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should I apologize to this friendly manager I had an argument with? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 1 day ago by ricesoup@lemmy.ml to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

17 comments fedilink hide all child comments

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/36766269

I know lemmy is titled to the left, so most probable answer is going to be no, managers are our enemy, but hear me out.

I always thought like this: I'm there to work and earn money, not to make friends, not to fake a friendship with any manager. If they fire me, no manager is going to ask me how I'm holding up or what my plans for the future are. What may look like a friendship is all fake.

There is, however, a manager where I work at that everybody agrees she is friendly and goes the extra mile to help employees. When I say everybody I mean that literally, none of the coworkers I asked said anything remotely bad about this person. At my company there are other managers everybody agrees are narcissistic morons and everyone hates them.

I had an argument with this manager everyone likes and after thinking about it, it was mostly my fault we raised our voices. She raised her voice first but because I wasn't listening to her because she triggered me.

I feel bad about it and I can't believe I'm writing this, but I'd like to have a private conversation with her to apologize and explain why she triggered me. She also does typical things any manager does that I find very unfair that I want to explain so she maybe stops it.

Is being honest and having such a conversation a stupid idea?

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[–] cdzero@lemmy.ml 16 points 1 day ago (2 children)

A lot of people need to be right all the time, even if it is to their own detriment. Therefore they would see apologising as losing.

Social cohesion is quite important and I believe something that is becoming a little undervalued. Especially in a workplace. While of course if is important to stick to your principles, it's not that important to be right in a lot of social situations.

Relationships aren't linear progression. Sometimes you move forward, sometimes you move backwards. Sometimes you can move forward by moving backwards. An apology rarely hurts in the grand scheme of things.

However I would think about what you're saying. And what I'm about to say carries the lack of context from not knowing any more than what you posted.

You weren't listening and it was mostly your fault (your words). She didn't trigger you. And telling her she triggered you will probably not go well. You reacted to her in a way you are now regretting. You need to take responsibility for that and that is likely what you are apologising for.

The conversation about things being fair, save it for later. Put a lot more thought into it.

[–] ricesoup@lemmy.ml 0 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

The conversation about things being fair, save it for later. Put a lot more thought into it.

I don't agree: this conversation would be the perfect opportunity to reset our relationship, to establish new foundations to have a friendly relationship with no lingering bad feelings on either side. And that means talking about the things she does as a manager I find unfair.

It's not really dramatic stuff, just regular things managers everywhere do because they're used to or have been conditioned to do or because they don't have time.

Would you explain why your approach is better than mine?

[–] cdzero@lemmy.ml 1 points 7 hours ago

It's not about being better. It's different.

You've come here asking for advice. Myself and others have given you some. It's up to you to take what you find useful and disregard what you don't. None of us know the full situation.

Let us know what you end up doing and how it goes though, I'm interested and I'm sure at least a few others would be as well.