until this year. Something changed in him, and he constantly needs to put me down and I don't know how to handle it.

We're both 28, for reference.

Last year, he reported me to the college because I was doing students' homework for them for some extra cash. He said that what I was doing was depreciating his Diploma. I guess I get it, but what kind of friend would try to get me in trouble for something as harmless as doing people's homework? He didn't ask me to stop first or talk to me about it first, he just flat out reported me. Some friend.

Edit: I'm not saying what I did was not wrong. If he valued my friendship, he would have talked to me first. And I would have valued our friendship enough to stop.

I ended up dropping out of the program because of stress. He graduated this spring. I congratulated him and genuinely was happy for him. He then sends me this really childish text, bragging about how he graduated and I didn't. Here's a quote from part of the conversation. No joke, this is word for word:

"Hey [my name], just letting you know that I am an engineer now and you aren't. Also I just got hired at [his work] and am making $34 now just to start. There will be a party at [local bar] to celebrate my graduation. You should come. There will be resumes being taken, you should submit yours, because people like me always need assistants. Even though you are not an engineer by any means."

I thought, maybe he's being intentionally arrogant as a joke that I'm supposed to get. But that's not the case, this kind of talk continued for months. And he means it to be hurtful.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I blocked him on everything I could think of.

A little bit of background information, I recently started my own business making custom tools. This quote was a part of what he commented on my Instagram picture of one of my tools yesterday:

"You should stop posting these online, it's really embarrassing because your [tool name] is such a failure. I should redesign all of it for you because I'm actually an engineer at [company name] and have a lot more experience. I could actually do it right, unlike you. I just might help you if you ask me nicely."

Like, what the hell did I do to deserve that? I don't know why I let it even bother me because of how obviously immature he is being.

I didn't respond. I blocked him on Instagram too, but now he's trying to message me on LinkedIn. Blocked him there now too.

I'm still friends with his brother, so it's impossible for me to completely block him out from my life unfortunately.

I almost want to explain to him how narcissistic he is, and how his messages are an obvious cry of mental insecurity. I know that that would just be fueling the fire though, and would solve nothing.

He deserves to be put in his place. I don't know if that's possible though without me becoming just as petty as he is.

How should I handle this? He's bound to see me in the future, so there's no avoiding his bullshit.

Thanks

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[–] Zippy@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

This is a real bizarre thing for him to do. You are definately in his head. Congrats on that. Did you fuck his girlfriend... Wife... Dog? If not, you should.

[–] shogun5000@lemmy.basedcount.com 2 points 1 year ago

Nonviolence never solved anything

-Mr. Burns

[–] RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago (2 children)

You were commiting fraud. He did nothing wrong by reporting you. Don't want to get reported? Don't commit fraud.

He shouldn't be saying what you wrote. Nobody should be saying something with the intention of being hurtful.

Both of you are wrong. The only thing anyone here deserves is for both of you to stop and move on. Ignore the other person, eventually they'll get the idea.

[–] tonystark29@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (4 children)

Well, ok, but you'd think he'd at least talk to me first? If he genuinely had an issue with it, I would value our friendship enough to stop.

[–] RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world 7 points 1 year ago

Well we are only getting your side of the story, and it is not uncommon for people to omit facts about a situation that makes themselves look bad.

It would have been nice for him to talk to you about it first, but thats only a courtesy and not a requirement. Its possible that law or school regulations require reporting and do not allow for him to talk to you about it, as it may include him in the action. Its also possible that he felt slighted by something you did, even if you aren't aware of it.

Either way, what you were doing was wrong and his reporting you was not a wrong action. His way of treating you is a wrong action.

Both wrong, both should ignore each other and move on.

[–] its_prolly_fine@sh.itjust.works 7 points 1 year ago (4 children)

What you were doing was big enough to go straight to reporting. The way he saw you as a person probably changed. Its really not surprising he didn't talk to you first.

I mean if you were sharing homework answers or olds test, or even cheating on your own test that would be different. You were compltly doing others homework for money. You keep saying that they still did the tests. Well depending on the class, the homework is a big part of the grade. Not to mention all the added free time they get by not doing homework. Extra time to study, less stress, and a boost to their grade. Plus you were doing this for money, not to help a friend or so they would help you with yours. AND it was multiple people, many times throughout the class. On scale of severity, what you did isn't the absolute worst possible but it's getting close.

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[–] Alimentar@lemm.ee 3 points 1 year ago

The guy is massively toxic to you. Why do you want to keep that around? Just cut him out of your life. Someone like that isn't worth anyone's time or your second chances. It's like he genuinely wants to hurt you. Both by rubbing in the fact that he graduated and also destroying any of your chances at succeeding your business. Fuck him.

That is unless, you're not telling us the full story and you've done something to him. Then maybe you can understand why he's going out of his way to hurt you... Either way that friend isn't going to work.

[–] eskimofry@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

And you who is supposed to be innocent is saying "you could have at least tried to guilt me into stopping even though I knew what i was doing was fraud"

[–] blue_zephyr@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

You were commiting fraud. He did nothing wrong by reporting you. Don't want to get reported? Don't commit fraud.

I'd agree if they were colleagues/strangers. I would never report a friend for that. I'd voice my opinion at the most but reporting them is effectively nuking the friendship.

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